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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Losing touch

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Author Topic: Losing touch
fiveanddime
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I posted a while ago about being long-distance for the summer. With a month left to go, things are fine. My boyfriend and I aren't talking as much as we could, but between our jobs and the time difference, it's not easy. I'm also really busy with my job, my family, and new friends, so I don't have much time to talk to him.

I miss him and look forward to seeing him again, but it's not overwhelming because I'm having a great summer and love what I'm doing. But recently I've felt really out-of-touch on Skype. We catch each other up on how things have been going (and this is half a week to a week's worth of events) or share things that interest us, but then sometimes we don't have much more to say. It's usually late when we hang up (and he'll be getting ready to eat dinner), so we're also pretty tired. But I don't know how to mitigate the disconnect I sometimes feel. It's also very possible this is more in my head than his, so I don't really want to talk to him about this if I can avoid it in case I cause him to worry.

Can any of you guys relate? Any advice?

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Robin Lee
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When partners are physically in the same space, it's much easier to have silence, or at least gaps in the conversation, and still be and feel connected. It sounds to me like the two of you run out of things to talk about (as most people do when they have conversations) before you're ready to break the connection that you have through talking. You want to feel close to him, and righ tnow the only way to do that is through talking. But if you run out of things to talk about--again, that's just going to happen as a matter of course in conversations--it feels awkward.

Does that sound about right?

If this is the case, you'll likely feel more securely connected to him once the two of you can be in the same place together, knowing too that since you've both changed over the summer (just by virtue of having new and different experiences you'll be a little different than you were a few months ago) it might take a bit to get used to each other again.

Just some thoughts; take them with as much or as little salt as you need to. [Smile]

--------------------
Robin

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fiveanddime
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That makes a ton of sense. As I said, I'm not heartbroken or anything about him being away, but it's still hard when our once-a-week conversations fizzle out.

I'm a little nervous about seeing him again, too, for exactly that reason. Hopefully, we'll readjust.

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fiveanddime
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For some reason, I've only been able to focus on the bad parts of the relationship, even though we left for the summer on very good terms, and there are so many good things. I don't know where this is coming from: maybe it's because I feel disconnected to begin with.
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copper86
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I am exactly like you. If a relationship I have has a ton of good points or situations, I'll randomly focus on something I think is bad, or just focus on what seems to be wrong instead. I think it's quite common to focus on bad things, because we associate bad things with further bad things or like they counteract or weigh against the good. But it sounds to me like you both are communicating as best you can when you both are able, which is great. [Smile] Uncomfortable silences or silences in general are so common. Even when I'm talking to my close friend on the phone (and we've been friends for almost nine years), we get some weird silences; maybe because we already know each other and have talked about so much already, both in that conversation and just since knowing one another. Does that kind of sound like what you're going through? Knowing someone so well can sometimes make conversations super easy or a little difficult. Is there some topic you and your boyfriend haven't discussed as of yet (what jobs you'd like to get after school, a new cool restaurant or place you've recently visited, politics, new foods you ate, religion, random courses you'd like to take, favourite childhood passtimes or favourite childhood tv shows)? Pick a random topic and see what happens!

Don't feel badly about the silences and try not to worry about what you feel are bad things in the relationship. As you've said, you both left for the summer on very good terms; and you staying in touch is really great! I feel like you do when it's been a while since you've seen your partner and you feel a bit disconnected and strange; but I guarantee that when he's back (which isn't too long from now!), you'll have a ton of fun catching up! [Smile] Take care, and I hope you're having a good day!

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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WesLuck
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From me too! -hugs for fiveanddime- [Smile]
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fiveanddime
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Thanks both of you! I'll be talking to him soon and will let you know how it goes.

Copper––you're so supportive here and around the boards. You're awesome!

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WesLuck
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Yes, she's a great Peer Ambassador (and a great person too!). [Smile]
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