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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I call it "Sniper's Vision", having some difficulty with a Long Distance Relationship

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Author Topic: I call it "Sniper's Vision", having some difficulty with a Long Distance Relationship
Arthur Lexington
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Hello! Its Lexington again, with another paranoid post with a cool title.

My usual rules apply, no speaking of this if you EVER happen to find me outside this community, no trolls or a retaliation WILL be launched on all fronts (Including moderator action), and the like.


Ok so.

Ive been in a long distance relationship with this REALLY amazing girl who recently moved over to Mililani Hawaii, for 5 months now, she and I have been through several veritable hells together and I really think that our love isnt just infatuation. But two things.

1. She is sexually active, and from what i gather she was (before meeting me) very sexually active for undisclosed reasons, and she also suffers from Nymphomania

2. I dont have alot of experience with relationships and I get very lonely very easily.

Really, when I get alone like that her brother drums up some scheme to "Troll" me with his tales of her past 'adventures'. It tears me apart inside to know that she could be doing this behind my back with whoever. Alot of really horrible things happen to the two of us including Sabotage from her guardian (Yes, outright sabotage) She isn't restricted by an invisible sexuality barrier either, she is bisexual however she leans more towards females (Stating I am possibly the only man she will ever really love)

Its really just an invisible force, a feeling of icicles in my spine when i think about this that drives me to get assistance. I've ran this show for 5 months but I feel like I need some assistance making it work.

LEAVING HER IS NOT AN OPTION!

-Lexington

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Pax est mendacium, Mundus est mendacium, Fatum Terminatum

Posts: 13 | From: [CLASSIFIED] | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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Well, hello again! [Smile]

Here's what I think is the problem: your girlfriend's brother. Sounds like, for whatever reason, he is not a fan of you and/or this relationship, and so he is trying to make things very hard for you. That can't be a fun situation for you, and I am sorry that is going on. Long-distance relationships, if that isn't what you want, are hard enough without someone meddling in it like that.

Is there any way you can ask her brother, politely but firmly, to back off and stop telling you tall tales about your girlfriend? If he won't listen to reason on that, you may also just have to restrict your contact to him.

And a word on your girlfriend: I'd let go of the idea that she is a "nymphomaniac". That term doesn't really mean anything, and does not exist as a medical diagnosis. I am not sure where you heard that and what you/whoever told you thinks it means, but it's just not something that means anything.

That said, since a lot of your concerns seem to revolve around her sexual history, I wonder if you have ever asked HER about that, rather than listening to her brother?

[ 05-30-2012, 03:27 AM: Message edited by: September ]

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Arthur Lexington
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On the nymphomania thing, she is actually in therapy for that currently (I think the term is sex-addiction or whatever) but what it was described to me as is Nymphomania.

On many differenct occasions I have spoken to her about it, needless to say it is an infinitely awkward conversation, and I try really hard with my paranoia not to call out on public forum like this, but sometimes I really can't do much more than ask an impartial audience that has more experience than I do in boh proximal and LD Relationships. Her brother for the MOST PART is a pretty good guy, the splitting image of myself (Which frankly, I wouldn't mind if what happened between the two of them never did, which I may freak out about in a LESS public forum) and he can be a really good person. But maybe its too much 4chan or whatever for the guy.

I'd appreciate advice on how to keep the relationship between my girlfriend and I strong even over an ocean's distance and with meddling from her brother.

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Pax est mendacium, Mundus est mendacium, Fatum Terminatum

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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If someone who is a medical person is using that term, anyone hearing them or being treated by them needs to know their education is VERY outdated at best, or may not even be any kind of education at all. And even sex addiction is a very iffy diagnosis, one most psychological organizations and schools are not in support of (sexual compulsivity, however, is pretty widely accepted).

So. If she has been diagnosed as sexually compulsive by someone with any chops, and/or feels strongly she is herself, has she talked to someone sound about managing exclusive relationships -- with or without distance, since it's pretty irrelevant?

In terms of her brother, has she ever talked to him about boundaries? How about you: have you set clear boundaries with him? And if you have and he hasn't respected them, have you blocked his access to you so that he can't keep doing this stuff to you?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(Just one thing, btw: this hasn't come up, but it's really impossible for us to be able to really help people with creating and managing healthy relationships if someone says not being with someone simply isn't an option. because, really, that means choosing to be together isn't optional, and right there, that's not a healthy relationship framework.

Now, it doesn't look right now like there's any reason to talk about splitting up if that's not what either of you wants, if the two of you, yourselves, aren't having problems, etc. But that is a limit that's just not a sound one to put on us if we're to support healthy frameworks, rather than enable unhealthy ones, which isn't okay for us to do and we're not okay doing, okay? Cheers.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Arthur Lexington
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I have discussed boundaries with him before (Doesnt stop an experienced troll who frequents 4Chan) and on several occasions have I snapped and barred him from contact with me, only to be chewed out by my girlfriend and having to un-bar him. Believe me we are a triad of people with some major issues.

Really I wrote that there because alot of the times I get "Leave her" or "She isnt worth it" or "Dude just leave her", "Long Disctance isn't worth it".

I really expected more community answers and am kind of appalled (In a good way) that medical experts / moderators on the forum are actually answering my questions.

And really, this is something where I'm really looking for advice on what I should do to seal that crack my paranoia creates, as i've stated I have little experience with relationships of this caliber and of this type at all.

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Pax est mendacium, Mundus est mendacium, Fatum Terminatum

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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So, sounds like then, you and your girlfriend need to have a talk about this. Really, it needs to be okay for you to cut off anyone who is harassing you, just like I'm sure you'd feel the same about her doing so if someone was harassing her.

So, I don't think it's healthy or sound for her to tell you you need to tolerate harassment. I think you need to make clear to her you both need to have the right to be free of harassment. And if her family members are harassing you and she would prefer you have a relationship with them, then THEY are who she needs to have words with, not you. You need to be allowed to have healthy limits and boundaries, and this is certainly one of those.

Our community is one where we have a very active staff, so by all means, if you'd prefer more community answers, anyone can always let us know, and we're happy to step back. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Arthur Lexington
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Active and effective! I really appreciate that the experts are in on this as much as the community, i'm a member on quite a bit of forums and this just took me by surprise.

This one is one of those grab-bag questions, I'll probably mark in the title who I would appreciate answering more (Like my other topic I posted, I definitely want more expert answers than community)

Thanks for your answer and I'll probably talk to her tonight (There is a 3 hour time difference) and I'll talk to her about it.

Really, I can't thank you enough, I have probably found my go-to people for my paranoia-induced-relationship-questions or the things that my usual circles cannot assist me with.

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Pax est mendacium, Mundus est mendacium, Fatum Terminatum

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, we're happy to be of service. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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