Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Trapped & Confused

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Trapped & Confused
Sophanon
Neophyte
Member # 94101

Icon 9 posted      Profile for Sophanon     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
This seemed like as good as a place as any to put this, so here goes! I'm just looking for some advice [Smile]

I have been in a relationship with an awesome guy who is everything I could ever ask for. He is there for me, he supports me, he does things with me that I've always wanted to do. We've been together four years and we're getting married soon. There is no passion in our relationship. We are like best friends. I don't think I'm getting cold feet because I've been feeling this way for a long time. I have previously tried to break up with him, and he guilts me into staying. The problem is that I love him, and he's everything I've ever wanted. I don't know if there is a way to rekindle the spark (if it was ever there?) or if I want to. I find every little thing he does annoys me. I'm distant and he doesn't notice. I feel like I'm in too deep to get out, however I would much rather end this now than get divorced later. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I'm so lost. I keep telling myself it will get better, and I keep coming back to this point. I've told him about this many times and it gets us nowhere. I don't feel like he's trying, but I don't really know what he can do. Everyone tells me to leave him and make myself happy, however I feel I will regret it if I leave him.

Another part of me that I tried to ignore feels like I'm missing out. I consider myself bisexual because I'm attracted to women, though I've never been in a relationship with one. I find myself thinking about it a LOT. I see an attractive girl and think "what if?" I can't help it, and I feel bad for it. I've told my fiancee about all of this and it comes down to this: I stay, am unhappy some of the time but treated well and get most of what I want out of life; I leave, explore my sexuality and figure out what I want and lose him forever. I'm not sure I could lose him. I'm so confused [Frown]

If you can make any sense of that, I would appreciate some advice.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It seems very clear to me that your relationship has simply shifted from a romantic one to a platonic one. You care deeply about each other, and love and respect each other, but (at least on your side) there are no romantic feelings.

That in itself isn't unusual or bad: relationships develop and change over time as the people in them develop and change, and sometimes something that used to be a great fit for us isn't anymore.

Have you talked to your partner about the way that your feelings have changed? Have you had any frank conversations about the way that he feels about you and your relationship?

As for what to do, I would tend to agree with your friends: getting married at this point seems like a recipe for disaster. But calling off the wedding now also doesn't mean that you have to cut your partner out of your life. It seems like you two have a very deep friendship, so why not simply acknowledge that shift, and remain friends? That way, you both can hold on to the parts of the relationship that work for you, and are free to pursue romantic relationships with other partners.

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sophanon
Neophyte
Member # 94101

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sophanon     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
We have talked before, and it doesn't really get us anywhere. He gets really upset (sad not angry) and I feel bad and I want to comfort him. I don't think we can remain friends if we do split up. I don't think he would go for that. I don't think he could ever see past what we are now. He would be too hurt. I need to talk to him again and make him understand where I'm coming from. I'm going to talk to him tonight, I haven't had a chance yet. I hope I can stay strong and stick to my feelings instead of feeling sad for him and giving up and staying to make him happy. That really isn't any way to live.

Thanks for your response [Smile]

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You are very welcome.

I am sorry to hear that you don't think he would be open to shifting your relationship to a platonic one. But if that is not something he wants, you may have to accept that it's this or nothing. And it sounds very much like you would be far happier wtih someone who is a better fit for you than he is. Staying in this unhappy relationship is only keeping both of you from entering more fulfilling relationships.

I wish you the best of luck with your conversation! We're happy to talk to you about the results of it, whatever they may be.

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3