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Author Topic: Outside perspective?
aveline
Neophyte
Member # 91909

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I'd really like an outsider's perspective on my relationship. I think I have a good, healthy relationship, but I've been fooled before.

On August 24th, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me. For two weeks after that, he toyed with my emotions, telling me "yes, we'll can start dating again after you graduate," and the like. We had finally decided on dating again then, when he stopped talking to me completely. He told me his family would stop sending him money for school if we continued seeing each other and that his dad hacked his computer and knew everything. So we stopped talking. He promised me we could still be friends, but it didn't happen that way. He told me he had forced the relationship to become serious in a short amount of time, wanting to have with me in the beginning what he had with his last ex after two years. I later found out from his roommate that he was going around calling me psychotic and an immature brat. It still hurts me a bit to think about it now, 4 months after we stopped talking.

While all this drama of the "are-we-or-aren't-we" relationship was going on, I becoming very interested in a boy in my history class. I started to look forward to seeing him every day. I would flirt with him, which he was oblivious to, and eventually asked him to homecoming with the encouragement of a very close mutual friend. For the weeks leading up to the dance, I was very nervous. We began texting each other, and he started to show interest. He sent me things like "You make me so happy". He had never had a girlfriend before, due to not being the type of boy most girls are interested in, at least not in high school, and so I had no idea at all if this was just how he talked to his female friends (which he had a lot of. Always the friend, never the boyfriend). Then, my ex stopped talking to me. It didn't hurt as badly as I thought it would, but it still hurt. He started inviting me to go to football games to see him (he's in marching band) and spent all of his break sneaking me soda from the band cooler and talking to me.

We had a ton of fun at homecoming, and we kissed, and from that point on, we started dating.

It's been three months since then. We've had sex, and we do so regularly--always protected (condoms and birth control). We've talked about the consequences and have a plan we both agreed on in case I ever get pregnant. We both view sex as being just as emotional and spiritual as physical. He always wants to kiss me and cuddle me and hold on to me like he's afraid I'll float away if he lets go. He has a lot of self-esteem issues and I've been trying to boost him up and make him feel better about himself. I think in some ways it's worked, but it makes me extremely frustrated at times. He has never lashed out at me or gotten angry, I'm the only who ends up yelling at him. We argue a lot, but it's usually just little things that are resolved in five-ten minutes max. We've had some big fights, including one where I made him cry and he said: "We've been fighting so much lately, I don't want to lose you". He's told me that when we first started dating, he was afraid I had ulterior motives because he couldn't imagine why a girl like me would want to date someone like him.

We've talked about our futures both as a couple and as individuals. We've only discussed plans for college as a couple, as we're juniors now and have to start seriously looking. We've talked about the chances of marriage and kids seperately, not necessarily as a couple. I've told him that I want to get married and have kids around 26. He's told me that he does want a family one day. I've said something like "When I have kids, I won't let them act like that," and he's responded with, "Yeah, our kids will be better," I don't even think he noticed it. Freudian slip or a simple misspeaking? I've no idea.

Well, the problem is that I'm afraid I'm doing the same to him that my ex did to me, and sometimes I'm worried that I'm not over my ex because sometimes I think back to our relationship and some of the special moments we shared and I miss them. I am as comfortable with my boyfriend as I was with my ex in the weeks before we broke up. I haven't made any promises I can't keep, but I am so scared that I'll end up hurting him. He's an amazing and sweet guy, and he doesn't deserve that. No one deserves that. I don't know. I need to hear what other people think.

Sorry for the long post.

TL;DR - I got played, might not be over him, am in a serious relationship, and am afraid I'm doing the same thing to him.

Posts: 4 | From: USA | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
moonlight bouncing off water
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Well, it doesn't sound to me like you're doing the same thing to your boyfriend as you're ex did to you. However it does sound like things are getting pretty serious pretty darn fast. You've been dating for 3 months and you're discussing plans for college as a couple? I don't think that that is the best thing for either of you. Decisions about college can potentially have an immense impact of the rest of your life and any future career and while it can be really tempting to choose to go to college X because you're partner will be there, even though you also got accepted to college Y and it's the one you wanted to go to before meeting this guy, it isn't the soundest decision. I'm not saying that that is happening at all, but I know just how easily that could happen.

How do you feel about the pace of your relationship?

I assume that by plans for college as a couple you mean living together and going to the same college (correct me if that assumption is wrong). As I stated above, that just seems way too emotionally serious for such a short time.

Can I ask, do you love your boyfriend?

If it weren't for college (which I am assuming is next year by your post, but again correct me if I'm wrong) next year, would you see the relationship progressing along the same sort of line?

Here's an article that might help with this (if you are indeed considering living together):

You, Them and a U-Haul: Considering Co-Habitation

Ultimately, what I am asking is how does this relationship make you feel and does it feel like it is a good, healthy fit for the both of you right now and in the future.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

Posts: 864 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
aveline
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Member # 91909

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My relationships tend to progress rather quickly, but when I say "discussing college" I don't really mean so as a couple. Well, we have, but not in a "we're definitely going to the same college" vibe. More so in a, "I'll probably be in the same general area as you, so there's a chance this relationship might not fall apart the minute we hit campus." way.

And I don't really have a preference for a particular college, honestly. Before we met, I was in vocation school for culinary arts and planning to apply to C.I.A, but the past semester as shown me that I absolutely hate working in the kitchen and would never want to do it every day. I have no real idea as to what I want to do after college. I love writing (it's my passion), but don't feel it's a stable enough job for someone like me, who wants to be able to have a family. I've been considering studying entrepeneurship/business mgmt or english/creative writing. Most college have these. And I feel like that since I could honestly say, at least at this point in time, that I'm indifferent about where I go to college (assuming they offer either English lit, creative writing, entrepeneurship, or business, and I visit and don't hate it) it wouldn't hurt to go to a school close to his. If I got into an Ivy League school (which isn't going to happen, but for argument's sake) I would obviously accept that opportunity.

Like I said, my relationships tend to progress quickly (I'm not interested in light flirting or a non-serious relationship. I consider myself courting rather than dating). Then they plateau or at least slow down. Our relationship moved in leaps and bounds the first two months, then we got to the point we are now--comfortable--and things slowed to a crawl. It seems very serious for a short amount of time, even I can see that, but I am not necessarily unhappy with it. I am extremely comfortable with him and I trust him completely. I do feel that I love him. In the short time we've been dating, he's been there for me every time something has gone wrong, and has supported me regardless of what it was. He's my best friend. We can talk about all the nerdy and dorky things we love, or watch bad movies, or discuss the psychological implications of a post-zombie-apocalypse world. We can do absolutely nothing at all, or we can just talk, for hours. We don't have a lot of "chemistry"--we didn't just "click"--both of us have put effort and time into being the person we need to be to be good signifigant other (i.e., I have a horrible habit of just submiting to people and doing whatever they ask. He and I are working on helping me learn to say no, for my sake and for the sake of our relationship. He has cripplingly low self-esteem, so together, we try to boost up his esteem and help him see past his flaws). I guess what I mean is that I know I love him because being with him makes me want to become a better person (for both of our benefits). I want to do things for him, like cook him dinner or buy him things or sex, not because I feel obligated to, but because it's what I want.

We're both juniors this year, so we'll be starting college in about a year and a half--August 2013.

If it weren't for college, I do think things would be going about the same. I feel like we'd want to move in together after we graduated regardless of the college situation.

I'm extremely happy in this relationship. I'm completely comfortable with my boyfriend, and I can see it going somewhere in the next few years if we both put effort into it. We know that it's possible for this to work out in the long run but that it isn't likely unless we work at it.

I think it's good for him as well. He tells me how he feels about things--be it positive or negative--when I ask him, and he hasn't said much to indicate that he is unhappy or uncomfortable with our relationship. I'llspecifically ask him that question tomorrow and report back with that he thinks.

Thanks for responding!

- Ava

Posts: 4 | From: USA | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
aveline
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I asked him what he thought about our relationship and this is exactly what he said: "I love how it's going now. I try to see you and spend time with you as much as I can. I feel like we are very close both physically and mentally. I love you and I hope this can last a very long time."
Posts: 4 | From: USA | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
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As long as you fully communicate - which it totally sounds you're already doing - with your partner, its unlikely you and he will wind up in an 'are we or aren't we situation.' It's perfectly okay to change you mind about a relationship, and want to end it, if someday you do; and sometimes our feelings just change on their own without us being able to stop them. That's perfectly okay too. As long as we're fully honest and openly communicate all our feelings to our partners, an 'are-we-or-aren't-we' situation can be fully avoided.

It's a good idea not to make promises about sometime in the future - as sometimes these don't materialise due to factors we can't control. It sounds like you have a great relationship right now in the present. I'm glad you've found someone who is more open and clear to share a relationship with.

[ 01-06-2012, 10:52 AM: Message edited by: Seashy Rae ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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