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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » What makes it worth it?

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Author Topic: What makes it worth it?
turtle_lady
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I am just generally inquiring...and just curious as t what makes someone right for you and what are some red flags to look out for?

These are obviously questions I should have asked a while ago since I am to be married in a couple months...but what really makes it worth it to be with someone for the rest of your life?

I am full of questions...I am getting married in a couple months, my head is swimming with them and my emotions are on crazy rollercoasters quite often.

My fiance is quirky, incredibly intelligent and has a very kind heart with a great passion for the love of Christ. Of course there are things about him that annoy me like any person you become exceedingly close to...but sometimes I wonder.

When I met him, he was not in school (had been out of highschool for 4 years, took him that long to complete his 12th year of highschool...perfectionism, neglect and procrastination at its worst), did not drive and had no plans for any future...since we've been together these past 2 years, he's now finishing his 2nd year of university for religion, history and philosophy and aspires to get his PhD in studying Soren Kierkegaard (Christian Danish philosopher) and is currently taking drivers lessons to get his G2 hopefully by the summertime. Huge changes...and not just for me, but he feels so much better about his life [Smile] incredible...

But he grew up in a very tough household where there were many fights and no one talked about anything important or about sex...all feelings were swallowed and nothing was discussed. His father was addicted to narcotics and alcohol as was his older sister...so proud to say that both are 100% clean. Unfortunately his father passed away last year at 55 years old...my fiance's youngest sister being 13 years old...it's been a hard life. As a result, Derek was at first closed off and difficult to read and didn't open up much. He has a raging temper, like his father did...Derek has never physically hurt me, but in passionate moments of anger, he has handled me roughly by grabbing my arm or my face and has yelled fairly loudly...it has been a scary scene, no doubt. He was also addicted to pornography...the problem starting more than 10 years ago. He told me about 8 months into our relationship he has this problem with porn and masturbation...steps to make the problem better has only been recent...he gave me his laptop for a period of time...but was dishonest because he had still been looking at the stuff, ashamed to tell me because he didn't want to hurt me. That almost ended our relationship...we now have passwords on all computers around my house and his house and his laptop no longer has a wireless router...all set-ups and suggestions that he has come up with himself.

But I was wondering if that was something ever to be afraid of? I mean...Derek has never emotionally or mentally abused me either, has never called me any names...nothing. Derek strongly desires to be the best man he can be and I watch him struggle every day and try every day because I know he loves me...and yeah there's always going to be problems...but using harsh physical actions and being dishonest those few times we've been together...after all this, do you think it's really worth it? Sometimes I can get so overwhelmed, it's hard to see te good sometimes.

Obviously, I really do think he is worth it...I am marrying him in a couple months! But were there some red flags I may have missed with these problems and set-backs? I love my man...we can work through anything as long as we're both in agreement to do our best.

Just some opinions...

And I am hoping that his stays confidential...not many people know this story and sometimes I just really want someone to talk to...

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~Kayla Christine~

Posts: 51 | From: Ontario | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
turtle_lady
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May respectfully ask for this posted to be deleted from the forum? It is silly and I don't feel vulnerable enough to discuss this...thank you
Posts: 51 | From: Ontario | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
eryn_smiles
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Member # 35643

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In terms of "red flags" you might find it helpful to go through these articles and checklist:
http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/37/t/000003.html
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/boyfriend/hello_sailor_how_to_build_board_and_navigate_a_healthy_relationship
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/crisis/should_i_stay_or_should_i_go
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/crisis/blinders_off_getting_a_good_look_at_abuse_and_assault

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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