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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I don't know what to do

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Author Topic: I don't know what to do
Member # 94991

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My boyfriend and I broke up today due to the fact that I felt he hasn't been holding his weight within the relationship. Like, I would be doing everything to make him happy while I was slowly becoming unhappy because he wouldn't be trying for me like I was for him. I texted him during the day saying we needed to talk (which sort of implied that I wanted to breakup with him). He began freaking out (he was afraid a breakup was coming) and i told him i would call him after school. However, as time went by throughout the day, I began to think that I was being too rash because I didn't even give us a chance to work things out. I called to talk about how I felt and reassure him that I wasn't breaking up with him. I told him how hurt I was by our fights and then he suggested we break up because he doesn't want to hurt me anymore and he is afraid that if we stay together, our relationship would just end in a massive fight.

This is my first break up and I have no idea how to cope. I thought I was going to be okay, but now I am extremly miserable. Is it wrong for me to think that we may have a chance of getting back together? We had been going out for six motnhs

P.S both of us haven't really signaled our intentions of remaining friends. The telephone conversation just ended with a couple of sorrys from him and a quick bye from the both of us.

[ 04-17-2012, 07:39 PM: Message edited by: bluevelvetcake ]

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Executive Director & Founder
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I'm sorry you're going through this: breakups can be so painful, especially when we haven't been through one before.

I think that right now, while this is SO fresh, you just feel how you feel and think what you think: there aren't rights or wrongs here, just a lot of feelings to experience and eventually work through.

Do you have any friends or family you can lean on right now who can be there for you?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 94991

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I definetly have friends that I can lean on. They have been very supportive [Smile]
But also I wanted to add in my previous post that something strange sort of just happened. He wanted to come over to get a few things off his chest and like he was telling me how sorry he was (again) and kept asking me if there was anything I wanted to say. All I told him was that I think he is making a bad decision, but if its what he wants to do I respect it. And he kept saying we'll just keep fighting so we should remain not together. I told him then we dont have anything more to talk about (in a nice way)and he left. However, I asked him after he left (messaged him on facebook chat) that something just dawned on me that i realized i should have asked. And i ask my question, but I indicated, while asking the question, that im typing to him on facebook because i deleted his number. What i didn't tell him was that i deleted him number was because i didn't want to find myself during the day txting him because i wasn't used to the breakup.

The fact that he showed up, after what I said, does this mean he was looking for a bit of hope that I wanted to get back together? And was the deleteing of the phone number too harsh? Do you think he is hurt about it and thinks there is no chance of us getting back together if that was what he wanted at the beginning of his visit?

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Member # 94991

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Posts: 9 | Registered: Feb 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Meryl Anne
Member # 93859

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Hi! I'm a Neophyte just like you. Currently on the 19th day of my second break-up.

Just like you, I sometimes think about the possibility of getting back together. Sometimes, it's not even getting back together but just having my partner with me again. I sometimes feel guilty, wondering if I couldn't have done more to change things.

What has been helpful was not to feel bad about thinking these things. They are just thoughts anyway and they come with the territory. Give yourself the time to feel the way you feel and take good care of yourself before you do anything further about your breakup.

As for maintaining contact, I suppose it depends on the circumstances of your breakup. My first breakup wasn't so friendly and we stopped talking just like that. This recent one, however, was a mutual decision arrived at after at least two months of trying very, very hard. What I did was, I told my ex from the onset that I needed at least two months without contact.

My ex did attempt contact at least 3 different times, but I consistently, gently reminded him that we both wanted this space for ourselves. It's tough and I miss him often, but I wanted to focus on making myself feel better. You see, I thought that if friendship with my ex was really worth it and doable, I could let it happen when I felt ready for it.

As for your partner looking for hope, I am hardly in any kind of position to comment on him, but he is most likely as hurt and confused as you are. Again, if it was a pretty healthy relationship to begin with, talking things over with him might not be so bad provided that you do it after having thought your decision out.

Finally, breakups can be messy and imperfect and are really, really tough. I get by with a lot of help from the people here. It's a good place to go and I'll be glad to keep on talking to you if you want me to [Smile]

[ 04-21-2012, 07:51 AM: Message edited by: Meryl Anne ]

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Member # 94991

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Thanks Meryl [Smile]
Its just been so difficult.
But I've been trying everyday. I gave him back thhe stuff he gave me (i asked a mutual friend to return it for me), I deleted him and his friends off facebook (so i wouldn't catch myself facebook stalking him) and I told our mutual friend to give him back some pictures i took of him (photographs are very valuable to me and I don't have the heart to tear or throw them out). I feel like I'm subconsciously trying to remind him of me. I know it is wrong, but I keep getting that nagging feeling that he just doesn't care.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Perhaps it will take two months for me as well (which sucks because I'm very impatient), but I hope I can recover successfully because right now I cannot stop thinking about him even when I'm with my friends and family.

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Member # 56822

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It just takes the amount of time it takes. There's no way to healthily hurry it. Just take the time you need. [Smile]

-hugs for bluevelvetcake-

Posts: 540 | From: Australia | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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