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Author Topic: My best friend is pregnant...
Alaskagirl16
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My best friend told me today that she's 15 weeks pregnant. She didn't know until a week ago and found out due to a car accident she was in. Today, she told me that she's decided to have an abortion. I don't believe in abortions so I am upset with her decision. I respect the fact that it's her personal choice, but I'm struggling with how I'm supposed to be a good friend and be there for her when I don't agree with what she is doing. How should I handle the situation?
Posts: 63 | From: America | Registered: Jul 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
copper86
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I'm sorry that you are going through a tough time. I really don't know what to tell you. Something like an abortion is a very tough decision to make. It is something that might always be on your friend's mind; so I think that in any situation where a friend is stressed or hurting, the best you could do is be there for her: to listen, to take care of her, and to be consoling. It sounds like you are quite close, so I'm sure you're already doing that. This is a really personal choice for her; but how you feel about it is personal, as well. What I can suggest is do what you feel is best: take care of her and be there for her in the way you feel will be comfortable for you (even if it's taking her out for coffee or a movie; or listening to her - you are her friend and she will appreciate you, whatever you do!).

I hope you are doing well; and that your friend is okay!

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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Robin Lee
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HI Alaskagirl16,

It is tough, but very possible, to support our friends through things we don't personally agree with. Does your friend have family, a partner, or other friends she can also rely on? It's totally okay for you to be supportive of her without being her primary support through this. Simplyletting her know that you care about her and doing something helpful (like taking her a meal while she recovers) or fun (like taking her out to a movie) may very well be enough.

A thought about abortion being a tough thing: It's often a tough decision, but for different reasons for different people. It may alter someone's life considerably, and it may not. So, once your friend goes through and recovers from the procedure it may not be a big thing in her life. ...then again it may; we just won't know (and she may not know) until the time comes.

So, to my mind, this leaves us with the question of how do you think this will impact your friendship in the long run, knowing that it may be a bigger deal for you than it is for your friend?

In terms of the present, would you like to talk about the things that you feel will be challenging, knowing, again, that you are in no way obligated to be her primary support on this?

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Robin

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Alaskagirl16
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She has her boyfriend for support, but besides him and I she hasn't told anyone. He's a little freaked out because it isn't his baby, but he told her he'd support and help her through whatever choice she makes. Her father isn't speaking to her because he strongly disagrees with abortion, so overall I am her primary support.
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Robin Lee
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HI Again AlaskaGirl16,

That is tough, for her and for you. Does your friend know how you feel personally about abortion?

It's very clear to me that you care a lot about her, and want to care for her and support her, while still honouring your own beliefs.

There's a resource that you and your friend might both find helpful. Sharing this resource with her would be a huge sign of caring from you, whether or not she decides to use it.

Exhale
http://www.exhaleprovoice.org
is a nonjudgmental post-abortion line for people of all beliefs. They're there to support people's individual experiences and have no political agenda.

What can we talk about here that will be the most helpful to you?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Just thought I'd add a few things that might help you out.

My hope is that you already know and feel that a given person's pregnancy, just like their life, is a very uniquely individual thing, even when someone has had more than one pregnancy. I'm also hoping you recognize that what makes remaining pregnant and then parenting or arranging an adoption feasible/doable for one person in one scenario either may be different for someone else, or, even if those things are the same, one person may have access to them while another person does not.

I tend to think that it's sound to figure that when it comes to choices with pregnancy, every choice we can make is essentially a parenting decision. In other words, we've got to figure out both what the best choice is we can make for ourselves AND what the best choice is we can make for a child, as the only person who can make decisions on their behalf and the only person who also will always have to be responsible for that first decision.

I wonder if seeing this like that might help you to be supportive for your friend, even if you don't totally understand her choice, or feel it isn't the choice you'd make for yourself, or even the choice you'd make if your circumstances were identical to hers.

(And I say don't think it's the choice you'd make because you seriously never do know. It's one thing to have ideas about what we'd do when we haven't had to so something, and another to actually be in a situation, for real. As well, as someone who has worked in and around abortion, I know that people who identify as pro-life sometimes -- and to my knowledge, at the same rates as those who are not -- choose to terminate pregnancies, too, for all the same reasons people who are pro-choice do.)

We don't really have to agree with the choices of someone we care about to support them, nor do we have to think we'd make the same choice i the same spot. Since we're different people, we're probably not going to make the same choices or have the same circumstances, so this will happen often over time in any kind of relationship.

By the by, you don't have to be her only or primary support. For one, sounds like her boyfriend is pitching in there, too, there are services like Exhale that Robin mentioned, communities like this, and others. And if you don't feel you can really be supportive to her because of your feelings, you don't have to be some kind of superhero, either. You can always help her find others who can do what you can't, and if you really can't be supportive and put your own personal values aside with this, that might also be the best thing to do for her.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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