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Author Topic: Emotionally/mentally strained over breakup
peachie764
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Hi everyone.

I've been a reader on the forum for a while..and I have looked at many threads about breakups. It didn't really help me out too much. And I've finally had the courage to share my story in hopes of seeking help from others.

I was in a relationship for almost 4 years with my ex. We had planned on getting married eventually after we finished post-secondary. He left me last year in november. I was really distraught. It completely destroyed me. He never told me the reason he left. It just ended with 'I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore.'

At that point I was completely lost. I was absorbed and obsessed with trying to get him back. I was a complete mess. I even thought about suicide because I didn't care about my life anymore. I didn't care about anything. I was in a really bad place and just kept to myself from then on. I let my life fall apart. I let my grades slip. I shut everyone out of my life.

2 months ago, he texted me and said he misses how happy we used to be and how lonely he is without me. Being the idiot that I am, I believed him because I really wanted that to be true. I kept asking for answers from him but never got them. So in january, he told me to forget about him because he doesn't even know why he felt that way at that time.

Since then, about a month ago, I've fallen back to that place - empty, crying over him, not being to let go. I don't know why. I tell myself he's hurt me twice now, he's dead...that person who once loved me is dead and never coming back. But my heart just won't let go. It's heavily effecting my schoolwork and my life all together. It's my final semester of post-secondary and I'm supposed to be happy about graduation but I'm stuck in this limbo. I did pack away everything from him, deleted all of his messages and emails. I don't know why I do this, but every day I look at his Facebook. It's open to all so even if I deleted him, I can still see. he still has pictures of the two of us, albums of us...they're still there and I can't make sense of that. I don't know why he would leave them up. I admit I'm pretty pathetic. I know part of me, is clinging onto the reason he has those pictures is to get back together one day. but the bigger part of me knows it's not true.

So the real problem is I'm thinking back to suicide..or running away and just disappearing. everywhere I am, it holds too many memories with him. He was my first boyfriend. I have a huge lack of focus around school and everything else. I don't want to be around anyone or talk to anyone. If I'm around people, I don't show it but once I'm alone, I lost who I once was. I know I have a huge problem and I don't know how to deal with it. I wish I could erase all of these memories with him. I feel like a body without a soul..just empty all the time. Always crying, always sad. never know how to be happy anymore. I guess I'm way past the stage of depression. I just wish for some advice. I don't want to talk to a counsellor because they have been useless to me in the past with personal issues. I want to get over him but I lack the motivation and the courage and strength. I don't know where to start. please help..

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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peachie, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time.

The very first thing I'd suggest, something tangible, is blocking yourself from his Facebook. You already put the other reminders away, but this belongs in that box, as it were, too. Even if it's open to all, if you unfriend him, it shouldn't show up in your timeline.

Next up, can we look at your social life now? Who is in your support circle? What friends or family members are part of your life, who you can lean on with this, but also explore your relationships with and spend time with? If you've shut everyone out and kept them that way, can you start with three people you apologize too and ask back in, and put energy into rebuilding your relationships with?

In terms of school, is there perhaps an academic or advisory counselor you can see to make sure you can get through the rest of school okay?

Have you also checked in with a general physician -- you say you don't want to see a counselor -- about your depression to see if you aren't helped in getting over this hump by some treatment for depression that isn't talk therapy?

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Redskies
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Hi peachie, I just wanted to add a few words of support. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so rough.

Some of what you wrote reminded me a lot of what I felt when I experienced a horrible break-up, also my first relationship that had lasted for years. I remember being completely desolate, in so much pain, I didn't know how I was going on existing from day to day, and I found it very hard to be with people. I physically felt as though I must have been hit by a truck. So, I really, really hear you on how rough you're feeling.

Someone gave me some advice that worked well for me. I didn't feel like myself at all, I felt as though I had almost nothing inside me and no feeling left for other people; the advice I was given was, it was ok if I couldn't relate to the people around me, ok if I couldn't join in, ok if I didn't have anything to give or anything left to feel - I should just absorb what was going on around me. I should just be there. Perhaps that wouldn't work for everyone, but for me, that was how I existed for several months. I didn't expect it, but it turned out to be the way I very gradually found my way back into feeling like I was a person again. It was enough of a connection when I didn't have anything else to give.

I don't know whether this is helpful for you to hear now or not, but in case it is, I'll tell you that I've known great happiness since that time. I certainly didn't think it was possible, but it's what happened.

Also, I don't think you're an idiot at all. It's totally understandable that we're so attached to someone we spent so much time with, and at a really formative time of our life, too, and that we'd hope we could get that back. At least for me, it wasn't "just" the lost relationship that I was grappling with, but with a feeling that the entirety of my reality had suddenly and brutally changed. I think it takes some time to adjust to that.

Hang in there. This amount of pain is not never-ending, I promise.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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peachie764
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Thank you for responding and than kyou for the support. It's the most I've gotten from anyone I know.

My family believes that I should already be over him considering it's been 4 months. I've stopped mentioning anything about it because upon hearing that, I knew they weren't going to be supportive. My closest friends are all in relationships..it makes me really frustrated whenever they talk about their other half that I don't want to ask them to help. They wouldn't know how it feels like to have someone leave you for no reason.

Redskies, I'm glad that at least one person knows how I feel, at least they don't think I'm pathetic. I don't quite understand your advice. Do you mean start paying attention to my surroundings? It's not really something I want to do...my family environment isn't very good. People at school are just that, they're just classmates.

I just really feel empty inside. Like a big hole is missing. I've really never thought that one could really feel their heart hurting. Redskies, thank you for sharing that with me and knowing someone can relate. I wish I could get that back, my old life. I wish to just disappear, away from this city so I won't have to see him or deal with it anymore. But I'm lost and every time I try, I fall back down again to the point where I can't do it anymore. I want to try but it keeps going back to point zero.

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Redskies
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Peachie, I'm glad that me seeming to relate a bit is helpful to you.

I'm sorry that I wasn't quite clear. I think that what the advice is about is: when we're feeling like this, feelings of distress that we're not who we used to be and that we can't engage with people as we used to can be added to the mix. I think the idea is to take that stress away, to just accept how we are right now. For example, we don't have to be able to think about or respond to what someone in class says, we just have to listen. We also don't have to use energy to pretend that we're like we used to be. It's ok if you don't find this helpful to you: we're all different and need different things.

I'm sorry to hear that your family isn't the most supportive place for you. I do understand that it's tough when something rough is going on and our family isn't a good place.

Considering your friends for a moment. Do you remember any of them ever being upset over a break-up? Would you usually feel able to go to any of them for support?

I think that very, very few people truly understood what I was feeling. What I discovered, though, was that it wasn't actually necessary for them to understand to be helpful to me. People didn't know what to say to me to help me, but what did really matter was a few people showing real care that I was going through a tough time. A few friends would meet me for a chat or a coffee, and others invited me for dinner and a tv-watching session every week. They didn't expect me to be "good company" or cheerful, they simply wanted to offer another human being kindness. That kindness really made all the difference to me - if got me through.

Whether you think they understand or not, are there people in your life who you think would offer you kindness?

I'm happy to go on talking with you about how you feel, if you want that. From what you write, though, it sounds like you're also looking for ways that can make this more bearable. Do you feel able to address the points that Heather made above? Your thoughts on those things would provide a starting point for us (well, probably mostly Heather, really [Smile] ) to figure out how best to help you and what best to suggest to you.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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peachie764
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I apologize for the late reply. I have been down with the flu for the past few days.

My friends have luckily been with the same person that they met in high school. So I don't think they know how I feel. I used to be able to talk to one of them about a lot of things but since post-secondary, we see each other once every few months and it's been harder for me to confide in her because of the gap. I don't feel the support that I should get from my other friends. I think part of it is because they don't understand. We talked about it once, and one of them just kept saying, 'I don't know' to a lot of things I said. He wasn't helpful at all..almost as if he didn't care. I don't want to drag my friends into this since it seems like they don't care and all I would be doing is further troubling them.

I think you are the closest to understanding how I feel and I'm really happy even if it's just online that I can talk to someone who can relate and support me..because no one else does from what I see.

I saw a counsellor a few times at school for previous issues and the problem is, we don't get to choose who we want to see. There's a pool of them and they just assign us to whoever is free. I requested to speak with the first one but they said each student has their record and everything said is written down so each counsellor would be able to "catch up" and "know" what happened in previous appointments.

About seeing a physician, I'm actually pretty afraid. I learned from my mom a few days ago that my aunt is going through a severe stage of depression. She went on medication for about a year and just got off about 2 weeks ago. Now she's right back to taking them and she completely fell apart again. I'm afraid of relying on medication in order to feel better. I want to do it naturally if there's even such a thing. But the only problem is I don't know where to start.

Is it possible for me to talk to you, Redskies, in private? I don't necessarily want to spill the rest of my life's details here.

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Saffron Raymie
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Hello Peachie; I'm afraid we don't allow users to people at the boards to contact each other privately; which is about trying to keep young people safe from those who might not be. However, it always sucks when we get a situation like this; two genuine people who want to support each other. So sorry about that.

I'm also sorry the people around you don't understand. That definately makes it way harder, as you know.

I absolutely don't think you're being pathetic at all; and I can assure you; nobody at Scarleteen will. We know that break-ups are incredibly painful and very difficult to heal from, and that healing takes a long, long time. When we experience is grief; grieving over a relationship we had before that's no longer there. Grief is a process - a difficult process.

It's okay to grieve, and it's okay to cry. We're all hear to listen, and we all understand. Break-ups are heartrending. My first relationship was only six months long; but it took me two years to be able to enjoy my life again afterwards; I felt like the whole world had gone grey; and that nothing fun or exciting would ever happen in my life again.

I'm so sorry you're going through this awful time and I second what Redskies said; heartbreak can't last forever. Are you taking the time to nurse yourself back to health; doing the things that usually help you feel a little better?

[ 03-05-2012, 11:16 AM: Message edited by: Saffron Reimi ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Redskies
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Peachie, obviously it's up to you how much personal stuff you feel comfortable putting on the internet, but it can be worth remembering that so long as you're using a handle that you don't use anywhere else, and don't put any identifying details in, no-one knows that "peachie" here is "your usual name/identity". And there's quite a lot of personal thoughts and feelings from a good number of us over these boards, so if you wanted to do that, you'd be in good company here [Smile]

I'm very sorry to hear of how the counselling system at your school works. I'm not an expert, but to my knowledge, that sounds a very poor way to run it indeed and not a way that's likely to serve the majority of service users well. Usually, part of counselling is enabling a user to build up a relationship with the counsellor they see. With what you said about them taking notes, I'm not sure if that part is a problem to you, but if it does concern you, I'll let you know that it's common or usual for a counsellor to take notes, even when we see the same one all the time (though they often won't take notes while we're actually talking). Services usually have a very strict policy about who those notes may or may not be shared with, and often (but not always), the policy is that the notes will not be available at all to anyone outside the counselling service (for example, not available to any other person or department in a college or university). We can always ask about a service's confidentiality policy.

Do you feel that having a counsellor to talk to, if it was a better fit for you than this system, would be beneficial for you?

You can know that your friends not having experienced break-ups is actually, overall, pretty unusual. Most people have, and are usually willing to offer compassion and kindness, even if they don't understand the kind of break-up that you're talking about. Aside from the group of friends you're thinking of, are there other people in your life who might offer kindness? They don't have to be particularly personally close to you at the moment - it's ok to reach out to people in situations like this. I'm sorry to hear that this group of friends has been unable to help you much.

What about the friend who you don't see so much now? I know it can feel uncertain in those circumstances, but it's ok to make contact again when we need someone. Often, people are happy to be needed and happy to have the chance to be a good friend. How would you feel about calling her and saying that you're having a rough time over this break-up and need someone to talk to sometimes?

(I was going to address what you said about physicians, etc, but I have to go, so I'll come back to that later.)

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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peachie764
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Before it didn't sound so stupid but now when I say and think about it, it does. My boyfriend was that release for me when I was upset. He was the one who I talked to and supported me because we've known each other for so long. I felt comfortable talking to him and in a way, venting out my frustrations and just having him listen was enough to let my being upset subdue. So now that he's gone, I feel like everything is gone as well. I know it really isn't but in the end my emotions keep reflecting that no matter how much I want it to stop.

Even before I met him, I'm usually the type to keep things to myself. I don't like to involve others in my own problems and I shouldn't but I put the blame on my family. Growing up was difficult as I was in a single-parent family and the parent was rarely around because they had to support the family. Often, I was alone when I came home from school and on the weekends. my older sibling had to help out too. That led to my being quiet and rather reserved, even until today.

Seeing that he's moved on with his life makes me sad. He seems so happy that he got rid of me, so in a sense that reflected on my mental state at the beginning of the break up. Hence the temptations to run away or have thoughts of suicide. Though I know now and the past few months he's not worth doing that.

I honestly don't know how I would feel talking to a counsellor. I know for sure I'd completely breakdown in front of them regarding the whole break up issue. It feels a bit easier for me to type up my feelings on this forum than to actually have a session face-to-face with someone. I wouldn't have to feel the embarassment of crying in front of others.

I guess my friends are lucky that they get along with their partners so well compared to me. I was hoping to reach out to people here on the forum because it's easier for me. I don't want to feel like I'm wasting my friends' time or bothering them because it's their last year of school as well. I know they're really busy with school and their own problems in life. I'm not very close with a lot of people and this ties back in with my family and childhood I mentioned earlier.

I think this would be one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with in my life and the problem is I don't know how to handle it. I know I'm still young but this is a huge roadblock for me and I don't know how to move forward.

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Redskies
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Further to my post just above.

Peachie, you said you were afraid about seeing a physician. That's not an uncommon reaction, but I think it might be helpful to look at the ways that it's not quite a sound reaction.

I'm sorry to hear that your aunt is unwell. I know that depression is often a very difficult thing both for the person with depression and for those around them and who care about them. It sounds like your aunt's relapse is causing you some concern about your own situation, though, and I don't think that's quite sound. For a start, we can't know much about one person's mental health or illness from any other person's, even someone related. Anything that is happening or has happened with your aunt doesn't give you good information about anything that may or may not happen with you.

I'm wondering where your concern about "relying on medication" comes from. Do you have any history of taking medication, or are you thinking of someone who does? Unless there's a valid medical concern about the possibility of addiction to a particular drug, usually, concerns about becoming reliant on medication aren't sound. Those kinds of concerns mostly seem to arise around treatment for mental health concerns. There shouldn't be any bigger deal about someone taking medication for their mental health than for their physical health. Whether some major trauma or distress has caused our brain chemistry to go a bit kooky, or our brain chemistry just isn't set to work in a way that's good for our well-being, it should be ok for us to have relevant treatment for that in just the same way that someone with an infection may be offered antibiotics or someone with diabetes may be offered insulin. People can have all sorts of very valid not-fun feelings about needing to take medication, particularly long-term or permanently, but we don't tend to see concerns about, for example, someone with diabetes being "reliant" on insulin. We tend to see this more as something that gives more health when the body doesn't quite produce what it needs itself.

It's worth remembering, too, that there are other ways than medication that a physician might approach any concern about mental health.

In terms of ways that we can help ourselves, there are a few basics that usually contribute to our mental well-being. Those things include getting enough sleep, at reasonably regular times; eating enough, and vaguely healthily, several times a day; and getting some kind of physical activity. How have you been with those things?

Also, Heather asked too about any academic support at your school, as you mentioned your grades. Does your school have anyone assigned to help or advise people or provide support about their academic situation when they have personal difficulties, or is there a professor that you could consider talking to?

I'm wondering what you think of the suggestion that you try not to look up your ex so often on Facebook. I know that whenever I looked mine up, it was monumentally hard on me, and made things harder generally for a few days after each time. Even though I no longer miss the relationship, it would still hurt me now, if I looked him up, so I know that these things can be very powerful.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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Redskies
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(Peachie, our posts crossed and I hadn't seen yours when I posted mine.)

It doesn't sound stupid to me. Of course it will feel like a huge change when the person who you looked to for support the most isn't there any more, and of course that will feel like a very hard thing indeed.

I'm hearing that in your childhood, you didn't have much opportunity to lean on others for support and to learn to feel safe asking for support. Do I have that right? If I do, do you remember being actively discouraged from asking for help, or was it that you felt you simply had to manage things yourself, or something else?

I had a gentle smile of recognition when I read you saying about not wanting to bother people or waste their time, and that they have problems too; it sounded a little like something I might have said a while back. Now, I understand a lot better about the inter-connectedness of people, that life is kind of this big complex multi-way exchange of assistance and knowledge all around. Humans get guidance from other humans about Everything, big and small. We'd all be on a fast river without paddle or oars without it. It's a multi-way continuous ebb and flow, and each person sometimes needs more and other times can give more. People tried to explain that kind of thing a gazillion times to me, but somehow it took me a really long time to understand that I Can ask things of other people, and that equally I can give a lot to people too. I know for me personally, I didn't have the chance to learn that in childhood, so it's been a very slow learning curve now instead. I'm not finished yet, but I've really got somewhere.

It can be particularly hard to figure out how to ask for support from others when we're already having a hard time. I think it's worth remembering, though, that you're writing here, and asking for help here - you're doing a bit of it already.

In terms of moving forward, I think that the very first step in that is stopping looking him up on Facebook, or anywhere else (sorry to repeat that point if you've already done it). The reason for that is that whenever you look him up, you're taking yourself back to "peachie-in-that-relationship", and as sad and as hard as it is, "peachie-in-that-relationship" doesn't have anywhere to move forward To, because that relationship has ended. Moving forward, you are "peachie", as scary and lonely as that might be to start with, and you need the space to begin to figure out who peachie is and what peachie wants. We can look at what might be good for peachie when you've drawn that line for yourself.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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peachie764
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Currently, I'm not really sleeping well at night. And this sounds hard to believe, but if I do, I have nightmares/dreams about him. I don't know why. Even in my sleep, my subconscious can't let him go..honestly, I really miss him a lot. But it bugs me that he even haunts me in my dreams. So that's why I want to be able to find a way to forget and move on. I think I'm eating properly.

I haven't really looked into talking with a school adviser about my situation. In a way, I'm not too fond of my school because of past experiences with rude employees and their stupid counselling system.

I've been trying not to look at his Facebook the past week. It's hard because he still keeps the pictures of the two of us from trips and events on there and it gives me a sense of false hope that maybe it could work out. I don't know why he hasn't removed them.

And yes, you do have it correct. I didn't want to ask anyone for help because they were always busy and I always on my own so I tried to deal with my own problems. Usually I could, but this one has gotten so big that I don't know how to handle it. I felt like I had to do it on my own. I didn't really have any other choice.

I think that the fact I'm asking for help, not in person, but even on this forum is a big step for me. I usually don't like to ask for help and even with him, I usually vent out my frustration and that would be it. I'm very grateful for your help as well as Heather's and Saffron's. I'm not really ready yet to ask my family or my friends for help.

Along the way somewhere, I think I lost a sense of who I am. I really don't know what makes me happy or what can make me move on. And I need a big push from someone to help me go back on my way because I'm lost.

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Redskies
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Peachie, I'm sorry I haven't been able to post here for a few days. How are you doing?

I can well understand that the dreams would be unpleasant. If it helps you to think of it this way, I think that dreams can be one way that our minds try to process something. It will pass with time. I don't think that it's forgetting, exactly, but I think you're right that a process of moving on would help the dreams to ease up too.

It's good to hear that you're trying to avoid the whole looking-up-on-facebook thing. How's that going? I think it's worth remembering that different people have different reactions to a situation and experience things in different ways, so him still having pictures up doesn't mean anything in particular. You and he have experienced this break-up differently, so it's to be expected that you would respond in different ways and need different things. I think that you making gradual progress to being less involved in thinking about why he is and isn't doing things would be a healthy thing for you. It's hard, but the person for you to focus on now is you, not him.

I think it would be a great idea to just take a moment and really take note of the big step forward you made, asking for help here. Breaking our previous patterns is a really challenging thing to do; go you [Smile] And I hope that you can take a moment, too, to just take in the feeling that none of us here think that you should be having to manage this by yourself; you are welcome and you're heard. Know, too, that even if it seems a bit too much right now, whenever you feel ready to ask other people for help when you need it, that's ok. You have a right to ask and get help when you need it. I know from experience that learning how to do that and how to feel able to do that is a learning process, and that's ok too.

Ok, so I'm hearing from you that re-finding Peachie would be a great move forward. You've experienced a loss, and a major life change, and sometimes one thing we can have from that is just feeling a hole where that thing was. Now is the time to make deliberate, positive changes to your life, to introduce new things. Some people do well with this by thinking big and radical from the start - "a whole new you/new life" type effect; some people feel a bit raw and tender, and need to approach this gently in whatever small ways they can manage.

Is there anything that you think you'd be interested in that you've never really explored before? Anything that you used to enjoy but haven't done in a long time? It can be anything, really: doing a sport, reading a particular kind of book, creative activities, practical activities, changing your look or style, working or volunteering with animals... If you think you might be more in the "raw and tender" category, you can start really small: it could be something as simple as watching a new tv programme, eating a new food, or reading a blog on a new topic. What do you think - any ideas? Also, if you really don't feel like you can do that at all, do say so, because then we should address that.

Something that occurs to me from what you said about the break-up is that you might feel like it's quite unresolved for you personally? If you do, I tend to think that it can be very helpful to have an outlet for those. People have very different methods: some write their feelings down in a journal or express it in other creative ways like music, art, or dance; mending things, building things, cooking things; some people find it helpful to get quite physical, either via sport, the gym, walking or running, or perhaps buying an inflatable punchbag... Do you think having an outlet for your feelings would help you?

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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WesLuck
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I think Heather, Saffron, Redskies and you are fantastic people, you're in a pretty elite club here! And Peachie, I don't mean that condescendingly - I think all in the club (and also lots of others too!) are all fantastic people. So add me to the quickly growing list of those who think you are great and are doing a great job and most importantly, being just who you are! [Smile]

[ 03-15-2012, 08:09 AM: Message edited by: WesLuck ]

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peachie764
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Sorry for my late reply again. It's a pretty hectic month for me in terms of school.

I'm still struggling with the Facebook lookup. I try very hard, and a few times I gave in. It is like a false hope with the pictures. I don't know what it is I miss...whether it's him or being in a relationship. I am trying hard not to think about him anymore. It comes and goes like my mind would randomly like to think about him and make me upset.

I was hoping I can do some gardening. I haven't done that since I was a kid. I used it to enjoy it when I was little, so it's an experiment to see if I still do. I do enjoy playing with animals and seeing them but unfortunately, my building does not allow them. I'm confused as to what I enjoy, what I like, or even what I want to do. Before, everything was about him, doing everything together. Now I'm starting with a blank canvas and I've lost my identity. I will try gardening once the weather gets better and let you know how I do with that.

I'm not over the breakup and it's still very difficult and fresh in my mind. It was completely unexpected and I don't know how to handle it. The feeling of wanting to marry that perosn one day and the next thing you know, they just pack up and leave, it really feels like a stab in the heart. I can try to find a release. I haven't given it much thought because of school recently.

I will try to update you on my progress. It'll be difficult because of school but I'll try to.

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moonlight bouncing off water
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quote:
Originally posted by peachie764:
I'm confused as to what I enjoy, what I like, or even what I want to do. Before, everything was about him, doing everything together. Now I'm starting with a blank canvas and I've lost my identity. I will try gardening once the weather gets better and let you know how I do with that.

I know that exact feeling because that is how I felt after my break up with my ex. But don't stress about figuring out what you like to do, it'll just happen. The beauty of it is that you get to figure yourself out, you get to figure out what you like. If rather than dwelling on figuring out what the heck it is that you enjoy, you just jump start figuring it with doing stuff you're pretty sure you like (like gardening), it can be a ton of fun. One of the most amazing things I found post-break-up was that I had so much time for myself. It can be so, so fun to get to figure out who you are again, to regain your identity. And as per still missing him or the relationship, the saying time heals all wounds really does apply here, if you give your self time away from anything that reminds you of him, you really will get over him eventually (IMO at least).

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Saffron Raymie
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You know, Peachie, it's pretty common to feel like we've lost our identity when a relationship ends. We tend to feel incredibly lost, like a blank canvas, as you said. Healing can be a path to rediscovering or creating ourselves, if you know what I mean?

I really hope you're feeling a little better, we're here for you.

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Redskies
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Co-signing what Moonlight and Ray have said.

With the Facebook thing, I think, just do the best you can, and head in the right general direction of looking at it less frequently all the time. I do believe that it's probably healthiest if we can stop looking altogether, but I was one of the people who needed a lot of time to get to that point, so I do understand.

I think the gardening sounds like a great idea of somewhere to start. It's ok that you don't feel sure about what you might like - I think discovering all of that is a process. It can be very confusing and overwhelming, particularly in the earlier stages, but as time goes on, it can come to feel like an opportunity too.

I understand what you mean about not being over it. Frankly, it's still only been a few months, and I wouldn't expect you to be over it yet. You describe well and succinctly the sort of feeling I recognise and remember of experiencing this as a massive life-change. It's completely changed your picture of your future - of course it's going to take some time for you to come to terms with that, and then to build a new picture.

One thing I can suggest to you. It can help some people to set aside some time each day, maybe 30 minutes, an hour, where they can think about how they feel, think about the relationship, maybe get angry, get sad, maybe have a cry. The rest of the time, don't allow yourself to focus on it - think about something else, do something else. That kind of balance can help some people to move on while still taking the time they need to have their thoughts and feelings and process what happened. We also don't have to feel bad about thinking about it in that time, because that's our "allowed" time.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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peachie764
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Sorry I've been MIA. I have been studying for finals.

I've actually tried out your suggestion, RedSkies, about writing down my feelings. In a way, it was more of a letter to myself, saying that I need to let go. I wrote about everything from the past 4 years with him; all the good and bad times. At one point when I was writing, I started to get mad rather than upset and sad. I did have a hard time writing it, but I think I realized at some point during the last year, he never treated me right. I think it did help me a little bit in this recovery process.

With Facebook, I've been trying to stop looking. I know it's going to take me a while but I'm trying. I understand it's not healthy because it doesn't mean anything that he has the pictures and it shouldn't. But for me it is still difficult to let go of that 'what if?'.

I recently bought a cute little plant and I've been taking care of it. Seeing it grow a bit each day makes me happy. I don't know why, but it calms me whenever I see it.

I'm not sure if I'm slowly becoming the old me again but I certainly feel like I have gone from a 3 to a 5 or 6 (10 being, I feel great and happy). It's a stepping stone process for me. And I'm glad that I could talk to the people on the forum about this. It's nice to know there's support.

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WesLuck
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Great! Nurturing activities are good for all people! [Smile] No matter what gender group we have been "assigned" to (we know this as the words "male" and "female", and "men" and "women" [Razz] , but they are still social and socio-political constructs [Wink] ) I think all of us feel better about ourselves and the world we live in, when we take care of other beings, whether, they be plants, pets, other people, or even having pride in your place of residence like a house or unit and like inviting your friends over!

Take the time you need to process and heal and grow after this tremendous life change. And Scarleteen will be here. [Smile]

[ 04-14-2012, 04:29 AM: Message edited by: WesLuck ]

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Redskies
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Hi Peachie, no worries about not writing for a while, I know that life can get busy. Hope that the studying's going ok for you.

It sounds like you're doing really well at making positive steps for yourself. That's a tough thing to do, so seriously, well done. And I like growing things too [Smile] I'm glad that some of the things you've done have seemed helpful to you, and really glad that you're feeling better than you were.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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peachie764
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Hi everyone,

Thank you for your continuing support! I think I am doing much better now. It still crosses my mind once in a while but I've stopped crying about it or very rarely do I shed tears now. So I believe I'm on the road to recovery. Slowly, but progressing!

I think writing the letter and taking care of my orchid really helped out. It cheers me up when I see the little plant blooming.

I still have one last final this week. Hoping it goes well! Will update soon. Thanks everyone for their encouragement and support [Smile]

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Redskies
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peachie, that's great, really pleased for you. You've shown a lot of strength to get yourself here, you know?

All the best with that final!

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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