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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Guidance please, and moral support :/

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Author Topic: Guidance please, and moral support :/
Meryl Anne
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Please guide me in finding the right direction. I feel as if distancing myself from my situation would help, but I feel so wound up that I won't allow myself to relax. It's as if if I relax now, I'll end up in a much deeper hole.

Around September 2010, my current boyfriend started courting me. He was from a place far from where I lived, but we met at a training center where we were classmates. He, with his friends, came to that center just to earn a certain certificate. His entire life and career prior to that was at his hometown and he didn't have many new friends yet where I lived.

While I already felt attracted to him, I held back because I heard people all around us say he was still seeing this girl that he claimed he had already broken up with. At first I was hesitant but the more he insisted they were done, the more I believed until I finally accepted him.

Our class ended at October 2010. He went back to his hometown, but stayed in touch and came back in a week. He found a place to live nearby and followed me around in all the jobs and on-the-job trainings I took.

What followed was this period where we acted like a couple but weren't officially one. I didn't much mind because to me, it was only a matter of time before he would ask to commit. All the while I never forgot about the other girl.

One day in January 2011, I peeked into his cell phone inbox and saw several messages from the other girl. I confronted him about it and he claimed they were one-sided, and he never responded to them. I believed him and let it go.

Shortly thereafter, he sent a message to me that was intended for the other girl. It wasn't sweet but it came off as a kind of message spoken between people who converse frequently. I confronted him again, and he claimed over and over again that it was nothing. I believed him again and let it go, but I was already really suspicious.

A bunch of small incidents happened in between and the atmosphere around our relationship wasn't very good either. I was constantly bothered by the fact that while our friends around us knew about us, it would seem that nobody from his hometown knew about us. I had met his mom, but it seemed like nobody else really knew about us. I tried to get him to add me on his Facebook account, but he told me it had been hacked into.

Around April 2011, he was getting ready to work in the Middle East. I tried to deal with memories of past events and his impending departure. A few weeks before he left, his Facebook account added mine. He told me he didn't know how or why it did that, but I added it anyway. In it, I saw that he was still in a relationship with the other girl, saw pictures of them together with recent comments, saw her message on his wall about their anniversary (which he 'Liked'), and saw that all his work information was updated. Even all the videos he had been sharing to me since his account got hacked were there.

Needless to say, I was disturbed enough to break it off. He went on to the Middle East and I stayed in our country.

While he was there, he kept in touch, constantly writing, texting and calling. I had difficulty healing and letting go of all that had happened. I couldn't stop myself from searching him or the other girl online. I found out the other girl was set to work in the Middle East as well under a different employer and in a different region.

Months later, about September 2011, I met someone new. I was enjoying it, but he found out about it, got depressed and clingy and eventually left his job in the Middle east and flew back to our country. To this day he tells me it was because he couldn't stand to lose me to that other guy.

Now here we are, we've made our relationship official. We are five months into it. I have to admit that since he came back I felt that the air between us was genuinely clear. I've been to his hometown (at his own expense nonetheless), met his entire family and even stayed with them for a week. He made a new Facebook account saying we were in a relationship, and full of new pictures and with contacts from our line of work. I felt that he was now 100% into it.

But around December 2011, I found some pictures of him and the other girl together around the time he was constantly denying that they were together. There were pictures from December 2010 and April 2011. When I confronted him about it, he told me that yes he did see her on those times, but that it didn't mean anything to him, that he did it because he felt indebted to her and felt bad about being cold to her. He said he didn't tell me because he didn't want to lose me, and that they really weren't together anymore. I found all of this out a few days before he left to go back to his hometown. I told him I'd just believe him but he needed to deal with my uncomfortable feelings with me in the coming days.

Now he has been offered a job in his hometown and I have to admit, in our line of work, getting a job here where I live can be quite hard due to the competition (I live in the capital city; he lives in an partly urbanized city.) I've encouraged him to take it. But I feel confused and hopeless. We try to talk about it, but I explode all the time, inconsolable, wanting him to come back here with me, feeling as if that would fix everything. He's busy all the time there, and though we talk to each other all night long, he doesn't contact me as much as I like. Like I said, I am literally inconsolable.

Small things bring me back to those times and my old ways. Seeing that his old Facebook is still around (and has recently blocked me) drove me to write this post because I was so tired of trying to dig up dirt.

Please help me.

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Redskies
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Hi, Meryl Anne; welcome to the Scarleteen community.

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a difficult time with this.

If he did move back with you, it's highly unlikely that that by itself would solve the problems, because it's clear that there are some very deep-seated and long-term issues with trust and trustworthiness in this relationship. If he isn't being trustworthy, just being near you isn't going to change that or give you any more assurance of it; and being able to see more of his life isn't going to resolve the feelings that you have and make you more comfortable trusting him.

From what you describe here, it sounds like you have good reason to be asking questions. Usually, around relationships, I don't like paying much attention to what people do or say on Facebook because it often just muddies things and makes more mess. In this case, though, I think it's worth considering what might be going on.

Has he given you an explanation for why his Facebook was in use and up-to-date when he told you it was hacked, and why it had multiple things (relationship status, pictures, the anniversary comment) showing him in a relationship with the other girl? Or an explanation for why he has two facebook accounts at the moment? Also, on the account that includes your life with him, is he connected with people just from his own life on that account, for example, his friends from home? If not, what explanation does he have for that? Have you asked to meet his friends, and if so, how did he respond?

Also, how do you know that his old facebook account has blocked you? It was my understanding that being blocked on facebook means that you can't see anything about the person who blocked you; but perhaps I'm wrong.

You say "We try to talk about it, but I explode all the time, inconsolable," If it doesn't feel too intrusive, could you give us an idea about what happens in those conversations?

How often would you like him to contact you?

[ 01-20-2012, 08:51 PM: Message edited by: Redskies ]

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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Saffron Raymie
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That sounds very tough. Have you spoken to him about his old facebook account, and asked him if he knows who hacked it?

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~ Saffy
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To my Abuser: I'm seeing stars. I bet you can't do that.

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Meryl Anne
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Sorry, I already posted my reply but I thought I'd revise it a bit. It wasn't reflective of all the developments made.

First, thank you again for your time. I really appreciate your help and believe firmly that our discussion here could help me cope better.

To answer your questions, he says he has long lost control of his old account and that it was hacked into by the other girl and his sister who is a close friend of the other girl. He said they deliberately put in all that content and added me on Facebook to cause trouble. He made his second account upon coming home from the Middle East. He said this was to prove to me that the other one really didn't mean anything to him.

The new account has some common friends with the old one but mostly doesn't have many of his friends from home. He says this is so because he hadn't been using his Facebook in a long while anyway and would rather maintain relationships through text or face-to-face interactions.

He has taken me to his hometown and I stayed with his family for about a week. We got to meet some of his old friends (to whom I've been introduced as his girlfriend) but I didn't actively seek out to meet them.

I found out that the account had blocked me because I couldn't see it when I was logged in but I could see it when I wasn't. I borrowed a friend's account which was a friend of that old account and finally got to open it.

It was still updated. There were no new pictures, and there was no relationship status, but there were still lots of wall posts from the other girl, another anniversary comment, and at least one response from him telling her that he loved her. I broke up with him over it.

For a few days I avoided talking to him until he told me he had something to say. Thinking he would finally tell me the truth, I went ahead and talked to him. Turns out he had already booked a flight going back here. He sounded really miserable and kept on insisting that he didn't have anything to do with that old account at all. I can't find the account anymore and he says he got his hacker friends to remove it. He apologizes profusely for not having deleted it sooner.

Another one of his sisters got into the mix and contacted me to back up all of his claims. She says that she too cannot see that account anymore. After some consideration, I thought I'd give him another shot.

We were okay for a few days, and he seemed to be more receptive of his responsibility in the whole thing. He now seems to put in the effort to text or call me more throughout the day about the little happenings in his daily life. It was okay for me too, but after a while, the confusion and the pain set in again.

As it was before we broke up, our fights start out with me asking for more details about their time together, or asking for reassurance that it's all over. Then it devolves into me bringing up all the ways that he hurt me, pressing him for answers as to why he did what he did, and if he actually knew what he did wrong. I would even tear into myself and tell him that he made me lose trust and respect in myself.

I've come to the realization that I blame myself a lot for everything that has happened. I don't know what to do anymore.

[ 01-30-2012, 10:37 PM: Message edited by: Meryl Anne ]

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Meryl Anne
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Also I'd like to ask if seeking out more evidence is ever a good thing to do.
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moonlight bouncing off water
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I think that, no matter how much evidence you seek out, that that won't solve the problem. Like Redskies skies said above, it sounds like there are some very deep seated issue and it sounds like this guy isn't trustworthy at all. Knowing that this guy might never be trustworthy, where do you want to go with this relationship?

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Meryl Anne
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He tells me things will be different this time and it does seem like he has changed. I'm hoping we could start anew and move on together. But I'm really, really scared.
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moonlight bouncing off water
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But he's said this before, correct? And things didn't change that time did they?

You're hoping to start anew wit him; do you think that is realistically possible?

What about this scares you?

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Meryl Anne
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Yes he has said this before, and he just lied repeatedly.

I think there's a tiny chance of things working out; he seems more receptive to telling me the truth now and accepting responsibility than he used to be. I'd like to give him the chance and hope he's finally going to come through this time.

I'm just really scared of getting it all wrong and being hurt again.

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Honestly, I think that the chances of you getting hurt again if you continue with this relationship are really huge.

What makes you think that there is a chance of this working out? Is anything different this time than the other times?

I'm trying not to be harsh, and I know how hard it must be to deal with this.

Do you want to continue the relationship with him? Because it seems to me like the relationship will simply follow the path that it seems to always have, seeming good at the start but in the end you come out feeling hurt and lied to. Does this seem likely to you?

This relationship does seem like a sound one for you to be in, in my opinion. What do you think about that?

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Meryl Anne
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I believe so too; I think I'm taking a huge gamble. I think this may be where some of my self-directed resentment comes from.

Well, he expresses a lot of willingness and support to all of my suggestions, even ones I hadn't thought about thoroughly (everything from making our relationship more public to cooling off.) He also seems more open to answering my questions. On the whole, although I can tell I've tired him out with my really harsh words, he seems more accepting of his responsibility now.

It's okay, I appreciate these discussions. Honestly, I had never gotten to summarize my feelings in such clear ways before. It helps to have someone cut through the fluff. All of this has helped to give me ground, which is a big part of why it has been so hard to deal with.

I do want to see it work out, but I think it might be healthier to tone down our intimacy and to set up boundaries for myself and sticking to them this time.

Can I ask what you mean by the relationship being a sound one?

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moonlight bouncing off water
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By the relationship being sound, I mean quite frankly that I don't think the relationship is healthy. I see a repeated pattern here of this guy lying to you, but you going back to him nonetheless. His story about his facebook account sounds quite fake. There's a million and one ways to get back into the account if you forget the password or someone hacks it and changes it and it seems highly unlikely that none of them worked for him. And even if he truly did lose his password, and someone did indeed break into the account, it seems totally implausible that these "friends" of his would continually keep updating the hacked account. Furthermore it seems evident that he was still seeing this girl and that he was lying about it. Quite frankly, this relationship sounds immensely unhealthy for you to be in. I understand wanting to stick it out and wanting it to be better, but nothing that you've said about this guy makes it seem even remotely possible that he is capable of being truthful, nor that he truly desires to be truthful to you.

In my school, there are some poster that got me thinking. They say: "love shouldn't hurt" and they're right. Love should be amazing not only more than it isn't, but most of the time. Relationships will have their ups and downs, but they shouldn't be all down all the time.

To me, it seems that if you continue to date this guy, the good stuff will be far too short lived and then it will start hurting again. And it really does seems to me like you know that, since you posted on here in the first place. It can be so tempting to ignore one's common sense when listening to it will cause pain in the short term, but if one ignores their gut instinct, pain in the long term is almost guaranteed. What is your common sense telling you about this relationship? If you were to read this post here on Scarleteen, but someone else had written it, what advice would you give them?

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Meryl Anne
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Hard as it may be to admit, if someone else had told this story, I would also be highly skeptical of the guy.

That is really hard to admit. Thank you for your insight though, I will seriously consider it. Wish me luck?

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Best of luck!

Trust me I know how hard things like this are, but it does get better. Do you want to talk about this some more?

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Meryl Anne
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Thank you. I really would [Smile]
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moonlight bouncing off water
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Okay, well where would you like to go with this discussion?

And what do you think that you would like to do as per the relationship?

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Meryl Anne
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Hehe, I honestly don't know yet. But I'd like to keep up communications here at Scarleteen for when something comes to mind.

I'm a bit confused still about what to do about the relationship. You're right, my instincts are telling me I'm not safe here. But I haven't completely strengthened my resolve to end things. It's like I'd like to wait on it for a few more days, or to see if anything comes up.

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moonlight bouncing off water
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And ultimately, waiting a few days to think through what you want and what you need is better than making any decisions right now. But I'm glad that you're able to recognize what your gut is telling you.

We're here to talk as long as you still want [Smile] .

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Meryl Anne
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Thank you so much [Smile] I'm glad I have people to talk to.
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Meryl Anne
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I have a question about something that I am fundamentally confused about:

Is it ever a good idea to "snoop" around behind someone else's back?

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Robin Lee
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You know, directness, openness, and honesty are usually your best bets in the long run.

That said, would you like to tell us more about this question?

[ 02-03-2012, 06:45 AM: Message edited by: Robin Lee ]

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Robin

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Meryl Anne
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Right. Please let me know too if this should be another thread.

I know a lot of other people who have hacked into their partners' accounts or checked their cell phones for confirmation or evidence of dishonesty. I've done it myself. I've always been bothered by it though. So I was wondering what would be a healthy outlook on this kind of behavior.

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Robin Lee
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Starting a new thread is up to you. You might get more feedback that way if that's what you're looking for.

Just to clarify, are you asking what a healthyoutlook on or healthy way to handle suspected dishonesty in a partner?

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Robin

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Meryl Anne
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Yes, that's exactly it.
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