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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » being honest about your past sex history.

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Author Topic: being honest about your past sex history.
superstars
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Being open about your past sex history. Hi im scared that when I meet a woman she will reject me because of my past history and I was wondering what I should tell them regarding my past. Some people might say don’t say any thing the past is the past and what you have done know one needs to know but I don’t feel that’s the best way to go about things some times honesty could be the best way but im afraid that if im honest I would lose my relationship and she would leave. What my history is was basically I was into porn for a while kind of like addicted but now I have cut that out of my life and I don’t really want any thing to do with porn any more, but also I went to strip clubs and slept with escorts! So my question is should I tell my partner that I had sex with escorts? And do you think it would damage my reputation? Or do you think I should just play it safe and not mention them things? And if you think I should mention that stuff then how far into the relationship is best to talk about them things? Cos I don’t want to do it too early scare them off and I wouldn’t want to leave it too late??
Any advice would be nice.

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Robin Lee
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HI Superstars,

Just checking because I'm not clear on something: are you in a relationship now, or wondering what you should do in future?

Is it important to you to be able to share all aspects of your past, or are you wondering whether it's something that is required for the relationship to be whole and healthy?

There are a couple of different aspects to this. There's being honest for being honest, and there's also sharing your sexual history so you and your partner could make the best sexual health choices for your relationship.

So, it's pretty important to share with a partner that you've had previous sexual partners. Whether or not you share that these partners were escorts is really up to you.

When we get into a relationship in which deep feelings are involved, we often tend to share things with our partners. This type of sharing, for many people, builds intimacy. A bad reaction from a partner about anything we share can sometimes tell us how accepting our partner is of us. IN other words, if a partner gets mad about something that was in the past it doesn't mean there's something wrong with us, but that there's potentially a lack of acceptance.

So, do you need to share on a first date that you used to watch porn? No, not unless it's something you want to share. It is important to share past sexual history of a physical nature if you're going to engage sexually with someone (so again, you don't have to share that until you think the relationship could become sexual), and while it's important to be honest about it, you can choose to share that in a way that works for you.

When you ask about the way it would affect your reputation, I'm not quite sure what you're asking. Certainly if you shared something with someone and they didn't like it, and they decided to tell other people you know, there would be more people who know about it. What they think, though, will likely vary from person to person.

These are just some thoughts to get started; what do you think of all this?

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Robin

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WesLuck
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Also, STI testing is important. If you and your partner get tested and you are both clear or negative, it's up to you whether you feel it is the right thing to tell of your past sexual history. Apart from the one STI that can't be detected in males (but it can in females), if you both get a clear result from a full STI screen of testing, that means you are definitely clear and negative of STIs.

I think it is more important to share that you have had sex in the past and that you want both of you to get tested regularly for STIs. Actual facts and figures APART FROM whether you have STIs or not is not relevant, as has been discussed on another thread on Scarleteen recently. [Smile] If you don't have STIs it makes no health difference how many partners or who those partners were, and partners you've had can often result in shaming, or bandying around of words like "promiscuous" which are extremely emotionally loaded. And if someone wants to judge which sexual experiences are wrong or right, just how is that done mostly objectively? It is impossible to be objective when judging a sexual history as "wrong" or "right" - that is totally based on personal values or negative beliefs when it comes to sex.

So, regular and full STI screening for everyone involved in a relationship is important, but only tell people of specific aspects of your past sexual history if you feel comfortable doing so.

[ 08-05-2012, 09:48 AM: Message edited by: WesLuck ]

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superstars
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Hi guys thanks for you answers. Im not in a relationship now but was wondering about when I get into one in the future and I was wondering if telling about your past is something that is required to make the relationship healthy and if ifs fair on the woman or unfair on the woman if I do or don’t tell her certain parts of my past sex history. When I mentioned about ruining my reputation I meant that people could get the wrong idea and think, im a sex addict monster and I wouldn’t want to get the wrong sort of reputation.
And I agree that you should tell people your sexual history as in the fact that I slept around and I agree about getting STI checked as well. But just like the escort part I was more concerned about as most people in society and most woman in general would not understand or look down on that sort of thing and it could be a relationship killer. But at the same time I think honesty is best when I find the right woman who I want to be with. I’m not a monster for having a past but just some people may judge me for certain aspect of my past. I hope that makes sense.

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WesLuck
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If you don't have any STIs, then the sex partners you have had in the past is irrelevant. And if you attain a positive connection with a woman, and you are kind, considerate and look after them, they wouldn't be very fair if they judged you on your past. But the right woman would be able to look past that and see the real you. I wish you all the best in finding her - good luck! [Smile]
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Saffron Raymie
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I think it's important to remember that all women are different; every single one. Most of us here have friends that have visited sex workers or have friends who are sex workers. Many people have different ideas about sex work - whatever their gender. It tends to vary very widely for all people.

"Sex addiction" isn't a real thing - as you probably already know. Some people can be sexually compulsive - but that really isn't about how many partners they've had or if they visited sex workers or both; it's about that person engaging in sex when they don't really want to, even if we're just talking about solo sex (masturbation). So, if someone is impling that you are a 'sex addict', talking through that with them may be an option, explaining it to them - or you may just want to move on from them to one of the many women who do understand that it's okay to choose to have many partners or visit sex workers, and that it's not about sexual compulsivity.

However, some people you'd like to date might have things they'd prefer, like perhaps they don't want a partner who's had very few other partners - sex workers or otherwise - or very many. Some won't give a hoot about any of those things. So, as everyone ion the world is so different, it's always best to talk these things through if and when you feel 100% comfortable to. Obviously, if you don't feel comfortable discussion your personal past with a new person, even after you get to know them well - that may be an indication that this person isn't a good fit for you.

As for STIs, we have an article on how to be safe with new people until you can be sure you're both in the clear here: Safe, Sound & Sexy: A Safer Sex How-To [Smile]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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superstars
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thanks guys for your comments
Posts: 12 | From: UK | Registered: Aug 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
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You're welcome! [Smile]

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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