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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » being friends with an ex

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Author Topic: being friends with an ex
Meryl Anne
Member # 93859

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Hello everyone!

It's been two months since I've broken up with my ex. It has been a fairly rocky road, but I took the advice I was given here and learned to live with my feelings. Things got smoother from there and I am happy to report that I weathered the break-up very well.

A week ago, while on vacation, I just really missed my ex. I had been missing him for a while at that point but I decided to sit on contacting him again for about a week to see if it wasn't just a fleeting thing. When I was sure that I really wanted to do it, I went ahead and sent him a text message. We ended up having a good phone conversation.

I told him that I only wanted to be friends at that point. On the inside, I'm also very sure that this is how I want things to be right now. He said he was ok with that and was just happy we were talking again.

From there, things have been tentative and awkward, but at least amicable. I often get moments of self-doubt, like if I did the right thing by striking up a friendship. There was one day where this one song reminded me of one of our worst fights and it brought on the doubt even more.

My question is, is this all ok? Can we really be friends? How should I know if it's a good time?

For context, here are some of my older posts:

The story of our relationship:

After breaking up:

Posts: 47 | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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Hello, Meryl! I am glad to hear you have been doing better and feel like you are moving on. That's great!

As far as being friends with an ex goes, it is hard to make blanket statements about that, as it can really go either way. For some people, it's the right thing to do and works out well, and for others it is better to have some more space. So, for the most part, you'll just have to listen to your gut and see how it goes.

For what it's worth, it does sound to me like you have been going about it in a very healthy and safe way. Listening to yourself, taking your time with it, and slowly reconnecting.

Continuing on with this, you will just want to keep checking in with yourself to see if this is alright for you, if you are comfortable with the level of interaction. And if you feel like this isn't good for you after all, or this is progressing to a point you are not comfortable with, it is always alright to talk to your ex about dialing it back down a little.

I wish you the best of luck with this!

Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Meryl Anne
Member # 93859

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That is honestly some very comforting advice. I guess I'm just going to have to keep trusting myself then. Thank you!
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Member # 96015

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The proper timeline and style for how you interact with your ex is a very personal thing - it's totally okay to go with whatever feels best for you. Having friendly conversations with someone who has been a big part of your life can be a really fun and comforting thing to do, if it's something you both want. It took me and my ex a year of almost no contact before we were able to start working on becoming friends again, but everyone's relationship and post-relationship interactions are different. It sounds like you're doing a great job of being clear about your boundaries and what you want out of this friendship, and generally handling things very well.
Posts: 62 | From: California | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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