Donate Now
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I don't know how I should feel about him...

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: I don't know how I should feel about him...
Rosalia
Activist
Member # 82681

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Rosalia     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
For a context background: I suffered sexual abuse and rape from my past relationship. It damaged me severely, but I have gotten better in terms of the self-hate and suicidal thoughts that came with the trauma. Over the last few months, I've had ups and downs with healing.

However, I've also become a very reclusive person and nearly a mute. My only friend had been kind to me through my crisis, though our primary means of communication is through notes I write.

Through her, I met her friend. He's a month younger than me, and he's friendly to me. Something I'm not used to on a boy. My past has been conflicting with me getting to trust him. I simply don't know how I feel, part of me fears he is being manipulative to get what he wants like my abuser, but I also want to be loved.

I'm just so confused, I don't know how to act.

--------------------
"Always remember this little sister, no mater where you or I go, no matter what happens to the either of us, know that I'll always be with you in your heart." - R.I.P my friend.

Posts: 125 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
How long have you known this new person?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Rosalia
Activist
Member # 82681

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Rosalia     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Since the end of February. He's been nothing but nice to me, but I don't know if I can trust him. My mind just won't let be process the niceness as true.

--------------------
"Always remember this little sister, no mater where you or I go, no matter what happens to the either of us, know that I'll always be with you in your heart." - R.I.P my friend.

Posts: 125 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
What would you be thinking about trusting him with?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Rosalia
Activist
Member # 82681

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Rosalia     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Trusting him treating me without hurting me in any way. Trust him to not take advantage of me. Trust him to at least not be the type of person my abuser was. He says he likes me, but U don't know my feelings toward him.

I'm not sure if that made sense. Is that too much for me to expect?

--------------------
"Always remember this little sister, no mater where you or I go, no matter what happens to the either of us, know that I'll always be with you in your heart." - R.I.P my friend.

Posts: 125 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Here's the thing: trust is something that we build with people. Just walking in and trusting people with big things right off the bat isn't something sound for anyone to do.

So, we take time to build trust with people, over time. And while we're in that process, we make choices about what we are and are not yet comfortable trusting them with, ideally choosing not to do anything with them that requires a level of trust we don't have yet.

By all means, your abuse and assault was really recent, so it might even be too soon for a new dating relationship, or it may mean you need way more time than he does to move one forward. And that's okay: nothing wrong with going at your own pace.

Are you still getting counseling? If so, have you talked with your counselor about the possibility of dating?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Rosalia
Activist
Member # 82681

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Rosalia     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I still have counseling, but never mentioned it. I didn't mean dating when I typed the previous posts, just letting him be close to me more in the sense of a good friend.

Not to say that is not what he is looking for, it is. He had said it is, but I'm not sure if I'm able to go through with that. I don't know if he really cares for me, or if I'm ready to let anyone that close to me again.

I'm trying to take this one step a time.

--------------------
"Always remember this little sister, no mater where you or I go, no matter what happens to the either of us, know that I'll always be with you in your heart." - R.I.P my friend.

Posts: 125 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
So, maybe the conversation to have with your counselor is about becoming close friends with someone?

Of course, if he's saying friendship isn't what he's really after, and dating is, then it's also sound to even check in with him about if a plantonic-friendship only is something he wants to even cultivate in the first place.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Rosalia
Activist
Member # 82681

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Rosalia     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'll be sure to tell my counselor tomorrow about this. I'll try to tell him that I'm confused as to what I want right now and that maybe dating isn't the best option, for now at least. I don't know how he will take it though, he knows my about my abuse and assault, but I don't want to hurt him either.

Thank you, Heather.

--------------------
"Always remember this little sister, no mater where you or I go, no matter what happens to the either of us, know that I'll always be with you in your heart." - R.I.P my friend.

Posts: 125 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You know, I think it's important to recognize that dating someone, or simply ignoring an interest they have in there, aren't things we do to protect someone from hurt. Just like having sex with someone when we don't want it but they do isn't about harm-protection.

Sex, or sexual or romantic relationships aren't gifts we give people, or things we do to make someone else feel better. They're big things that ask a lot of everyone involved, so everyone involved needs to want those things for their own reasons.

If this person can't handle someone not sharing a romantic interest or not being ready to even consider that question, then you can know pretty clearly this isn't someone sound to get close to, because they lack some very basic resiliency people need in order to have relationships, of any kind, with others.

So, I'd talk to your counselor, and if you're going to talk to this guy about not being interested in or ready to even consider a romantic relationship, you don't mince words or send mixed messages, which statements like "this isn't the best option right now," can do. Instead, if you know, as you said here, that's not something you're even ready to consider, I'd be honest and speak to that honestly and clearly.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Rosalia
Activist
Member # 82681

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Rosalia     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I don't have it in me to even think of sex, I just can't without me having some sort of terrible flashback. I'm not worried about any relationship getting to that point at all right now.

I just don't want to hurt him, but if I must I will be honest and clear as I can with him. I'm not ready for a romantic relationship. He will have to understand that, I hope he does. He's a nice person, but I can't be with him he isn't understanding or acceptig of my needs. Maybe I'm just telling myself that to hide the fact I don't know myself how I feel about this.

I'm going to talk to my counselor and the boy tomorrow.

--------------------
"Always remember this little sister, no mater where you or I go, no matter what happens to the either of us, know that I'll always be with you in your heart." - R.I.P my friend.

Posts: 125 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Again, if you're not mean in what you say to him, you won't hurt him.

All of us have to deal with not getting what we want sometimes: that's just part of life. None of us can protect people from that, and just not giving someone something they want isn't doing them harm. And we are going to say no to people sometimes in life: we can't (and won't really want to) just say yes to everyone all the time, that's not healthy for anyone.

The best we can do when we have to do or say something that isn't what someone would ideally want is to do so with care and kindness. That's what we do to avoid hurting people.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Rosalia
Activist
Member # 82681

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Rosalia     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
After talking to my counselor, and giving it a few days thought, I decided a relationship anymore than being friends isn't a good idea even if I wanted it. I talked to the boy, I tried to be as clear and sincere as I could. I may have come across as a bit cold thinking on it now, I didn't make any eye contact (not that I ever do) and my words may have been said in a harsh way. As in I was struggling to keep my voice steady and in doing that, I was a bit loud.

In any case, I told him, "I know you have feelings for me, but I can't be in a relationship. I need time to adjust and heal and that can't happen if I'm thrown into that situation. I'm sorry" Exactly those words.

Not entirely sure why, but I was crying a bit. He seemed to understand and he's still being kind and friendly towards me. But now, there is the thought of us both knowing he tried to start a relationship and I refused. I don't know if this will stay unmention or if he will wait until I heal enough. Whenever that is. I'm confused as to what happens between us now.

--------------------
"Always remember this little sister, no mater where you or I go, no matter what happens to the either of us, know that I'll always be with you in your heart." - R.I.P my friend.

Posts: 125 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3