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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Parents

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Author Topic: Parents
lovepink888
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So what do you do when your 20 years old and your parents are still treating you like your five and get mad because you like someone. When i first told them that I liked someone (not actually telling them i'm dating someone because I knew what the reaction would be) they flipped out and immediately went straight to the don't have sex and throw your life away kick. To be honest, I don't have sex, but me and my boyfriend do make out, and he did get pre cum spot thru his jeans once which made me freak out and think i was pregnant which i found out thru you guys isn't possible but because of my anxiety order makes it hard to convince myself otherwise. So what can I do for them to let me go out with him and so that I don't have to lie about it?
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Heather
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Can I ask if you've been doing other things in your life to kind of separate from them and help them see you as the adult you are now?

Like, for instance, working any kind of job, or doing any kind of advanced education, maybe looking into your own place to live, etc?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lovepink888
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I'm a college student studying pre-med, Im on a college cheerleading team and travel to different states to compete on my own, I take care of my own things, I schedule all of my own appointments, I do volunteer work, and I am currently looking for a job. I am also currently taking summer classes to get ahead. I don't know what else I can do to show them that they don't need to worry. I just have an anxiety disorder that makes me struggle every once in a while.
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Heather
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I'd agree: it'd be pretty hard NOT to see that you obviously are more than capable of managing your own life in a lot of different respects,

So, when they react this way, then what happens? Do they then try and control you where they say you can't go out when you want to, etc?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lovepink888
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They take my phone and read my texts when Im outside or sleeping and they make a big deal about me going out and whose going to be there and they give me a lecture every time about not doing stuff i regret and to not lie and everything but its frustrating because none of my other friends have that issue. I understand they care and everything i just wish i had more freedom and they trusted me
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Heather
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I'm so sorry to hear that you're having your privacy invaded that way. That really stinks and is so disrespectful.

So, first up? I'd find a place to put your phone where they can't do that. I mean, first ask them not to, period, just to hold your own ground, but then make it so they can't, anyway.

With the lectures, what's happened when you have tried to set limits with that? Like by saying that you are an adult and you'd like for them to allow you to make your own choices and support you in that, so if they want to talk with you about their concerns, things you haven't already discussed, you can do that, but in two-way conversations and not when you're on your way somewhere?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lovepink888
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I always let them know where I am going and everything so its frustrating for me. I have tried everything they just aren't making it any easier on me.
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Heather
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What happens when you just leave while they're starting in on that stuff?

And I would like to know what happens when you set the kind of limits I suggested, just to get a clearer picture of what's been tried and hasn't and how it's gone.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lovepink888
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I usually just end up staying home when they start stuff like that just to keep them satisfied and to keep me from being yelled at. When i set limits I get yelled at and they try to make me feel guilty as well. Its very disheartening.
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Heather
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So, instead of staying home, have you ever asserted your independence instead and just gone out? I mean, if you're not there, you can't be yelled at.

Also, if this is full-blown yelling, can I ask if no longer living at home is an option for you? I ask because yelling can be verbal abuse, and certainly, at least, isn't an emotionally healthy environment for anyone to be in.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lovepink888
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There is no possible way I could move out at this time. I feel so terrible here sometimes and your right its not the test environment its not full blown but enough that makes me cry and be upset for long periods of time. I try to assert my independence but its usually best i don't for my sake in the long run. I am also struggling with the anxiety disorder that keeps me on edge as well and I panic about stuff like pregnancy even tho i don't have sex and always keep my clothes on around my boyfriend and he does the same. I just feel like I'm going thru a lot and theres really no one to talk to because my parents aren't exactly the best models.
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Heather
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I'm so sorry this is all so hard on you.

Can I suggest seeing if the next time you're going to go out and this starts to happen, you can't just push through and go on out? Sounds like that's not something you tried, and sometimes that's the kind of step we need to take to assert our independence and show folks not letting us have it that it IS ours, not theirs, and we will stand up for it, rather than cave.

Know what I mean? Point is, I'm not certain NOT doing that really is best for you in the long run.

Also, with a family that seems to push stuff about you winding up pregnant, I'm not at all surprised you're panicking about pregnancy. Of course you feel very worried about that, since if it did happen, you'd be proving them right.

Are you getting any help/treatment for your anxiety disorder?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lovepink888
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I am not currently getting help for my disorder because it hasn't really been diagnosed i just know thats the problem. I also had a lot of emotional damage growing up so its hard to stand up for myself etc. And i already asked people if i had any pregnancy risk and they said no on this website and my period isn't due for like 3 or 4 more days and I'm scared i might not get it, even tho my boyfriend had a little precum on his jeans which does pose a risk for pregnancy. Its just a lot for me to deal with right now. I just want to thank you for everything you guys have done for me so far.
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Heather
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Of course.

Do you want any help in seeing about getting some help with even just getting anxiety assessed? have you looked into any student health services at your school, for instance?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lovepink888
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I would rather not go to the school about it, the last thing I want is the school to know about my problems, i just want them to know me for my success in academics. Are there any other options? Who should I go to a therapist? A psychiatrist?
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Heather
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Student health services are usually confidential and separate from the academic side of things.

But for sure, if you have access to a private therapist or psychiatrist, those are absolutely options for an assessment. Do you have access to that kind of private care?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lovepink888
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I feel like i could find someone outside of the college to help me i am just unsure of were to look or what would be best for me?
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