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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Worried I am making someone miserable

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Author Topic: Worried I am making someone miserable
Member # 38767

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I am worried I am making someone miserable, or that I am going to. I am seeing a guy who is really kind and caring and seems to think I am wonderful. There are a lot of things I like about him, but I feel like deep down my heart isn’t really in it. I know that he wants us to have a serious relationship, and I don’t think that is what I want. I have explained that, and he seems to accept it, but I am still afraid that I am going to really hurt him and I wonder whether I should stop seeing him anyway.

So far in my life, the people I have been in relationships with or wanted to be in relationships with have been people I have previously been good friends with, who I gradually fell for. And I really fall for them- when it happens it feels like there’s no-one I’d rather spend time with, I think they are perfect for me, I tend to wish I could be more like them, and if I actually end up in a relationship with them I feel incredibly lucky, like they are far too good for me.

I don’t feel like that about this guy, and so I feel like there is something missing. He isn’t someone I was friends with first- I hooked up with him at a party a month or two ago, and have been seeing him a lot ever since. He also seems quite shy, not as confident and extroverted as the people I am usually attracted to, a bit geeky (in a nice way). I didn’t know if I wanted to see him again, but I kept thinking about him when I didn’t. I like spending lots of time with him, and he is really good to me, and makes me feel happy, but I’m not crazy about him like I’d want to be. I see things I don’t like about him as well as things I do, and I often feel like I’d prefer to see my friends instead of him (so I do).

I have told him (and all this is exactly true) that I am confused about how I feel, still in love with somebody else, and not able to commit- that I’m not his girlfriend, and I can’t be; and he says that that’s all OK with him, even though from things he’s said I’m pretty sure he would prefer to be in a more serious relationship. But while I say I’m not serious, I can’t help acting like a girlfriend, because often when I’m with him that’s what I want to do. I mean things like going out for meals or walks, or having really intimate conversations*, or being really affectionate and cuddly, or dancing round to 80s music in our pyjamas. I partly want to do this stuff with him because I like him; I also think that I haven’t had a boyfriend in a long time, and have just missed having someone to do those kinds of things with. But sometimes it makes me feel a bit sad thinking of how much better it would be if I was doing them with someone I was really in love with (not always, but often, a specfic person who I am in love with, but can’t be with for various good reasons).

Anyway—he says this is OK with him, but I feel like it might not be, really, like he is putting up with a situation he doesn’t really like and waiting for me to feel different—but I know there is a good chance I won’t. I feel like he is in a bit of a vulnerable position. That’s usually me, so I know how it feels. I guess there is a part of me that is enjoying not being in that position for once, but I am not enjoying the idea that I might hurt somebody.

My friends are all telling me to relax and just go with it, because I think they like seeing me with someone at last (especially someone so nice), but I am worried about him. Perhaps it would be dumb to stop seeing someone for not liking them enough when I do like him quite a lot; but perhaps I am just being selfish because it’s nice having someone to cuddle in the evenings until something better comes along. I feel it’s likely the right thing to do would be to stop seeing him, but I know I’ll really miss him.

Sorry this is so long! If anyone wanted to give advice I thought it would be helpful to describe exactly how things are in all their confusing detail.

*We have had various issues with sex, which I posted about earlier, but they are improving, and it has felt really good to work through this stuff and help him get more confidence—though perhaps I am going to mess all of that up now.

Posts: 12 | From: London, England | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jacob at Scarleteen
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 66249

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Hey beehive,

What I'm reading here is maybe a conflict between what it seems you actually want and are enjoying in this relationship, and how you want to categorise the relationship as non-serious.

I'm not sure, to be honest, that we can actually divide relationships up like that.

I think that it's great that you've told him exactly what it is you don't want from this relationship (to be called a gf etc).

I think it might actually be better perhaps just to focus on the individual things about the relationship you want and the ones which you don't both want. It seems to me from what you're saying that you're both enjoying the stuff you're doing together.

I don't think doing any of that stuff will automatically change the relationship into something it's not, especially when you've stated what you don't want it to be.

It doesn't seem to me that you're making him miserable, if he is happy now enjoying the parts of the relationship which for you are on the table. Dancing in pyjamas to 80s pop sounds like it's working out pretty well for both of you!

But if actually spending this much time together when you think about it, is something you don't feel comfortable with, and something you're not enjoying because of it's significance for you, I think you just need to consider this as one more factor, and if you like you could talk about scaling back the relationship to something you both feel more comfortable with.

Posts: 694 | From: Leeds UK | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 27731

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Couple of questions:
Are you happy when you are with him?
Is he happy when he is with you?
If the answer is yes to both, which from what I read seems to be what you'd answer, then enjoy your time together.
The way I see it could be best explained by a quote from Lord Alfred Tennyson:
"'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."
Not everyone would agree with that of course but that is how I see it. I'm in love with a lady who I used to be friends with though now I'm pretty much invisible to and if I could have even half of what he has with you with her I'd take it happily and accept any pain that occured when she ended it. Of course, that is probably because all I want is to spend time with her.
Anyway, it is your choice. I say that as long as you are remain clear about things and both of you enjoy your time together then there really isn't any reason to stop it at this point.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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