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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Back with ex- but what about the sex?

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Author Topic: Back with ex- but what about the sex?
Member # 96357

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Recently, I got back together with my ex. The first go 'round of dating lasted 10 months, then we decided to take a 5 month break. (Just a little background info.) During the first 10 months towards the end, we became more intimate. We never got to actually having sex, but there were times that it came pretty close.

Being with him now, it's a bit different. He's 17 and I'm 16; he has a car now and usually comes to pick me up to take me back to his moms house when she's at work. Sometimes we just chat, hang out, have fun together. But sometimes we get a but more intimate.

Generally it's making out for an extended period of time, slowly taking off articles of clothing, exploring each others bodies. But the last time, we actually got fully naked with each other- which hasn't happened before. (Again, no sex.) he says he's that comfortable with me, and I with him, not just on a sexual/physical level, but on an emotional level as well. And I'll be honest, for either of us to even be seen in underwear by friends or family is embarrassing and/or unbearable.

The last time I was with him, I wanted to have sex with him and he had the same thought. I'm on the pill, so naturally one would think why not. Sometimes I forget to take a pill- maybe once or twice a month- and I know that messes with the effectiveness. He doesn't want to use condoms, but I'm uncomfortable with the idea of what would be the outcome if he didn't. More or less of a " better to be safe than sorry" type deal.

So I guess my question is : how should I approach him about this? Is it wrong to feel this way? Lastly, should I try to convince him to use them, or should i just forget about it and do it without? ( im new, so maybe this isnt under the right section, but I put this under relationships, because I don't know if discussing something like this will effect our relationship or not.)

[ 07-26-2012, 08:59 AM: Message edited by: LookingForHerPeterPan ]

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 41699

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Hi LookingForHerPeterPan, welcome to scarleteen! It's definitely not wrong of you to feel that you want a back up method of contraception. I'd say that's a very GOOD feeling to be having [Smile] It means that you are considering risks and consequences and want to protect yourself against any negative outcomes as best as you can -- that's a very responsible and smart thing to do, so good on you [Big Grin]

I think you're right that backing up your pill with condoms is a good idea, especially if you forget to take your pill sometimes -- if you take 2 or 3 pills late in a cycle, it is strongly suggested that you use a back up method because the pill's effectiveness is severely compromised. And even when you take your pill perfectly, adding condoms into the mix ups your protection even more [Smile]

Condoms are also especially good to use paired with the pill because they protect against STIs while the pill doesn't. Even if you feel like you don't have a risk of STIs, it's always important to be protected against them, and you can't know for sure that someone doesn't have an STI until you both get tested.

Is your boyfriend aware of all of this? If he isn't, it's important that he educate himself on the benefits of condoms. Here are a couple of articles from our main site that have lots of information on the importance of condoms as well as the proper use (even if you guys think you know how to use them properly, you might be surprised! A lot of people actually don't!)
Love the Glove
Condom Basics: A User's Manual

If, after he has all the info he needs on condoms, you guys talk about using condoms again and he still refuses to use them, then comes the hard part. You have to decide for yourself whether protecting your sexual health is a dealbreaker for you. Do you feel that you would feel comfortable with sex (emotionally/mentally, in regards to risks of pregnancy and STIs) without using condoms? Or do you think that participating in sex without condoms would make you worried and open you up to risks to your health that you are not willing to take?

If it is a serious concern for you, I would definitely not suggest just "forgetting about it" and going without condoms. It is absolutely fine, and in fact GOOD, to have dealbreakers, especially around what you are willing to risk in terms of your health. So if you feel that you are not willing to risk your sexual health to have sex with your boyfriend, that is a decision you are allowed to make. You do not have to have sex with him. I know that that is a hard thing to think about, but an important part of one's sexual life is the ability to make decisions about with whom we participate in sexual activities.

Feel free to come back after your conversation with your boyfriend for any more advice or information, or if anything I have said doesn't make sense or is confusing for you, definitely feel free to ask for clarification [Smile]

[ 07-26-2012, 09:25 AM: Message edited by: Onionpie ]

Posts: 1311 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 96357

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It's been a couple weeks since I posted this, but we talked about it, and he decided that after I told him basically my "fears" if you will, it was a good idea. Which was a relief, because I was getting A bit anxious about the thought.

The only thing that kinda slightly bothered me, is that I was the one to make the purchase. I mean, honestly it's not a big deal. It's only awkward if you make it awkward, right? But the woman behind the counter gave me a puzzled look at first, followed by a mix of disgust and disbelief that a 16 year old girl would go out and buy condoms. It's like this: on one hand I could be like some girls out there having babies, or on the other I could awkwardly buy condoms and be safe about it. I know that it isn't necessarily Ethical, but in today's society things are completely different than our parents generation and before. Why aren't teenage guys looked down upon when they go out to get them? It just doesn't seem fair to me.

Anyway ( sorry about the little rant ) thank you for your advice. It helped a lot, and I feel better about the whole situation. I think just that discussion among others that we've had, made us that much closer. Thanks again(:

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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