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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » learning to trust

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Author Topic: learning to trust
eastbyfurthereast
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Member # 59138

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Hi Everyone,

As long as I can remember I've always had trust issues. I don't really know where it stemmed from but I was horribly shy as a child and wouldn't talk to anyone I didn't know well, I got over this a little bit as I got older and started making more friends that I liked and trusted. The trust issues didn't really affect me a whole lot through middle school and high school. I started dating my first real boyfriend in grade 11, after a year we went through a really messy break up. We broke up for a week because he wanted to be with someone else, he apologized we got back together with boundaries, he went through some serious depression issues and cheated on me, I ended it. It was rough. It made it really hard for me to trust men. I started dating my most recent ex about a year after that, and it started really casually and gradually grew into a trusting relationship. He had never done anything to question my trust in him, but around the 9 month mark when things had gotten rough with my ex from high school, I began to get paranoid and distant. We made it through at just broke up this summer after 4 and a half years of dating. During that time I had overcome any trust issues with him, trusted him completely, and actually enjoyed being in a serious relationship. Since them I've been working really hard on being more willing to trust in all of my relationsips. With my friendships the experiences have been positive but not so much with my work and romantic relationships.

A few months after the break up I started to see this other guy. He wanted to sleep together but it was way to soon. I told him, got pretty upset talking about the break up. He said it was fine and that he would call again but he never did. I understand that's a lot of emotion for a casual relationship but I don't see why he had to lie...

In January I started seeing another guy and it seemed great. We got along really well, were attracted to each other, and had both recently gotten out of a serious relationship so both wanted to take things slowly and keep things casual. We had really great communication, talked about some of the problems with sexual pain I've had, hooked up a few times, then he stopped being interested in hanging out. He would still text a lot and be friendly, but whenever I asked to hang out he was always busy. I asked him if everything was ok and he said everything was fine. A couple weeks after that he asked to come over and never came. When I asked what was up he said he just felt there was no chemistry. We were not the most sexually compatable, but he also didn't give it much of a chance, and drew thigns out over a month with mixed signals. About a week after that he sent me a text apologizing and saying that he just felt I never was very comfortable around him. I'm still kind of confused about the whole thing, and had planned to swear of guys for a couple months after that, but then last weekend I met a guy, and without planning on it felt a strong connection to him and am really into him.

At first he texted me a lot (almost too much) and would ask to hang out. It's been a little over a week now and he texts me just slightly less, we also slept together a couple days ago- and it was great, and from what I can tell he thought so as well. I just find myself getting paranoid now and feeling needy. I'm not sure why, I have a lot going on with work and school right now, and have a lot of friends I want to spend time with before I leave for the summer so its not like I feel I need another relationship in my life, I'm just extremely sexually attracted to him and would like to have some kind of relationship. Logically I know he hasn't done anything wrong, and I'm glad he doesn't text me every hour, because i found that overbearing at first, but then it makes me wonder what has changed that he stopped that. I also made a big effort to trust the last guy when he said nothing was wrong even though my gut told me otherwise and my gut turned out to be right.

So I guess first I'm wondering if I sound crazy about this new guy, and I should stop worrying and see where things go, or if it seems like he's not interested anymore. It just seems like everytime I try to be more trusting I trust the wrong people, and I really don't want to be hurt again. But I also really like this guy and want to give it a chance. And I really don't want the all or nothing attitude I've had with trust before where if I feel like something could be wrong I close myself off completely to avoid getting hurt, but it's hard to trust with so many bad experiences.

Just really lost right now...

Posts: 21 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

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Welcome to Scarleteen, eastbyfurthereast.

I'm sorry your first partner chose to disrespect and break your relationship agreements.

Can I just check in with you about how your healing from this hurt went? Did you give yourself plenty of time and space to love yourself and grieve before entering into a new relationship?

How about after the other times you were hurt?

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
eastbyfurthereast
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Member # 59138

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Hi Saffron,

I did take enough time to heal after the first relationship. It was definitely hard to trust even after I felt healed, but I felt able to try again, and did not still feel hung up on the earlier relationship.

For the more recent time the relationship was only about 6 weeks long, and it's been about a month since then. I think it was just particularly hurtful because I made a very conscious effort to trust what he said and it ended up being wrong, even though we had had some great communication about sex and our relationship.

It almost feels like this new relationship is about to follow the last one, and I'm not really sure what I'm doing or why this is happening, they are almost opposite in terms of personality type so I don't think I'm being drawn to a certain type. They just seem really interested at first, and then still text and seem interested but aren't willing to make time to hang out. I also have felt in both of the most recent situations that I needed to have a chat to clear things up with them (in the first one about sexual compatibility and in the current one about what we are both looking for from this relationship) and in the first time I never got the chance to discuss because he was never free again, and I'm worried this might be happening in the current relationship too, I just don't think it's a conversation I can have over text, and it could be causing some of his withdrawl if is making assumptions about what I want.

To make matters worse I was in a sexual situation with someone last night where I was not fully consenting and i've been very upset all day- stayed home from school and work. It's especially hard because we have a lot of mutual friends and there is already so much gossip I don't want to start more, and I feel bad because I wasn't a great communicator and didn't tell him I was upset about what happened so I'm not even sure if he thinks he did anything wrong or knows how upset and violated I feel.

I'm not sure what the best steps in either situation are.

Posts: 21 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

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I'm so sorry you've had to wait with this, eastbyfurthereast.

I'm also sorry you've been through an experience that wasn't fully consensual. Would you like to say a little more about that? What happened?

Per the gossip; it's always okay to ask our friends not to talk about something as private as our sexual lives. Do you think that's something you could do?

To address your concern about not being about to have a proper talk with a partner because they aren't ever making time for you, the best thing to do is ask to see them as soon as you feel communication is needed. If they won't give you that meeting you need anytime soon, then it's just time to get gone in my book - to end the relationship on something like Skype if you use it or a phonecall if they won't see you without good reason.

You know, when we're young, it's common for relationships to only last a few months, and even more commonly for a few weeks. So, I think looking to find fault with youself for your relations ending and the choices your partners choose to make themselves really isn't helpful to you at all, if you know what I mean?

Did you ever have any counselling to talk out the hurt you've been through? Did you talk it out with friends or family?

With your second relationship - after the one who broke his relationship agreements with you - as you've said, it sounds like it was way too soon for you after your last relationship. It seems that your new partner knew that, but didn't know how to end things. Sometimes, when people don't feel up to ending a relationship clearly they instead choose what we call the 'slow fizzle' - in which they gradually have less and less contact with the person they're in the relationship with. This sounds to me like it was a little like a slow fizzle, but more like a big fizzle - in which he just vanished. That must have been very painful for you, eastbyfurthereast; and I'm sorry that happened.

However, sometimes people do end things very messily and without any clarity, and one of downfalls of having any kind of relationship are the painful endings, unfortunately, and some are more confusing and hurtful than others, as people make mistakes, and get confused themselves.

In the relationship after that, it sounds like - although you both communicated very well about healing from your past relationships ending as well as having fantastic sexual commuincation - it sounds to me like there could have been more communication about spending time together in person. When a relationship is very new, we do tend to spend more time together that we'd usually spend time with a partner. Everyone has different preferences when it comes to hanging out, so working those out is a good idea. I'm not sure if I'd frame that as 'mixed signals' as we can't really know what someone's thinking and feeling unless we talk about that.

However, it sounds like with this relationship, there instead was a clear ending and reason; we need connectivity (sometimes called 'chemistry') to have a relationship. He may have been picking up on you not feeling fully comfortable in the relationship. That would be perfectly understandable, after having been through someone not honoring your agreements and then a big fizzle with someone else; you're not going to feel totally comfy right away - especially if you haven't done a lot of working through both hurts. However, connectivity really can't be predicted at all, we can find someone amazing; fun, kind, respectful - and still not have any connectivity. It's really unpredictable as to whether we feel connectivity with someone or not. So again, that really isn't likely a problem with you.

I think we really can drive ourselves up a tree with confusion, fear and worry about who we are when we try to look for patterns like this. These guys all sound very different to me: breaking agreements, vanishing, and just choosing to end things are all very different things. However, even if it was all the same thing which caused the hurt witha ll three relationships - I still wouldn't frame this as being some kind of problem with you. We can't ever influence partners relationship decisons - no matter what we do. That's something very personal to them as individuals.

As you're worried in this new relationship about being hurt again in the way you have been before, I'd advise against having a relationship at this time, to really get some distance from the past. What do you think?

[ 03-30-2012, 03:56 PM: Message edited by: Saffron Reimi ]

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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