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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Ending Friends with Benefits

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Author Topic: Ending Friends with Benefits
BustaEve
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Member # 50827

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Hi,

Just wanted some advice on a matter.

So, I have a friend with benefit who is amazingly hot. He's the hottest guy I've ever been with and no doubt ever will be, he's way out of me league.

I haven't seen him in over a month as I've been very unwell with a virus. During this period I had lots of time to think, and while I've known this for a while, I've only just really admitted to myself that I don't really want to be in a friends with benefits situation, I'd rather be intimate with someone who I am in a relationship with.

So, although this friend with benefit is extremely attractive, I think it's time I end the association, although I'm slightly concerned that if I do I may regret it later.

My main question is what should I say to him? He texted me today, asking how I was feeling, I said better but not 100% (which is true), but I feel like I should tell him I won't be seeing him again. But I don't know what to say. Clearly it's not him, it's me.

Any advice on what to say?

Thanks in advance.

Posts: 77 | From: Australia | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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HI BustaEve,

To clarify, it sounds like you only see this guy for sexual time? Are you friends outside of the sexual relationship?

Have you and he discussed the nature of your sexual relationship before?

You really can just tell him that you've been thinking about things, and you'd like to stop the sexual relationship for now. You can share with him that you're in an emotional place where you really want your sexual relationship with another person to be part of a romantic relationship.

Just curious, is this someone you would consider having a relationship with?

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Robin

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BustaEve
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Hi Robin (and congrats on being elevated to Volunteer Assistant Director [Smile]

Yes, at this point we only see each other for sex.

On paper this guy ticks a lot of boxes for me, but I don't think we'd ever be in a proper relationship. Moreover, he's expressed on a couple of occasions that he's happy being single and that he was hurt by his ex so he's not looking for a relationship.

And no, we've never had a proper discussion about our relationship before.

I guess part of me doesn't want to come across as the stereotypical (as imposed by the patriarchal system) female who's emotional etc.

But I guess I'll have to say something to that effect.

Thank-you for your response.

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heero222
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quote:
Originally posted by BustaEve:
I think it's time I end the association, although I'm slightly concerned that if I do I may regret it later

quote:
Originally posted by BustaEve:
I guess part of me doesn't want to come across as the stereotypical (as imposed by the patriarchal system) female who's emotional etc.

But I guess I'll have to say something to that effect.

You really don't have to come across as the stereotypical "emotional female" nor does it have to be something you'll regret later. Wanting a serious relationship doesn't make you an "emotional female". If you don't want to come across as an emotional female then instead of saying "Hey [name], I'm in a really emotional place right now and want a romantic relationship so I'm going to have to end our arrangement" say something like this instead "Hey [name], I've had a lot of fun with you but after giving it a great deal of thought I've decided that it is time to look for something serious. Thanks for the good times. If I later decide I want a casual arrangement again you'll be the first I ask."
Basically, focus on describing what you've been thinking and not what you've been feeling if you don't want to sound like an "emotional female". By telling him he'll be the first you ask if you want something casual again you leave yourself the opportunity to start up the arrangement again if you later start to regret ending things. If you do change your mind later he probably would only refuse if he was no longer single.

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Robin Lee
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Member # 90293

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Just to note, even if you wer to share with him how you're feeling as well as what you're thinking, it wouldn't make you a stereotypical "emotional female", it would make you a person with feelings, that's all. This is particularly true since you're not contemplating asking him to change his preferences about relationships (though I do think it wouldn't be inappropriate for you to ask him if his stance on serious relationships has changed if you were considering that you'd like to have a relationship with him.)

It sounds, though, like that's not something you're overly interested.

Whether you choose to share your feelings with him is up to you, and it certainly may be less emotionally messy for you personally if you decide just to share the facts in a nice way, but know that if you were to share your feelings that doesn't say anything (good or bad) about you.

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Robin

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BustaEve
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Thanks both for your replies.

Nighteyesv: I liked your second suggestion about how to phrase what I want to say, so thank-you [Smile]

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heero222
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quote:
Originally posted by BustaEve:
Thanks both for your replies.

Nighteyesv: I liked your second suggestion about how to phrase what I want to say, so thank-you [Smile]

Your welcome, hope things work out for you.
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