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Author Topic: Need to talk
anastasiya
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Hi...
I am a first-time member here but a long time reader...have gone through so much of the amazing stuff on this site...all you people have done such a great job..i'm really in awe of it.
[Smile]

i hate to be such a bother...but...there were some relationship issues i wanted to discuss...problem is my boyfriend knows i visit these boards...he saw it in my browser history last time and the discussion i want to have...i don't want even the slightest chance of him knowing...and he would definitely recognise from the details...is there some sort of a passworded area or some way that this discussion can be visible only to the volunteers? again sorry to be such a bother...

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NoName
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Hi, I am not 100 percent sure but I believe that there is no way for your discussion to remain private on the message boards. All you can do as far as anonymity goes is not use your real name or reveal personal information. Perhaps one of the volunteers can assist you in changing your username, would that help? I appreciate that you want your discussion to remain private but really, if your boyfriend is going through your computer history against your wishes, he is being really disrespectful of your personal space. If he cares about you, then he should be reasonably open to you asking for relationship advice on a very professional site as this, especially since this site is very good at protecting your privacy. He may be a little skiddish about you discussing the problems between you with strangers but if you personally feel that you need to talk to someone, then it is your right to do so. It is Christmas so I am not sure when an actual volunteer will get to help you but I would bet it would be at least tomorrow and they can try to help you with this, or refer you to other resources that your boyfriend would not already know about. Take care!
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anastasiya
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actually...i saw the title of this password-protected forum "Protected Discussion " among the Town Hall list and was wondering if it was possible for me to have my discussion there...anyway about the history issue...it wasn't really that he was prying...he stayed over at my place for a few hours and wanted to check his email, so i let him use my laptop and my browser window was minimized and one of the tabs open was the forum main page...since we've been having these issues i think he suspects i use the forums to get help although i haven't, yet...but for all i know...he himself may be here...i'm sorry but just feeling kind of paranoid...
anyway, thanks for replyin ! and a merry christmas!

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Robin Lee
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yes, we do have a password protected forum. I'm relatively new to working on the boards so I don't have the password but I will find out what can be done.

--------------------
Robin

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NoName
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I was about to tell you that I just saw another thread where Heather referred to a password only forum, so luckily, I was wrong [Smile]
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You know, if you want absolute assurance whatever you say here will not be seen by this person, then your very best bet is to talk to an in-person counselor or to call a hotline. If you'd prefer that, we can likely help you find either you can use.

Otherwise, we prefer to save the password-protected forums for very rare use only when users feel that posting otherwise on the boards may literally put their safety at risk or the safety of someone else. Is that a position that you're in?

If it's not, could you perhaps simply ask your partner to allow you privacy to post here? That would be something I'd say any respectful partner would do for another who asked that of them.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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anastasiya
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No..the issues i was out to discuss do not have such serious implications as being actual threats to my safety...i was probably just feeling paranoid about what-if scenarios which realistically are highly unlikely.

so i guess i'm just gonna continue here.

to start off, i need to ask for an opinion about my analysis of my own feelings towards the person i am in a now-quasi-relationship with...the analysis sounds right to myself of course, but i need help to help me look at it from another perspective.
alright so this is probably going to sound kinda cliche...but do you think that one can be called to be truly in love (or very close to it) with another person if all these factors below are present :

-- they have been attracted towards the other one ever since they were at the age where you start to develop attraction of the romantic/sexual type towards a person (10 years in my case), inspite of there being no scarcity of other possible 'love-interests'

-- barring minor flaws, have huge admiration and appreciation towards every facet of their personality

-- respect, care, trust and connect amazingly well with them at all levels

-- are able to share any detail, discuss any aspect of life without feeling embarrassed / self-conscious / misunderstood...in other words optimal communication

-- have found each-other to be sexually compatible in every way

-- find in yourself the conviction and belief that as long as the other person is willing and supportive, you could brave every kind of adverse circumstance in order to be with them for a lifetime

-- find in yourself the ability to forgive them and move further with the interpersonal relationship when they show genuine guilt towards some wrong they did against you, over again

-- feel that if that person were to exit from your life due to any circumstance, there would be huge hole left behind (doesn't sound healthy but you know what i'm talking about)

-- and continue to feel all this even when the other person stops reciprocating enough...as in, your ability to do all of this isn't dependent on, or a co-effect of their ability to 'love' you back.

okay so this certainly isn't an exhaustive list of criteria, but you get the general idea....
what i want to basically ask is, if i feel all that and more in the same vein towards a person, can it be reasonably said that "Yes, she loves him."
(or as close to love as possible in an imperfect world).

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Heather
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You know, I'm not sure I know what "truly in love" means at all. "In love" usually simply means that someone has romantic feelings for someone else. "In love" when we're talking about people who have those feelings for each other usually means...well, just that. That we're talking about people who share romantic feelings for one another. What "romantic feelings" means varies a good deal from person to person, so to find out more about that and what it means for someone, we usually have to ask them.

Loving someone is something bigger, and that's something that isn't just about or only about romance or sex. For instance, we can love our platonic friends or family members, love our pets, etc. But while there are some general things people tend to associate with feeling or enacting love, again, this can be really personal.

But when I hear someone talk about things like deep respect, compassion, trust, the ability to be very open and honest, a feeling of deep connection, that tends to be in alignment with what most folks mean when they talk about love.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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anastasiya
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"tends to be in alignment with what most folks mean when they talk about love."

Exactly! Just what i was trying to phrase.
thanks, Heather [Smile]

And do you think that it's okay to "wait" for a person to be truly committed to you and your relationship beacause they are (quote from my boyfriend) "trying to get emotionally mature enough to do so and resolving the issues in [his] life hindering [him] from being absolutely committed to you"

( the said issues include, among other things, financial security and lingering infatuation / 'feelings' towards another girl who did not reciprocate those )

(we were in a typical, solid relationship for 3.5 years before he said this...1 year of which was an LDR, and owing to the cultural circumstances where we belong to, weren't having any more sex than kissing for the first 2.5 years, and not even that in the LDR year)

"Wait for him" as in not seek or give in to any other possible romantic involvements and continue to have a certain level of intimacy (both sexual and emotional) still with the said boyfriend, even though he's technically "not committed" to you, but assures you that he is not testing other waters either.

what does that make us? still a couple? friends with benefits? taking a break from what we traditionally would call a relationship? avoiding breakup or just drawing it out? beginning of the end of the relationship? or does it sound like he genuinely is trying to make things more stable and for that needs to step back a little?

it's not an open relationship coz even though he says he would accept it if i choose to find another partner and not have the intimacy with him, but i choose not to do so coz i'm completely into this guy (re: list above [Big Grin] )
and he isn't seeking another partner coz he just cannot take (again quote) "the pressures of a relationship coz not emotionally mature yet"...
(and for the record, i do not feel i can offer him the same 'freedom to move on' completely willingly or with as much candor as he does to me)

It definitely sounds screwed up when i try to articulate it all...i hope i'm making at least some sense here...any second opinion appreciated...thanks...

[ 12-27-2011, 02:45 PM: Message edited by: anastasiya ]

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Heather
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Can you tell me what being "truly committed" means to you both?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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anastasiya
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Factoring in the culture and way we both have been brought up and our concepts about what a relationship should be (neither of us fans of a lot of sexual experimentation type thing / long strings of casual-semicasual relationships etc), 'truly committed' to both of us would, broadly speaking, mean that, for the now, both of us be satisfied & happy in the relationship, with no burden / pressure and no i-would-be-better-off-with-someone-else type feelings, that he would be able to reciprocate my feelings out of his own will and not becoz he is 'supposed to' , we be comfortable enough about the relationship to reveal to our friends that it exists, and eventually get married (or at least engaged in the next few years).

(we're both approaching 22 right now)

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Heather
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I'm sorry, I'm still feeling a little lost.

You're asking if, given all the ways you both feel, we think it's okay for you to wait for this person to be "truly committed to you."

And then you've defined truly committed as both of you feeling happy and satisfied, sharing the feelings you've said you do share, and to eventually get married.

So, do you mean waiting until you DO get married: is it okay for you to still be with him without that happening yet? Or waiting for him to feel happy or satisfied, or...?

I'm just not able to make sense of what you mean here, sorry if I'm being daft.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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anastasiya
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Sorry if i'm not able to clarify...i feel lost too [Frown] everything seems to make sense inside my head but writing it probably jumbles it up.

I don't mean waiting until we get married...i mean waiting for him to get back into the relationship with me, and then possibly, hopefully, taking it up to the next level in due time.

And if you're referring to my "list", those feelings are not all mutual. I feel all that towards him, always have, but after those 3.5 years that i mentioned, he told me he didn't have the same feelings for me..that he didn't feel he "loved" me anymore coz he was emotionally immature and not able to extricate himself from the issues that he said were hindering him from being committed to me in the way i described.

So as far as definition goes, we are not in a 'relationship' right now, but we are still emotionally and sexually intimate, as in he talks out all his probs with me, we're almost constantly in touch throughout the day, and about the sex, well it's still there coz we're SO compatible with each-other and can't resist and are unable to give it up...it's perfectly mutual.

i'm waiting for him to be ready to call it a relationship again. and to be in love with me like he was, be happy with me, with 'us'.

coming back to the original question, what do you think that makes us? still a couple? friends with benefits? taking a break from what we traditionally would call a relationship? avoiding breakup or just drawing it out? beginning of the end of the relationship? or does it sound like he genuinely is trying to make things more stable and for that needs to step back a little?

sorry if it's still not cleared, do tell me. it's really late night here and i guess i'm way too addled with overthinking [Smile] ...maybe i'll be able to explain it better in the morning. please say if it's not clear still and you think it's worth discussing at all. wouldn't wanna waste anyone's time so if it all sounds complete nonsense, please do tell !! [Smile]

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Heather
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So, waiting for....sex? Or you choosing not to date others until or unless this person wants the kind of relationship with you that you want?

What any of this makes you isn't something I can determine, it's something you two would determine together. What do the two of YOU consider yourselves? What do each of YOU call your relationship?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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anastasiya
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No, i'm not waiting for sex or for the sake of sex...it's just one part of the relationship we had that he didn't wanna give up either. so it's still continuing.

i just don't wanna get involved with another person coz i'm waiting and hoping that this person will come around to wanting again the kind of romantic relationship we used to have. and it's not like i'm forcibly restraining / confining myself....i just don't WANT to see any other guy !

he considers himself single (but not seeking a relationship), whenever any mutual friend asks if we're 'still together', he replies that no, we are just very great friends...

but he DOES have feelings towards me as he says, just that they are "not enough"...he appreciates me as a person, cares for me, is affectionate, but all that is not particularly in a boyfriend sort of way.

as for me, i'm emotionally hugely dependent on him, i think i love him, and as of now, there is no one else i would rather spend my life with. i still don't feel that our romantic relationship is dead and gone...maybe just sleeping...and that he would eventually want us to be 'a couple' again.

i have my times of despair when i feel it's slowly ending, but my hope is stronger i guess, or maybe i'm too dependent on him to even consider the idea of separating forever.

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Heather
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So, I hear you saying that you have a relationship, a sexual one, with this person right now he won't tell anyone else about. How do you feel about that? have you talked about it together? Are you comfortable with that?

I also hear you saying you would ideally want to be in a different kind of relationship with this person than you are, but don't WANT to date anyone else right now, so are choosing not to. Which is, I think, a bit different than "waiting" for him, since you say you have no interest in dating others. Right?

I think the big question here is if you feel okay with, and want to be in, the kind of relationship you are in with him right now, whether or not it is ever different than now and more like what you ideally want.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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anastasiya
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Him having a sexual relationship with me and not telling that part to anyone is okay, coz in my culture, a premarital sexual relationship is not so much okay. People my generation have them, but they're nothing exactly to be publicised, even among a close friend circle. Of course, if two ppl are in a romantic relationship, it is logically assumed here that it must be sexual too, but any other scenario is just not okay. So i don't even want him telling people, even close friends, that he is still sleeping with me even though not in a 'relationship' anymore.

Might not sound so good but I like having this sexual relationship, coz it makes me feel close to him and him to me, and purely from a pleasure point-of-view, it's awesome. I trust that he isn't and won't two-time me and isn't using me or just getting laid, and i know from his actions that he really appreciates and respects my body.

But ideally, yes, i would want it to be proper romantic, acknowledged relationship, dinner-dates, flowers, anniversaries and all that.

about your next question, i am choosing not to date others and have no interest in that BECOZ i'm waiting for him, COZ he has indicated to me that it's a very good chance that we will be together again in the way i want.

If he had not given any indication of that and had completely broken up with me, after my initial grieving, i think i would have WANTED to date others coz i'm the kind of person who really loves to be in a relationship, to be romantic with someone worth it.

I did not want to be in this kind of a relationship that i have right now with him, but, if i may put it this way, it's the lesser of two evil options for me -- be in this, or break up with him completely.

I just don't wanna give up on the idea of 'us'. I realize that if he does not regain his feelings for me and drifts further apart, at some point, latest by 3-4 years, i'm gonna have to move on and marry someone else (my society is big on the arranged-marriage thing, if you've heard of them!) or find someone else that i love.

Do you think it's okay to let this continue for now, or will this make it all the more harder for me to separate from him later? As in, should i break up with him now, leaving it to fate that if we are meant to be together he will come to me himself...or should i remain close to him emotionally and sexually like i am, in the hope of re-igniting his diminished feelings?

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Heather
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So, I hear you saying that you don't feel like this is idea for you, but even with the way that it is, it's still what you want right now.

I can't make predictions for you about if you think staying in this as-is now will make it harder for you or not if it doesn't turn into what you really want. You're going to have the best sense of that, because you know yourself better than anyone. You also don't have to make that choice right now: it's something you can consider day by day.

What I think is that if at any point you feel like what's going on now just isn't okay for you, and is something you're only or mostly doing to try and make what you DO want happen, then you can know that staying in this is probably a pretty bad idea for both of you, and for what sounds, in a lot of ways, like something with a pretty good friendship at the heart of it, which I'm sure you'd hate to see go sour.

Make sense?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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anastasiya
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Yes, makes absolute sense.

And i feel relieved that you say it's a choice i can take my time in making.

You're right that it's not ideal for me and i'm in this coz it's less painful than breaking up with him and that i'm mostly doing this to facilitate the re-emergence of his feelings, but when you say that I'd hate to see the friendship go sour, you're right but there's a glitch here.

You see, the friendship would be soured in any case. If eventually he decides that his feelings are not coming back or he feels that way about someone else and she reciprocates, he's gonna break up completely, and even though he would want to, i cannot remain friends with him. I feel i will have to cut off all contact with him in order to SURVIVE, coz i wouldn't be able to stand the jealousy / sadness / anger at seeing him with someone else EVEN IF i have another guy...coz any other guy will always be a second choice for me, and i would always be wishing i was with him instead of his new partner...i would always, and i do mean always feel extremely sad that it didn't work out with me. So looking out for my own sanity, i will have to be completely separated from him.

This is no exaggeration. I would hate to lose him, he is one of the very few superawesome people i have ever met, and i'm sure he would make for a great friend even post-breakup, but i MYSELF would not...in that scenario i would drive both of us crazy with need and longing and sadness.

Maybe i will be able to maintain a formal contact after years have passed, but there's no way that the friendship would survive if he leaves me completely. I know the word is used too commonly and too superfluously these days, but i love him and need him to finally be with me.

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Heather
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So, am I understanding that your friendship with him -- and perhaps all the deep feelings you are expressing that you feel for him -- is conditional in terms of him only having romantic interest with you?

In other words, were he ever to develop romantic feelings for someone else, or be with someone else in the ways you want to be with him, you think you would choose to sever your friendship, even all contact with him, because you couldn't handle him wanting or having those romantic feelings/relationships with anyone but you?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Robin Lee
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You said something earlier in this thread that is interesting to me: You said that he discusses all his problems with you. Do you discuss your problems with him?

I'm also hearing, and I'm coming in late to the game so I might just be not catching up yet, that you consider yourself to be in a relationship with him but he considers himself to be single and not seeking a relationship? How does this difference in viewpoints feel right now? Not thinking about the future and what you should do, but just right now.

--------------------
Robin

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anastasiya
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Heather --

Yes, that is kind of true. This has to do with the dynamics of our relationship since the beginning...I have mostly always agreed to what he has said...in terms of sex, in terms of pausing the relationship when he wanted to...he has been the first person i ever loved and over the years i have poured a lot of emotional and physical energy into our relationship...my reason for not wanting to be friends with him post-breakup is why should i always be the one to compromise? Why should i always have to hide and ignore my feelings just so he can be comfortable with me...? In our relationship so far I have agreed to whatever conditions he has put...but it feel just too unfair to me that he wants everything on his terms all the time. He has even made pretty much every mistake you can make towards your girlfirend and he accepts that. While i must have made mine, i never directly happened to hurt him or cheat on him.

Considering that and the fact that i still have those deep feelings for him, why should i always be made to bend to what he thinks? Why must he always call all the shots -- whether he wants to be friends or lovers or anything in between...

The friendship might have survived were this to happen in the initial stages of the relationship...but somewhere along the way i passed the point of no return. He made all those 'forever' promises and finding reciprocation from him, my feelings just grew way too deep. If it would be a mutual breakup, i would be friends with him, but the breakup is against my wish. Effectively, he would be dumping me and to get over him i would need to get away from him.

Does this sound normal?

[ 12-28-2011, 02:42 AM: Message edited by: anastasiya ]

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anastasiya
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Robin --

Hi, thanks for replying. Yes i do discuss my problems and issues with him. In fact, i think i'm more emotionally dependent on him than he is on me.

Talking JUST about now, not factoring in what the future may or may not bring, the fact that he considers himself single really hurts me. The least he could have done was to say to me that it was just a break from the relationship to get some space or something, but he's very much insistent that he's single now and not AT ALL looking for any sort of romantic relationship.

Right now, this feels real bad. Especially when he flaunts his so-called singlehood in front of me, even if he's only kidding. Like he would tell me what girl at his college keeps flirting with him that week (he's sort of a popular guy), or talk to / text the girls that i know are interested in him while he is spending time with me...he apparently enjoys all that, enjoys their attention and doesn't get it that i don't like it. i get it that i have no control over the behavior of the other girls but he has some over himself, right? Couldn't he just NOT do the things that i feel flaunt his singlehood in front of me?

He knows my emotional reality very well. That i have loved him for 10 years and i go totally broken when he said he wanted to separate, and that i care for him so much, only wanting a little exclusivity in return, which he had for me earlier. Is that too much to ask?

[ 12-28-2011, 02:36 AM: Message edited by: anastasiya ]

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Robin Lee
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You say that he knows your emotional reality so well. What do you know of his?

I hear in your responses to Heather's question that you're frustrated because you've always gone along with what he's done and said. You have done this, I imagine, because you love him so much. My questions to you now is: What do his actions tell you he wants?

It takes two to make a relationship. It takes two to make a commitment, to make decisions about what the relationship is going to be like, to work together to develop that relationship. Right now I hear you saying that you really, really want a relationship with him, and that he is indifferent.

REgarding your wishes and desires to have an exclusive committed relationship with him:
"Is that too much to ask?"

What do you think?

--------------------
Robin

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anastasiya
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#1. "You say that he knows your emotional reality so well. What do you know of his?"

In general, he is an impulsive person who does have anger issues. He is very enthusiastic about stuff, but tends to get discouraged and disenchanted with things / ideas quite easily.

Specifically about the relationship, right now he is behaving in a kind of bipolar way. There are days when he is absolutely just like before and showers so much love and affection on me...and at other times neglects and doesn't pay attention to even the most sensitive of issues. This kind of behavior irritates me and i end up confronting him and telling him that he's being unfair to me and then he ends up yelling at me that my head is messed up and i should stop "sucking [his] blood".


#2. What do his actions tell you he wants?

Because of that weirdly oscillating behavior, i do not exactly know what he wants. I'm unable to figure out or guess whether there are any other motives behind taking a break from the relationship apart from what he states.

He seems to be happy technically being single but complains whenever there is any inadvertent lack of attention / affection from me.

#3. "REgarding your wishes and desires to have an exclusive committed relationship with him:
"Is that too much to ask?" What do you think?

Well I think it's not too much to ask, coz by his own admission, there is no other girl in his life and that i am very close to him. And by his own admission, i do give him "everything that a guy needs"...i talk to him as much as he wants, support him emotionally, do stuff for him, satisfy him sexually...all that, and he accepts it. So isn't it only fair that he do the same for me?

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Heather
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I think fairness isn't a sound thing to really think about when we're talking about what someone does and doesn't want. If he doesn't feel like he wants or is ready for the kind of relationship you do, he can't make himself want it, even if that would make it "fair." And I think we can probably agree that even if it might feel more fair for him to just suck it up and give you what you want, that's probably not how you want someone in that kind of relationship with you to be feeling.

I think it's pretty clear that he doesn't want what you do. Who knows if he will or he won't. So, I think what's left for you to do, and all you can do at this point, is decide -- again, doesn't have to be now, just as you go -- if doing this this way, with all of his limits, is working for you or not and is worth it for you, including worth potentially finding what you do want with someone else who wants the same thing and is ready for that.

(But too, if he's doing things like yelling at you and not managing his anger well, it seems like we might also need to talk about if this is even a healthy relationship and if your sense of all the good things about it you made up there in that list are really real. For instance, talking like you said he has with the bloodsucking business or yelling at you doesn't really speak to things you say are in this, like respect.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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anastasiya
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The long-term stuff is really of no immediate concern for me, and i can try to go along with what he wants. Trouble is, he himself probably doesn't know exactly.

For example the periodically conflicting behavior that i mentioned...at times he feels like lavishing affection on me and at other times yells and is extremely indifferent and insults and mocks me. Whenever he wants care / love / sex / pampering, he expects to get it and does, but the same doesn't apply to me. It's like our relationship is totally dominated by his moods and mood swings.

Per the list, the things in it apply to me, it's from my point-of-view. Of course the two-way things like communication and sex apply to both of us, but the rest of those deep feelings, they are all mine.

I keep getting pulled in different directions due to his behavior. I know the relationship isn't very healthy anymore...and i sometimes wish i could get emotionally detached enough to withdraw. But i have always had some body image issues that decrease my confidence. I know this guy since we were kids and consequently share a high level of comfort. To go out there and build all that up from scratch with someone who might end up leaving me too is scary...

[ 12-29-2011, 12:40 AM: Message edited by: anastasiya ]

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Robin Lee
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You give him everything he asks for when he asks for it, but you dont' get things you need and want when you ask for them.

This is telling me that you aren't getting what you want and need from this relationship. Leading a happy, healthy life isn't just about the presence of good things, it's also about the absence of bad things (as much as any of us can control that, of course).

I know you care a lot about this guy. I'm wondering if you love the person he is now, or the person he used to be? You have loved him for 10 years. Ten years is a long time. It's inevitable that he's a different person than he was then. For that matter, you are too. We all grow and change throughout our lives as we have different experiences; this is especially true for most people as they move through adolescence into grown-up-hood.

Just as an exercise, I'm wondering what you think your life would look like if you weren't still with him?

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Robin

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anastasiya
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When you put it that way, i love MORE the person he used to be. I love him now too, but i keep wishing he were more like before.

You're right that people change and evolve throughout their lives...but the basic nature, the basic tendencies of a person don't change, right?

If he were no longer with me, i suppose my life would be really empty. We met first in 7th grade and i had a crush on him instantly, and it just grew from then on. He had no idea for a long time. Then unexpectedly, he asked me out when we were in 11th grade and from that time our relationship continues until last year when he said he no longer wanted it but quite possibly would come back to me. Ever since then, we have this new version of the relationship which i have talked about above.

I am not a very extroverted / social person and it's mostly only him i talk to, most days. As in TALK talk, not just random chitchat. Whenever anything new / exciting happens to me, my first thought is to tell him about it...
If i were to get away from him, i suppose he would try to make me go according to his own idea, that we should keep talking as friends and all that...if i cut off all contact with him, i suppose for the initial part at least he would try hard to call and text and talk...maybe he will persuade me into maintaining friends-only contact and maybe i would give in to him coz i would miss him so much...but that will eventually make me feel way too miserable and angry at him.

When i think of a life without him in it, i don't know how it will be in the future, but i see sadness and longing for a long, long stretch. Over these years we've done so much stuff together that every place, every thing has become linked with some memory or the other...and in some of our worst quarrels, where we would not talk for days, i have had a taste of that sadness that came with him exiting my life. i don't know what to do.

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Robin Lee
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It's always fantastic when we can have that special person in our lives with whom we share our exciting (and difficult) things, but in general no person can serve another person's needs entirely. It's seldom a good idea for one person to be completely dependent on another, to the exclusion of relationships (friendship, acquaintanceship, family, etc) with other people. This doesn't mean that you've done something "wrong", but it does mean that now that he is not there for you in the ways you want him to be, you feel lost.

And you know, you always have a choice about how this continues. You say that you think he would "make you go according to his idea", but that doesn't mean you have to listen to him. I know it feels vulnerable becauseyour love for him has been such a big part of your life.

This doesn't mean that i'm telling you to cut things off. I'm just wondering if it's time to start thinking about living your life without him at the center of it.

It's good to startsmall, and it doesn't mean that you're going to meet your best friend or meet a new romantic partner. It's just about doing other things and talking with other people. Do you haveinterests that would bring you in contact with others, such as reading, sports (plaing or watching), doing volunteer work, and so on?Doing something like that can be a great way to start making a life of your own. This is important, even if you and your boyfriend do get together again. RElationships are often healthier when partnershave things that aren't just all about each other.

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Robin

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anastasiya
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Thank you so much for the support, robin and heather... [Smile] Hope you're having a great new year !

i'm definitely trying to decrease my dependence while still retaining the feelings, and most of all, just hoping for the best.

thanks [Smile]

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