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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Older man, younger girl relationship

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Author Topic: Older man, younger girl relationship
ShortAndSweet
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(I am a girl) So my girlfriend just broke up with me, and I decided to start dating men as well just to keep my options open.

I have had this close friendship with a guy that I work with. He is 42 years old and I am 24. We are super close, and I am not sure if anything would ever happen between us, but I was ust curious as to what people thought:
Do you think a relationship could work between a guy and girl with an about 20 year age gap?

Just wanted some opinions =)

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Saffron Raymie
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Hello ShortAndSweet, welcome back again. [Smile]

I'd just like to check with you if you think you've had enough time to grieve, process and heal from your last relationship, before you enter into a relationship with this guy?

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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ShortAndSweet
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No, I haven't. I am not looking for a relationship. I just wanted to know what people thought about the topic in general, not necessarily to me. I do like him and he and i are great, but just close friends. I do not even know if this will cross our paths.
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Saffron Raymie
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Age gap relationships always carry a power imbalance; but if everyone is aware of that power imbalance and work hard to keep the relationship as equal and healthy as it can be, then the imbalance becomes much less of an issue.

Have you have a look through this topic and thsi article yet: Age Gap Basics and Why I Deeply Dislike your Older Boyfriend?

If you'd like a personal story, I had a relationship with someone who was 25 when I was 16, and it was a very healthy relationship. He knew there was a huge imbalance - not just because of our ages, but also because he was a huge star in a specialist-interest sport that I loved - and made sure he always acted to minimize that inequality. He did this by making sure I never felt pressured to do anything sexual just because he wanted to and was older, whether I was comfortable around his same-age friends, and whether I felt I could act like a sixteen year old rather than a twenty-something. It was one of the most equal and healthy relationships I've ever had. [Smile]

[ 03-31-2012, 02:56 PM: Message edited by: Saffron Reimi ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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ShortAndSweet
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Thanks for those articles and the welcome back earlier [Smile]

The relationship between him and I is very awesome. We work together so we are professional, but when we go out outside of the work enviornment we are just as awesome! We have a lot in common, we get along, we can tell each other anything. To me, the dominance thing is not an issue, probably because he doesn't really act his age too much haha! We hang out with a variety of people all ranging in ages 24 (me) to 42 (him). 20 years is a big gap though...

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ShortAndSweet
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What is your or anyone elses opinion??
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Saffron Raymie
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Well, 18 years is a big gap, but I don't think that automatically means a relationship between you two would be a bad idea. You are both legally and developmentally adults.

When we talk about age at Scarleteen, we're usually talking about teens as the younger party, and teens dating legal adults, or where there was a kind of age disparity like 13-17, 14-19, etc. We tend to often see different dynamics with those relationships than we do with age differences for older teens and certainly than with many adults.

To use an example Heather gave:

"For example, for someone 15 dating someone 20, the 15 year old is dating someone 33% older (or 1/3 older) whereas to the 20 year old it's only 25% younger.

Someone 27 dating someone 17 is 37% older for where they're at, but to the 17-year-old, that's 58% older. Still majorly different than the previous example by both tokens, but that 58% is a pretty massive thing.

And the older we get, the more those numbers decrease even with the same age differences, which is one reason why older people dating with an age disparity is different than when it includes a person who is substantially younger or who isn't even in their 20's yet. And why for some people when younger, even just a handful of years can be a big difference, bigger than it would be later in life."

So, as adults, and with your 18 year age difference, although it's a long time; it's a much less big a deal than if you were 17 and he was 35, because you're older. Currently, he's roughly 45% older from your point of view, which is still a large percentage, but smaller that if it was a 10 year age gap and you were 17 to his 27. It's less because you're older - 24. Does this make sense?

My opinion is that if you did enter into a relationship, and he was aware of the power imblance (although it's smaller because you're 24) and works to decrease that as much as possible - such as allowing for you both to be in different places with your lives, and want different things for your lives right now - it would just require the care and consideration a same-age relationship would. I can't really say if any relationship would 'work' or not; because nobody can predict something like that. Does that make sense? [Smile]

[ 04-02-2012, 10:05 AM: Message edited by: Saffron Reimi ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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ShortAndSweet
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It does! Like I said, I was just curious, but who knows what the future holds! Thank you!!
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Saffron Raymie
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You're welcome!

(Sorry I accidently pinned your topic up to the top of the list!)

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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ShortAndSweet
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Haha thats ok!! no big deal!! [Smile]
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