Donate Now
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » In love with my best friend but she has a boyfriend

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: In love with my best friend but she has a boyfriend
Macattack
Neophyte
Member # 96109

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Macattack     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Ive been friends with this girl for about 3 and a half years and we use to be a little more than friends. We made out a few times about 2 1/2 years ago but nothing ever came of it because of other issues but we remained friends.

These past couple months we started talking more and more and my old feelings that I had for her grew. She started a relationship with another guy much older than her(we are in high school). I thought it was a little weird but I supported her because it was her decision even though it was tough on me. We went to the prom together because her boyfriend was too old and not allowed. We had a great time and she came to after prom with me and we had an awesome time there too. We slept in the same bed but we didn't have sex we just cuddled the entire night and spooned. Everything felt like it was perfect and meant to be even though she has a boyfriend. She said the same thing to me, she said she felt like she was at home.

We have been nonstop talking since then and her boyfriend got deployed for 4 weeks. I told her how I felt and I know she feels the same way. She said she was relieved that her boyfriend was leaving. I know that she truly wants to be with me but she said we would take it day by day because she doesn't know what else to do. I can't stop thinking about her and I love her. We are both leaving for college in two months and I don't know what to do. She is the only person I can think of and I cannot stop thinking about her. What should I do? Please help. Any suggestion will be greatly appreciated.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Saffron Raymie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm sorry you're in this spot, Macattack, it's understandable why you feel so hurt.

It sounds like your best friend may not be being honest with her partner right now, and, for now at least, is choosing to remain in a relationship with him. So, I'd say your best bet on helping yourself heal from this, is to limit you contact with her, and focus on taking care of yourself and your emotional wellebeing - at least until she makes a decision about whether or no she wants an exclusive relationship with you, this other person - or would prefer an open relationship with the other person.

However, as you can't move forward with this until she makes a decision on this, your best bet is to step back for now, and give yourself a breather.

Do you think you can set a boundary with her to hold back from constantly contacting you while take the space needed to help yourself feel better again?

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Macattack
Neophyte
Member # 96109

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Macattack     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you Ray for taking your time in helping me.

First thing, I feel the only reason she hasn't broken up with her boyfriend is because he is halfway across the world and that she would want to do it in person. She has hinted that she doesn't really want to be with him any more but she has not made any moves yet.

As for making a boundary I feel that would be a hard thing to do since she starts almost every conversation we have. I don't want to back off now or else she might feel that I have given up on any possible relationship. I also do not want to lose our valuable friendship no matter the outcome of this situation whi h is anger Eason I do not want to limit communication.

Thanks again Ray for your advice. Any other thoughts/feelings/comments will be considered.

p.s. regarding the comment about waiting for her to make a decision- I think I am going to tell her once again how I feel and maybe try to talk to her and see where she is standing. Maybe she will tell me what she is thinking.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Saffron Raymie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I think having a talk with her about this is a grand idea - have you been able to have that talk yet? How did things go?

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Macattack
Neophyte
Member # 96109

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Macattack     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I want to but I don't know how to bring it up in conversation. Any ideas?
Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Onionpie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 41699

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Onionpie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey Macattack. I'd say the best bet is to just be straightforward and honest. Find a time when you're both free to talk to each other alone for however long you will need, and say to her that you would like to have a private conversation about what's going on between you two and that you would like her to clarify a few things for you. You can ask her beforehand to find some time to have a private discussion with you.

If you have a hard time starting conversations or keeping track of everything you need to say, there are some methods you could use to help with that. What I often do, and something you might find to help, is I write down jot notes of all the things I want to say, and then I read them over before having the conversation. You could make a list of questions that you want to ask her, and you could write out various "introductory" sentences to get some ideas of what you could say to get the conversation started. Do you think something like that would make this conversation easier for you?

Posts: 1311 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Macattack
Neophyte
Member # 96109

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Macattack     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I have no problem finding the time withd her it is more about what to say first. Part of me is hesitant to bring it up because she said we will take it day by day but it's been almost two weeks and I can't hand,e it anymore. And I like the idea of jotting down notes but I don't want it to feel too structured when we talk.

Thanks for e help!

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Onionpie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 41699

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Onionpie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
If you just jot down the notes but don't memorize them and don't actually have them on you while you're having the conversation, it shouldn't come across as too structured. It's just a way of helping you remember important things to say. And I still think being direct and honest is the best way to start and have the conversation.

You could say something like "Hey, I know you said we'd take things day by day with this, but I really feel like I need to talk some of this stuff through and get some solid answers on where you stand right now and how you're feeling around all of it. Would you be open to talking to me honestly and filling me in on what's going on for you?"

That way, if you both want, you can pick a time to talk about it in the near future so she can gather her thoughts and think about what she wants to say, and it will mean she will have a little time to really put thought into what she wants and how she's feeling. But it ensures that the conversation is started.

Does that sound good?

[ 07-02-2012, 01:29 PM: Message edited by: Onionpie ]

Posts: 1311 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Macattack
Neophyte
Member # 96109

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Macattack     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yes that is a very good idea! Thank you onionpie I'll let you know how it goes
Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Onionpie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 41699

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Onionpie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
No problem, and good luck! [Smile]
Posts: 1311 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3