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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » getting acceptance from mum

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Author Topic: getting acceptance from mum
EmilyGirl
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My Mum just will not accept that I'm in a relationship. She hardly talks to me about my boyfriend and when she does she refers to him as 'that boy'. She doesn't agree with it due to her religious beliefs, and I fully accept that for her, but she won't accept my choices and she just shuts me down whenever I try to talk to her.
My boyfriend and I have been talking about having sex, and I'd love to be able to talk to Mum about that. I want to go on the pill, but I don't know how to get it if my Mum won't help me out.
I just want to be able to talk to my Mum about my boy, and take him home for dinner, and just be able to go out with him more. She doesn't like it when I go and see him, so I can only ever do it behind her back, which just makes our relationship worse. It's seriously killing me. It effects my life at home, and It effects my relationship with my Dad and my boyfriend as well. I just need to know how to make her see that this isn't ruining my life and that my boyfriend is a really great guy and that she just needs to understand that this is my llife and she can't try and live it and make my decisions for me.
Thanks for your help

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Heather
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Welcome to Scarleteen, Emily.

So, you say this is about your mother's religious beliefs: does that mean that you've been able to talk enough about this to have a pretty clear idea of her feelings about all of this?

I ask because I'm trying to figure out where the starting point for resolving this conflict would be, and if you still both need to talk about each of your feelings as they stand to even get started, or if you have both already done that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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EmilyGirl
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I tried to get her to sit down and talk to me a few times, but it turned into a shouting match every time. What I got out of it was pretty much that because she's a Christian and doesn't believe in dating, I have to believe it too. She even told me I wasn't old enough to know what I believe. But I'm almost 17, so I'm pretty sure I've been old enough for that for a while.
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Heather
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The way these conversations have gone: would you say this is pretty typical for how "talks" go when there is conflict between you or are these dynamics -- things going to a shouting match, communication totally shutting down -- unusual?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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EmilyGirl
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No that's pretty much the usual. I don't really remember the last time we had a civil conversation about something we don't agree about. I tried writing everything down that I needed her to know, but she hasn't listened to me about and asking my Dad to give it to her, but she hasn't talked to me about it since, so I guess I'm a bit worried about how she's taken that as well.
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Heather
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Bummer. As you know, that's going to make this tricky. If there's no pattern of handling conflict and working it out well before this, doing that well starting with something so loaded is going to be pretty darn tricky.

But it also makes me wonder this: have you two ever talked about this, about how you can't seem to work through conflict well, and what a barrier it is to the kind of relationship you want with her? Working out this bigger issue seems important regardless, after all, plus, until you make some headway with it, it seems doubtful you'll be able to make any with the way she's approaching your relationship.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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EmilyGirl
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Actually we haven't talked about that. Maybe I'll try to bring it up in the car sometime, she always seems most relaxed there. I'll let you know how that goes.
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Heather
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Sure thing. Do you want any help in terms of having that talk with her?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68032 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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