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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Is it wrong to be FWB?

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Author Topic: Is it wrong to be FWB?
chrisS94
Neophyte
Member # 96215

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one of my close guy friends and i came to a decision that we should become friends with benefits.neither one of us want to commit to an relationship and to complicate things he also happens to be one my ex's best friends so being FWB works for both of us.
but one of my friends found out and she was very angry she said that i was just wasting my self because i don't want to wait.i know she was just looking out for me..but now i'm so confused.i was sure of what i wanted before but now i feel dirty and guilty..was i wrong?

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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HI chrisS94,

The quesiton of what is wrong and what is right is so very individual, based on our backgrounds, what we've believed in the past, what we believe now, etc, etc.

I'm not really sure what your friend means by you wasting yourself because you don't want to wait. Can you tell me what you think she meant by that, and whether that is something that you believe yourself?

Have you ever been in a sexual relationship before?

Taking the question of whether this is wrong or right out of the picture for a moment, I think you might find this tool helpful for figuring out whether you want to and are ready for a sexual relationship with your guy friend.

Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist

So, is it wrong? Only you know whether it's wrong for you and we can talk more about this to help you figure that out.

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Robin

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treetops
Activist
Member # 44381

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Hi,

I don't think there's anything morally wrong about being FWB. It's a decision for you and the guy, and if it's right for both of you, then I'd say it's fine. I'd also say that it's not very cool of your friend to be angry about it; you're not hurting anyone and it's your life and your sexuality, not hers. Sounds like she might be projecting her own personal feelings about sexuality onto your life.

I'd say in terms of the FWB thing, do what feels right for you. If you're feeling unsure, maybe take a bit of time away from it to think about it.

And maybe talk with your friend if you're not comfy with how she's reacted?

Good luck!

[ 07-31-2012, 09:43 AM: Message edited by: treetops ]

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chrisS94
Neophyte
Member # 96215

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no i haven't been with anyone else before.. according to her i should wait till someone i can commit to comes along, and not hookup with just anybody. i guess what she meant was i should save my self for someone special..
but this guy makes me happy.his fun to be around.and right now that's what i want. but even he feels uncomfortable because of all of this.
i guess the best thing would be for me to talk to my friend and try to understand why she's been like this.

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kristink8
Neophyte
Member # 96466

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I felt this way around my first year of college. New school meant new meat(boys) to me and I wanted to browse... A LOT. I was still feeling conflicted about the whole virginity thing. I wanted to be like my best friend who didn't really care about who she gave hers to. But I couldn't totally shake it off. I'm not really great at talking to guys and have trouble starting up conversations. So my first year of college was a bust as far as flirting went. I'm rather introvert, but I met someone through a friend of a friend during the summer. We spent about a month messing around, but never had sex. By this point he started liking me more even though I had clarified that I wanted to keep things as "just friends." Well that went out the window pretty quick once we finally did have sex. It got me thinking a lot about our relationship and I gave in and made things official. We're dating now.

Anyways, the point I'm getting to is that I suggest taking your time. Think things through because there's no hurry. I waited until I was 19 and feel very satisfied at the fact. No regrets here because I know he cares for me just as much as I care for him and he doesn't treat me like I'm a toy to play with. On the other hand there's nothing wrong with just getting it over with because you're sick of the virgin thing. That's how I felt. I'm not sure how I would have felt afterwards if I just met someone in class and went back to his place. I do know that taking the time to get to know someone not just because you want to make sure he's that "special someone", but so you know he will treat you kindly almost always guarantees that you'll feel no regrets afterwards. That's just from my standpoint of course.

That story was probably not too much help to you, but I just thought I'd share.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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chrisS: do YOU feel like this guy is "just anybody?"

I ask, because it doesn't sound like you do. It sounds like your friend does, or maybe thinks that if a person has sex with someone outside a certain kind of relationship, they're "just anybody," but what your friend thinks may not be what you do.

And since these are choices about you, it's what you think that's going to matter most here.

For sure, I think that most of the time, most people will want to limit very intimate experiences to people they value and who value them: who they do think are special, and vice-versa. But no relationship model rules that out, just like no relationship model guarantees that. Some people in FWBs DO think they're both special, some people in committed romantic relationships don't, and the other way round for both, too.

It sounds to me like in making this choice, what you want for yourself, what this other person does, if an FWB in general is something you feel good about and maybe also how both of you think this might be an issue with your ex (no matter what kind of relationship you have together) -- because the ex finding out in time seems a given -- are the big things to consider.

I saw Robin already gave you one link, but we've also another piece expressly about different relationship models and sorting out what people want for themselves. It's here if you'd like to take a look: Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models.

[ 08-08-2012, 05:23 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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