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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Need a bit of advice :/

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Author Topic: Need a bit of advice :/
Frenchiex
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Ok so the deal is...my boyfriend has mentioned to me a couple of times he'd like to do it without a condom. I'm already on the pill so I've been using both with him and hes said if we ever did it he'd withdraw so there wouldn't be much in me. The problem is I've never done that before because I really don't want to get pregnant. He did it a couple of times with his ex and nothing happened and she didnt get pregnant, I do know the pill works but I've always used both because then if one fails I've got the other as a backup. One of my sisters have always used the pill and condoms and has always said to me always use a condom, my other sister on the other hand changed sometimes from using both to just using condoms or just using the pill and shes never got pregnant. I really dont know what to do. I love my boyfriend and he loves me, he is the sweetest guy in the world and has never pressurised me but he has hinted a couple of times. I'd like to try it one day but i dont know if I'll be able to trust the pill enough... because I'm such a worry head.. I'm thinking what if we do and i have a massive panic attack afterwards? Do you think im also more concerned about pregnancy because im young, im 17, would waiting until i was say 20 be better? What do you think? :/

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T.T.French

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Heather
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Since you're on the pill, how about we start with assessing the more likely risk here, which is the risk of sexually transmitted infections. Has your boyfriend ever been tested for the ones he can be tested for? (Bear in mind, he can't be tested for HPV, so that one will always be a question mark, and condoms offer around 70% protection from that, so going without them is a pretty big deal with that infection alone.)

Also, as I recall, you yourself were diagnosed with an STI a little while back, one that's treatable, but not curable: have you two talked about what going without condoms means around that for him?

Also, I hear *you* saying you'd feel better sticking with condoms and the pill for a while. That alone is reason to stick with this.

We can love someone like crazy, but that doesn't mean that we're somehow doing them wrong or not fully loving them by not doing every sexual thing they want. People who love each other not only still get to have limits and boundaries, sexual or otherwise, and healthy relationships actually need them. [Smile]

[ 10-16-2012, 01:49 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Frenchiex
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With the STI it turned out he didnt have herpes type 2 he had type and gave me oral sex when he felt a coldsore coming but he thought it was only a spot which is where it came from and im unlikely to get any reaccurances again because it was type 1 and not type 2 [Smile]
He hasnt got any other STI's, and i couldnt really give him anything without shedding or syptoms.

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T.T.French

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Frenchiex
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But what about the pill?

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T.T.French

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Heather
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So, both of you have recently been tested for all the STIs you can be tested for?

(I ask that because often, when people say someone doesn't have any STIs, they often haven't been tested or recently tested to know that. And obviously, it sounds like already you may have suffered a consequence of having unprotected oral sex with the Herpes, so.)

I mean, regardless, though, I hear YOU saying going without condoms isn't something you feel good about doing right now. Right? If so, that's more than reason enough to stick with them

[ 10-16-2012, 02:50 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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What do you mean, what about the pill? Not sure what you're asking.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Frenchiex
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His previous relationship was his first sexual relationship as was my previous relationship. All four people involved were virgins and ive been tested for chlamydiae and got it back negative. What else do you think we should be tested for considering this?

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T.T.French

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Frenchiex
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Ok yeah.... I think you're right... stick with condoms for now... thank you [Smile]

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T.T.French

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Heather
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Well, since he has had one partner before you, then he'd need to have a full STI panel, not just a test for chlamydia. Same goes for you.

Whether or not someone was a virgin, that's not a criteria that's used or sound to use with sexual health. Especially given how dishonest some people can be and the face that 'virgin" can mean everything from "never been kissed," to "everything besides vaginal intercourse."

It sounds like neither of you have yet had a full screening, if I have this right, in which case, save what infections you have been tested for, each of your STI status isn't something known yet.

So, if nothing else, I'd suggest that even with still using condoms, the two of you get current with those tests, and that you table the talk of ditching safer sex until then, even if you do decide you feel better about an increased pregnancy risk than you do now.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Frenchiex
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Shall i just go to my local family planning clinic and ask for a test for everything? Im not sure if they have all those tests that you can take home.. like i said the only one they gave me before was the chylmidia one.

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T.T.French

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Heather
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Yeah, you can only home-test, usually for Chlamydia and sometimes HIV. Everything else a clinician needs to do.

Who both of you can see is just your local GUM clinic. If you're not sure where that is, you can ask the clinic you already go to to direct you. In terms of which tests to get, they'll just ask you, usually, what sexual activities (eg, vaginal intercourse, oral sex, etc.) you have participated in to figure out what you need to be tested for. But since both of you have already had two partners for intercourse, it sounds like, what they'll usually recommend is a full panel, since you've potentially been exposed to all STIs via that activity alone.

One nice thing about going somewhere you both can get tested is that than a) you both have some moral support, and b) you can make a nice day of it, doing something nice together afterwards. It also is, IMO, a pretty cool thing to do as a couple.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Frenchiex
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Ok... there's so much stuff they dont tell you about sex ed over here :/ like how you can still get herpes through oral sex! Or that there were two types... they dont tell you anything. Or the fact that you can still be at risk even if youre previous partners were virgins... that kinda means you're ok over here... OK GUM Clinic... cool thank you [Big Grin]

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T.T.French

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Heather
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Alas, it's pretty much everywhere where very few people get comprehensive information without seeking it out themselves. [Frown]

The thing with previous partners, again, is that "virgin" is a word that's a lot like the word "god." What it means to one person can be radically different than another. And again, a lot of people don't feel able to be honest about their sexual histories. So, a lot of people make assumptions about that -- and wishful thinking is probably part of the picture -- but it's those assumptions which tend to get people into trouble. That's why those of us in sexual health services and education simply advise that everyone use safer sex practices for all and any oral, vaginal or anal sex until at least six months of sexual exclusivity AND at least one full STI panel after that time period for each person involved.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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