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Author Topic: The Ex-Boyfriend Blues
thecrazycatlady
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So 3/4 months ago I broke up with my boyfriend of almost two years. He had confessed that he didn't love me - and also added that he wasn't sure if he ever did. Even though he wanted to continue the relationship (that still makes no sense to me) I couldn't do that, as far as I was concerned it had to end.
Anyway, a couple of months passed, I got better and even started dating again. Things were looking up until I saw on Facebook that he's now in a new relationship. With a girl who's just turned 17 and is best friends with his younger brother. He's 20.
Aside from being kind of weirded out, I'm very confused. I feel anger towards him, the girl, and possibly towards myself for feeling angry in the firstplace. How can he tell me that he never loved me, that he's just not a "relationship kind of guy" and then get with her? And why should I even care? It's not my place to dictate who he does or doesn't go out with. And this I know for sure - he may have been my first serious relationship, so perhaps a part of me will always be fond of him and our time together, but there is no part of me that wants to get back with him.
So why do I feel so crappy, and what can I do to get over it?

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The trick, William Potter, is not minding that it hurts.

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Roxie102
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Really, even 3 months after a breakup even if you're feeling better and dating other people, I'd not expect anyone to be fully over a 2 year relationship. You feel anger toward him for as it seems, lying to you and maybe even jealous that he's dating someone else. That's totally normal. 3 to 4 months isn't a long time, even if you were the one doing the breaking up. Everyone moves at their own pace as far as loss of a relationship goes, and you will go through a huge range of emotions in the process. My boyfriend of 18 months broke up with me a month ago, and my emotions have been crazy. I've felt horrible anger towards him even though he didn't do anything to hurt me. I felt mad because he ended our relationship even if it was for a good reason, and then I felt mad at myself for being mad at him, as you said you have felt.

Too, you never know why he's dating this other girl. Maybe he's just lonely and craving some attention. Maybe he really did lie about his feelings. You can't know unless you ask him.

So feel whatever you feel, and don't feel guilty for having those feelings. It's all normal, and it WILL get better in time. As far as feeling better, I think you're doing a pretty good job of it already, but if seeing him on Facebook made you feel this way, maybe delete him or just stop visiting his page. If you two are still in contact, maybe tell him how you feel. If not, maybe write your feelings down. Hope this helps, and I hope you're feeling better.

[ 07-22-2012, 05:24 PM: Message edited by: Roxie102 ]

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thecrazycatlady
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Thanks so much for this reply - it's nice to be told it's okay to feel like this! I already approached my mother, then my friend about it, only to be told that I should't be feeling anything, and that I should forget all about it!
Is it normal to have, or at least think you still have, some teeny tiny feelings towards an ex? After the anger came grief, and now I miss him! Like I said, I'd never enter a relationship with him again. Nor would I deliberately try and sabotage his new one, or try and make him have feelings for me. I just find myself reminiscing about the good times, and part of me wants to experience that again. I don't want to get hung up on him though. Am I stepping into dangerous territory or is it just another stage of grief?

To complicate things further, we're still good friends. We've met up a few times after the break-up, just for coffee and a chat, it's nice to talk to him. I'm wondering whether I should just not see him for a bit, until I'm over him...but I think telling him how I feel would give me some closure. I just don't want to wreck the friendship we've developed.

Oh, and sorry to hear about your break-up. Hope you feel better, too (:

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The trick, William Potter, is not minding that it hurts.

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Roxie102
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Yeah, sometimes people just say things like that because I don't know, they think it helps...and it doesn't.

But your breakup sounds almost exactly like mine! I'd say since you're not wanting a relationship with him and still enjoy his talks, you find yourself missing the relationship that you had more so than your ex himself. I find myself doing this because I know that even if we end up back together again, things can never be like they were. Right now, I don't think any of your feelings are getting "dangerous", so I think you're good. As I said before, a few months really isn't that long, and your feelings will go away in time.

As for the friend thing, I totally understand where you're coming from. Sometimes I feel like I'd do so much better if my ex was totally out of my life, but I value his friendship so much! Also, I'm afraid if I tell him to stop talking to me, I'll regret it later. It is hard, and honestly, I can't tell you the best thing to do. How often are you two talking? You could, I guess, see each other less than now and that might help. Telling him how you feel might help too, but if he's not open to talking about feelings, it can backfire (happened to me. :/

Hope this helped, and thanks, I'm feeling a good bit better. [Smile]

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Atonement
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I just wanted to let you know, I two year relationship that ended in early 2010.

Even though both of us wanted to break up, i remember feeling jealous every time I say him with a girl.

That didn't really go away until I stopped seeing him regularly. (We worked for the same company and saw each other in passing regularly, but he left for school a few months post breakup)

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thecrazycatlady
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quote:
I'd say since you're not wanting a relationship with him and still enjoy his talks, you find yourself missing the relationship that you had more so than your ex himself.
I would just like to thank you for saying that Roxie, it's clarified a lot. We've met up maybe 4-5 times since the breakup, just to catch up really. But as for having deep and meaningful conversations, we generally skirt around the issue. There was one time as he was dropping me home where he apologised for the way he treated me towards the end of our relationship, it sounded sincere and I appreciated it. I guess I feel like there's still some baggage to sort out, and him being with another girl has made it more apparent.
I value his friendship a lot, and I want him to be happy, I just didn't think it would hurt so much to see him sharing the same experiences we did with someone else! Talking on here has definately made a difference, though. I'm off to college in september, so I know it WILL get better. But when you don't have much to do over the summer you have too much time to think about these kind of things and it gets to you...

Hopefully I'm seeing him on sunday. I'm planning to just lay all my cards on the table, while making it clear that I'm not about to turn into some evil psycho ex intent on getting him back. Honestly, I just want some proper closure.

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The trick, William Potter, is not minding that it hurts.

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Roxie102
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So glad that helped!

I'm holding out for college too to make things better. I start in August. I really hope it helps both of us! I think being away from him and having lots of things to distract will help you move on.

I think asking for some closure will be a great move. I know it'll be hard to ask him, but I know it'll give you the answers you need. I've been waiting for my ex to volunteer his feelings, and that helps some, but I know asking for the whole story would too help me more. I hope one day I can be brave enough like you to have another serious talk. Good luck to you with this!

[ 07-24-2012, 03:13 PM: Message edited by: Roxie102 ]

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thecrazycatlady
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Just saw a photo of them together on facebook, I think my heart just sank into my stomach...damn it.

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The trick, William Potter, is not minding that it hurts.

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thecrazycatlady
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I unfriended him. I'm still seeing him tomorrow, and hope to keep seeing him, but I can't face the photos and status updates of them together.
Just when I thought I was feeling better, I'm back to square one...

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The trick, William Potter, is not minding that it hurts.

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Sans
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Hey, thecrazycatlady. Hope it all goes well tomorrow and that you get the closure you need!

It's alright to feel hurt and sad right now. You might find it suitable to do something that helps you feel better, like reading a book, listening to sad music, or writing in a journal.

It will get better with time. Don't give up on yourself.

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

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Onionpie
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Hi thecrazycatlady. I understand what you're going through, as do a lot of us here. You're not alone [Smile] I totally get how awful it feels seeing the photos on facebook. And I really understand how awful it is to feel like you're doing better and then suddenly feel like you're back right where you were at the beginning.

It's totally normal to have some good days where you feel like you're much closer to getting over it, and then suddenly have a bad day where you feel awful and like it only happened yesterday. The process of healing from anything, including a breakup, is not a straight line and there are often times when we take a step back and that's fine. In the end we find our way to the other side [Smile] Just give yourself time and treat yourself with understanding, don't get too frustrated with yourself if you have a bad day; and eventually there will be more good days than bad, a LOT more good days than bad, and then after a while there are very few bad days at all.

I'd also say that although I understand you want to remain friends with him and keep seeing him, it might be a good idea to at least cut contact a bit. It makes it extremely hard to get over someone when you're still in quite regular contact with them. You need to have space to reclaim your direction/identity/etc and to focus on self-care and healing.

I know it probably seems like it'd be so painful to cut contact with him since he's an important friend to you, but remember that it isn't permanent, and strong friendships last through times when you don't see each other as often. So when you come out the other end you will still be friends, and it might be better for you in the long run because seeing him regularly might be prolonging the hurt of the breakup. Do you think that might be happening here? Do you think seeing him less might help, and do you think that's something you're willing to do?

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thecrazycatlady
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Thank you Sans and Onionpie, but I'm afraid to say things got more complicated today.
We met up for coffee, I was quite nervous beforehand. I didn't really know what to expect, but I certainly didn't expect what happened. To cut a long story short, he isn't over me either, I think he got with this girl in an attempt to help him get over me (so kind of a rebound, I guess?) and, to really drive it home, told me he'd realised he'd loved me all along, AFTER we broke up. Part of me was mad, another part of me (and I hate to say this) almost regretted breaking up with him in the firstplace. Or at least wondered what could have been if I hadn't.
As usual, we tried to skirt around the issue, but ended up at my house, and even though nothing happened, we hugged goodbye a little bit *too* long and kissed. No tongues. Just a peck. But a kiss nonetheless.
Now, I don't know what to do. Above all else I feel guilty - I promised myself I'd never become the "other woman". I can't believe I didn't stop myself.
To add insult to injury, recently another guy has appeared on my radar, and even though it's just a casual summer fling, I can't help but feel I've betrayed him and screwed everything up.
Where do we go from here? I still don't want a relationship. It wouldn't be fair, on anyone, and I want to be single for college - breaking up all over again would be inevitable. I also know that if he evidently has the capacity to cheat on his girlfriend, I shouldn't go there. But I can't just forget this ever happened...

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The trick, William Potter, is not minding that it hurts.

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Roxie102
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Whew, I'm really sorry. This sounds like a toughy. I know you regret breaking up, and honestly, I would too if I were in this position, but really, sometimes people can't realize the depth of their feelings until it's gone. Sometimes you have to date other people even to see that an ex really was so much better. I agree though that this girl he's with now is likely a rebound. It's up to him to decide what to do though now that he's told you he still has feelings for you. I think that as you said, it'd be wise to not get between them and have him cheat on her especially with you going to college soon.

I'm echoing Onionpie here, and I know you probably don't want to hear this, but I really think cutting contact for a while would help both of you. It is scary, but your friendship won't go down the drain if you don't talk for a few weeks or months. He still has feelings for you, and you obviously meant a lot to him, so he won't forget about you. I say go to college, date other people, let him date other people, and see where you guys are in a few months, maybe say, at the end of the semester. Maybe there can be a relationship again later, but it's clear that right now, it's not in the best interests for either of you to date each other again. It'll hurt, I know, but having him rip open your wounds again everytime you talk won't help anything. And remember, you're going to college - breaking up would've happened sooner or later no matter what. It's better that you have all this time to heal than to break up say, the night before you leave for college. That would hurt lots more.

Once again, I'm sorry this happened and I hope you feel lots better soon.

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WesLuck
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-hugs for thecrazycatlady- [Smile]
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