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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Help with communication!!

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Author Topic: Help with communication!!
mysticgal12
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me and my mother have always been super close. But when i turned 16 (im now almost 18) she started treating me differently. she started acting like at any min i was gonna start being some awful teenager who would do everything in her power to get in trouble.
but im not like that. i started feeling like i couldnt talk to my mom like i used to. when i brought this up she yelled at me and said it was "because of my age" this didnt make any sense to me.
so incresingly i have not been talking to my mom as much. in febuary i went thro a really rough patch with depression and even considered suicide. i got really scared and opened up to my mom. she and i finnaly were able to talk to each other again.
but now any time i try to talk to her she gets angry with me and yells at me. she seems to get mad whenever i want to do things with my friends or things age related. like prom. i wanted to go to prom and even saved the money to go but mom fought with me- even refused to help me get ready for the event. now i was invited to go to a cedar point trip and she is yelling at me saying im selfish and should be helping to buy things for our household.
i feel like i cant even talk to her about my boyfriend because she already decided she hates him, and when we broke up a few months ago she voiced this ALOT. but now that we are in counselling and working things out, my mom still doesnt know because im afraid she will just yell and punish me. it has gotten to the point where i barely say a word to her anymore.
i just dont know what to do. can anyone help me?

Posts: 73 | From: sdgsdfgsd | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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I'm sorry you're going through this.

Unfortunately, this kind of change in family dynamics at some point of adolescence is very common, and it's obviously very uncomfortable for the adolescent it's happening to.

You say you're seeing a counselor: have you talked to them about this at all?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mysticgal12
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i have talked to her. i go to her about my depression and anxiety. and she said that maybe i should try writing a note. but things change so fast and im TERRIFIED of how my mom would react to the note.

just today i thought we were play fighing, something we have always done in my family, we were standing by the fridge and i tapped on her arm. she hit me without looking and hit my in between my legs and it hurt. i didnt expect her to hit that hard and shrugged it off as she wasnt paying attention, so i contuinied to try and play with her...but then she got really mad and yelled that if i kept doing it then i was gonna be sorry. i got scared and wound up crying in the bathroom and then just leaving the house all together.
i just dont know what to do anymore to make things better

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Heather
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When you've said to your counselor that writing a note is something you're very scared to do, what has she said about that?

Also, can I ask what her input has been about the dynamics in your family?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mysticgal12
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she said that it was up to me to decide what to do with the note situation. and we have only disscussed this once. ive only been to her 3 times and the first two visits were purely dedicated to my suicidal thoughts and how i was doing on my medicine. and the last time i was trying to tell her about me and mom's situation and about how my boyfriend fits into this. but now things seem to be escalating really fast.

most of the time i feel like i am getting emotional whiplash cuz one min we are fighting and the next things seem almost normal

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Heather
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So, sounds like it's be wise for you to ask if you can dedicate more time to what's going on at home. And that might very well have something to do with how you have been feeling, anyway.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mysticgal12
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yeah. but my mom wont take me to see my counselor any more than once a month. or once every two months. it makes it hard to have someone to talk to or get any help. the counselor had originally wanted me to go every 2 weeks.

and the counselor seems the think that maybe my mom has some issues "letting go" i turn 18 in november.
and she treated my older sister in a very similar way till she moved out right before her 18th birthday

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Heather
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Okay, so what do YOU think some of the possible ways are that you can address/deal with this with her where you do feel safe and able?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mysticgal12
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i honestly dont see any way to without getting yelled at. i even asked her before if she would join a counseling session with me and i get yelled at that i was expecting too much.

i still think thats a good idea though because she cant yell at me when there is another adult to calm things down.

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Heather
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So, you don't ee anything at all that you can do here to talk to your mother where you feel safe? None at all?

If that's true, then it's time to ask someone to intervene who you trust, like another family member, a teacher, a friend's parent, someone, anyone.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mysticgal12
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maybe my older sister?

i just dont like that i cant talk to her. especially when i wannt to be able to be open to her about what is going on with me and my guy too. i know she doesnt like him all that much, but i like him alot and if he is willing to work out our realationship then i do not see the big issue with wanting to be with him. i even discussed this with my counselor and she agreed, and even gave him a card with a number for a counselor that he is going to go see too.

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mysticgal12
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like me and my boy (ill just call him D) got together in september. he was the first person i ever slept with and we were really close. in november he kissed another girl and we broke up for a week, but eventually worked things out and got back together. everything was fine until feburary when i had my major meltdown due to my unchecked depression. i freaked him out really bad and i was very mean to him (and everyone else) for months. he broke up with me, but continued to be there for me in when i came back to school and everything and we got back together after i got on my meds and became a nicer person, well went back to how i was before. and now twards the end of the year we kept having lil fights and my mom hated him soo much we kind of broke things off again. i was tryin to make things better with my mom really. but things are not any better and im not happy knowing i threw away the one person i could openly talk to and not be afraid of the response. now we wanna get back together but if i so much as tell my mom we are talking she will ground me and forbid me to leave the house for any reason. she will even send me to live with my father if it keeps me away from D.
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Heather
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Sure, your older sister sounds like she might be a great choice, especially if she and your mother went through this and have since repaired their relationship.

Heck, even if not, maybe both of you -- without yelling -- could sit down with her and say how hurt you both have been by her change in behaviour towards you at a certain age, she might start to get it and get that she needs to work on that so she doesn't mess up her relationships with all her kids during their teen years.

I'd suggest putting the boyfriend stuff aside for right now. Start with you and your Mom's relationship. Especially if your boyfriend and you have had troubles with you being maltreated at all or anything being unhealthy and you say you're in counseling as a we, but he hasn't actually been in counseling himself (so, it isn't a we, but a you). Expecting a parent to be totally down with a relationship that might not be healthy isn't just expecting a lot, it can be expecting them to...well, help you not be safe, which is counter to what they're supposed to be doing as parents. Know what I mean?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mysticgal12
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i get that. it just feels like he is the only one i can talk to sometimes. and sometimes i just feel like mom is trying to control every aspect of my life while not even being there to talk to
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