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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » First Breakup

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Author Topic: First Breakup
Roxie102
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I'm dealing with my first ever breakup. [Frown] It pretty much came out of no where, but I knew in the back of my mind it was coming. I'm going to college in a couple months and he says he thinks we should each just move on with our lives. He wants to just be single for a while. What's confusing is that he says he still loves me and that I'm his best friend, but he thinks we shouldn't be together. And he said I could contact him "whenever I wanted to". He said he wouldn't get rid of the stuff I gave him, and he told me I could keep all the stuff he's given me. He said I could date other people if I wanted, but that he wouldn't. He was very open to the idea of us later getting back together - he mentioned in a few months or after the end of the semester. He says he doesn't want to be tied down, and I really don't know how to handle this. I'm going to try not to contact him for a while, but I know it'll be hard. Is it unrealistic to hold on to the hope that we'll get back together even though he seemed so open to it? I don't know what to do to feel better. I don't want to get rid of anything of his or put away the pictures of us. I also don't know when it's okay to talk to him again since he told me I could call him whenever... He was my first everything - first boyfriend, first kiss, first sexual partner. We dated for 18 months.

[ 06-24-2012, 02:22 AM: Message edited by: Roxie102 ]

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Macattack
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In my opinion I feel that he just wants to be single for college because he doesn't know what to expect. If he finds another girl he likes he might not come back to you. But if he finds that you are the one he wants to be with then he will most likely try to start something again.

The best thing you can do is try to befriends with him so you don't lose contact with him but don't suffocate him or flirt with him unless he does so first.

Hope I helped!

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Roxie102
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He's actually still got one year of high school, but I see what you're saying.
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Jacob at Scarleteen
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Some pretty direct advice there mac!

Roxie, I'm sad to hear about your having to deal with your first break up.

You actually sound really measured about it, even if a bit confused.

In breakups, changing decor i.e. putting photos away is a pretty tough thing, but there's no right time to do that stuff... but your headspace is going to change over time anyway, and thereore so are your actual surroundings. You can just go with the flow of what feels right to you on that front.

It sounds like he really does care for you and he sounds quite honest about everything he's said to you... but it sounds like it's a relationship in general he doesn't want at the moment. For me relationships aren't just about how much we like somebody and I'd say in your case it's other things, and needing a change emotionally and in how we relate to the important people in our lives can be one of those. So it's not a contradiction to care about you a lot and still for him to want to break up.

I don't think it's realistic or unrealistic to hope you guys can get back together... but either way your life still has to go on. If something happens again for you, you probably won't be able to do a lot to control it... This is really an especially good time to focus on yourself, do the things you want to do, maybe explore some new things... you're heading to college of course. And although being sad is a major part of this process, maybe it'd b good to try and make sure you continue putting effort into finding things to enjoy.

My best best wishes!

[ 06-25-2012, 08:46 AM: Message edited by: Jacob at Scarleteen ]

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Roxie102
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Thanks, Jacob. [Smile] I actually have been feeling pretty okay, better than I thought I would. I have times of complete anger at him where I just want to pick up the phone and yell at him, and I have times of just utter sadness, but I'm staying strong. I'm having trouble sleeping and eating and no libido, but I know that will get better in time. I'm not going to contact him for at least a week. In general, yes, I'm confused, but at the same time, I do understand. I know he has a lot of personal issues and things from the past that bother him, like his parents' divorce and his dad's verbal abuse, and while I always offered him support and don't really get why he needs to be alone, I respect that he wants to work on himself. Though I of course want him back, I'm staying strong and giving him the space he needs to be better. [Smile]
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copper86
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You're a very brave and caring person, Roxie102! I'm so sorry that you are going through this; and I hope that you are doing okay. You're such an encouragement to others; so I want you to know what a great person you are, and to remember that as you go through this time. Take care of yourself!

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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Roxie102
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Thanks for the kind words, Copper. [Smile]
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WesLuck
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-hugs for Roxie102-
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Roxie102
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I just found out that he deleted me from his Facebook. I'm so angry and I don't understand why he'd do that if he still wanted to be friends. It's taking every ounce of strength to not contact him right now. [Frown]

One of my friends told me not to contact him, not even after a week. She says that'll make him miss me, but all I want right now is to hear his voice, to ask him how he's doing, and hell, to even get some closure. I want to know if he was serious about what he'd told me. I feel rejected, and that hurts even more because he was my best friend, and I thought he was the one. He was awesome, smart, funny, entertaining...he completed me. We were sexually, religiously, and politically compatible. I don't want to be with anyone else, and while I still have the hope of us getting back together, I won't even date, I know. I feel like shit...

[ 06-26-2012, 12:49 PM: Message edited by: Roxie102 ]

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copper86
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I'm so sorry... I know how much it hurts when someone does something like that to you.

Maybe he did this just so he could have some space and not "see" you on his newsfeed or friends list - maybe seeing your profile when he logs on makes him sentimental. But I still agree with you on being upset - I would be too. It could be just a temporary thing. I had to delete one of my close guy friends on Facebook due to outside factors; but it certainly wasn't because I didn't like him anymore, and I miss him and will probably re-add him later. My advice would be not to jump to conclusions (though I know how hard that is to do); and see what happens. As far as contacting him, do what is best for you. If you want to, maybe contact him in a few days (just so it doesn't look like a reaction to his Facebook thing); and see how you feel about that. If you change your mind about contacting him, you don't have to do that again until you feel better.

Maybe he just wants some healing time; and maybe not seeing him on your friends list might help you get some distance and healing time, as well. I'm not in any way condoning what he did; but maybe taking some time for you and not thinking about all that will help.

I know what you mean about not wanting to date and how compatible you were. Give yourself some time (and that is in no way trying to sound cliche'ed). I am one of those people who likes guys for years; so I'm not going to say "you'll get over it" or anything like that. Take your time, don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do, and don't stop yourself from thinking about him. But try to do fun things with friends and do your own stuff that you find pleasure in doing: writing your thoughts down in a journal or writing stories, going out or playing sports, eating your favourite foods, watching your favourite shows or movies, maye join a new club or volunteer somewhere new, or have a fun day out with your friends.

I wish I could do something to make you feel better - I remember feeling like shit and at the bottom of the world when these things happened to me - so please feel free to talk as much as you want.

[ 06-26-2012, 01:35 PM: Message edited by: copper86 ]

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Roxie102
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It was just what you said, Copper. I messaged him and asked why he deleted me. (Yeah, I sent him a message out of emotion before thoroughly thinking it through. oops.) I honestly wasn't expecting a reply, but he told me he did it because every time he saw me pop up on chat, he got really sad. I understand that and respect it, and I know it'll help me too, but I guess I feel even more confused now. If he's hurting this much, why did he want to breakup? I know all the reasons, but it still doesn't make sense.

I'm at the point now where I can barely even cry. I feel numb, and I don't want to drag myself out of bed. Little things frustrate me and I hardly feel like talking to anyone. When I do talk, about anything really, I feel better, but it's just so hard to talk. I wrote a long letter to him that I don't intend to send. It really helped me get a lot of stuff out.

I feel better to know that he didn't delete me out of malice, but of course I still don't feel good. Since I now know this, I kind of have the urge to simply ask him if he wants to get back together, but I know that's jumping the gun and just a really horrible idea.

[ 06-26-2012, 06:14 PM: Message edited by: Roxie102 ]

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Roxie102
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...now he's told me he's having a hard time not calling me and that he misses me...

I'M SO CONFUSEDDDD.

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copper86
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I'm so sorry, that sounds so frustrating and truly confusing. It sounds like he himself is confused; and him telling you he misses you is a truly honest and vulnerable move. It sounds like he wanted you to know that.

Congratulate yourself for messaging him. You have a lot of guts to upfront ask him why he deleted you. I don't think it was a wrong move at all - maybe he expected that kind of response. I got the same message from my guy friend too; hours after I deleted him. And, in those situations, people deserve answers; so it's not like you were in the wrong to ask.

I know how you feel... Is there anything you can do right now to give yourself some space? Turn off your phone, Facebook, laptop, anything like that, if you don't want to talk to anyone. Sometimes, I want to pitch my phone out a window; so I know how you feel about not really wanting to talk to anyone. When I'm stressed over relational stuff, small stuff like taking out the garbage or doing my hair will tick me off, so you're not alone!

Do you have anyone to talk to in person about this? A close friend or relative - even just hugging them and being near them - might help.

Do something to help yourself unwind - take a bath, read a good book, watch your favourite show, go to bed early, have a walk somewhere peaceful - to take a break or before you go to bed. That might help you get distance or perspective.

Have a good day!

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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WesLuck
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Best wishes!
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Roxie102
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I've been taking baths before bed and I talked to one of my good friends for about an hour last night, which did make me feel better. I actually got a good laugh for the first time since it happened. I woke up this morning with more stomach pain though, as I've had since the breakup. Luckily, I have things to do all morning to distract me, but of course now I'm wondering if I should even call him since it would obviously upset him to talk to me. I'll wait a few days to make up my mind.
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copper86
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I don't think there's ever really a protocol when it comes to break-ups and whether or not you should call the person or contact them in any way. Take life one minute at a time if you like, and if you feel like you can handle contacting him, then go for it. It will affect him, but it will also affect you and how you're feeling; so do what you feel is best for you. Does he initiate contact with you sometimes? If he does or doesn't is not a concern - I'm just asking to see if you have to receive messages from him when you're trying to take time to heal.

Having a good laugh is always a fun thing! It looks like you're doing a good job on dealing with things - you should be proud of yourself. This is never easy; and you are doing a great job in taking time for you and also thinking about him and how you feel.

I'm so sorry that you're not feeling well - it's not like that's a fun thing to have on top of this. Do you have any Pepto Bismol or gingerale? Those might help. Even crackers - my mom says they absorb the acid in your stomach. I hope you are having an okay day today!

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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Roxie102
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No, he hasn't initiated contact. Would it be okay for me to ask him for a timeframe, such as, how often we can phone and when he expects to try getting back together? I also would like to hear from him again why he broke up with me. It would help me greatly.
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copper86
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You can certainly ask him for a timeframe if you want; or you could even say something like you want to talk to him, but it might only happen every couple of days. I really don't think there's a timeframe for when you can and can't talk to someone - you can ask him and see what he thinks; especially because you have both been communicating well since this happened.

You can ask for an explanation regarding the break-up and getting back together; but before you do that, it might be best to think about how his responses might affect you. I'm not saying that he'll tell you something you don't want to hear, or that you'll be ecstatic over what he says... I'm just saying that it might re-open raw wounds, even if he discusses when he'd like to try getting back together. Does that make sense?

I hope you're doing okay and that your morning went well!

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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Roxie102
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Well today, I'm doing much better. I called him last night and one of the first things he said was, "I don't see why we can't talk." We agreed to call each other about once a week, and I think I'm fine with that. I was only expecting a short conversation, but we talked over an hour just about random little things like we used to, like friends. I wrote a list of questions I intend to ask him, but I didn't ask him any last night because the conversation was going well and I didn't want to potentially get upset. He seemed solid in his decision to break up, saying that he just thought it was the right thing for us right now, and honestly, today for the first time, I can see that and accept that. I know having him while I start off college would make me miss out on a lot, so I'm actually finding myself grateful for him giving me this opportunity. I never would have done it myself, and I admire him for loving me enough to let me go. I know we really do love and care about each other, and since our relationship never really went sour, I see us getting together sometime when the time is better. We're great friends, and I intend to always stay in contact. I've realized that sometimes, it can be the right person at the wrong time, and though it still hurts, I too now see that this really was best. [Smile]
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Roxie102
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...what should I do now? He texted me for a good while yesterday, sent me a picture of himself even, and of course the phone call I mentioned above, but he won't respond to a message I sent him on Facebook. I asked him when he thought we could be friends online again, and he seems to have just ignored me. I know he's been on because he wrote
on a mutual friend's wall. I don't want to send him too many messages and push him away, but I don't know why he won't reply when we've been talking otherwise. It makes me feel
insecure and like he has something to hide, even though he's been nothing but honest with me. :/

[ 06-29-2012, 11:53 AM: Message edited by: Roxie102 ]

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Saffron Raymie
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When we we're going through a break-up, it's usually easier on both sides if we have space to process the pain and work through how feelings; the confusion, the upset and the stress. Do you think you can have some space apart from him, for a few weeks while you process what's happened?

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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thecrazycatlady
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Maybe he feels that being able to text or call you every few days is fine, but to see what you're up to on a day-to-day basis in a public forum is perhaps still a little too painful for him. It looks like he's still going through a massive healing process, same as you! Just give him time. I'm glad you're starting to feel better. These things just have a habit of working themselves out, eventually (:

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The trick, William Potter, is not minding that it hurts.

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