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Author Topic: My friend's reaction to my sex life =( Anyone? I just need to talk to someone
LivingLife1StepAtATime
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So I have 2 extremely close friends. My boyfriend and a best girlfriend since middle school. I also have another friend that I am very close to, but not like I am with my boyfriend and bestfriend (Lets call her Yvain.) Lets call my other friend... Kate.

Kate was aware that I had a physical relationship with my boyfriend, but she didn't know we were having intercourse. Now Kate had had sex with her (now ex)boyfriend and she was extremely irresponsible with it:

-She didn't use any form of birth control nor even attempted to get EC. Now I would have gotten it for her but she didn't tell me they didn't use a condom until well over a week later. -____-

-Her boyfriend and her were on really bad terms. As in they were fighting a lot and saying horrible things to each other.

-They had been in this situation for oh 3 or so months

-Having pre-marital sex was something that went against what she believed in.

She just wasn't ready to have sex in general, but she did anyway. She told me all about what it was like (I had had sex before her but she wasn't aware at this time) She told me how much it hurt, and how much she bleed and how she was crying, and scary,but it was great because now her boyfriend wouldn't leave her. I was outraged because of how poorly he had treated her =( I was really nice about it, but I told her she made a mistake. And wouldn't you know, he dumped her a few days later.

Now that was in... September of this year. Now I first had sex with my boyfriend in about... The beginning for August. It was a wonderful experience that I really loved. It didn't hurt and I was really relaxed and felt safe and in control. No bleeding either. It was actually almost story book perfect XD

So Kate told all of us and other friend about her having sex with her boyfriend and then they broke up and all that jazz. I hadn't of told Kate or Yvain about my first time having sex because I wanted to alone and in person. But the way Kate didn't take her and her boyfriend having seriously at all, made me really disgusted. And I know that sounds harsh but you didn't her talk about it. It made me feel sick.

I told Yvain about it because I knew she would take it seriously and I was really happy about that. Yvain understood why I had choose to have sex with my boyfriend.

So recently Kate found out about me and my boyfriend having sex and got really pissed that I didn't tell her. And know my entire school knows. My boyfriend and I are so embarrassed, I did not need my whole school talking about how I am having sex with my boyfriend and I have lost a a lot of friends because of this. Because I'm having sex with my boyfriend of over a year becomes, I'll have sex with anyone who wants it. Gotta Love Rumors. I'm just really hurt and want to know if anyone has ever felt this way before or has any advice for me?

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WesLuck
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Heather or others, do you have some comments? It's been a few days, I'm just wondering if you've read it.
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Violet1234
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I'm sorry that this situation has happened to you! I can't say anything of the sort has ever happened to me, but that doesn't mean that there aren't others out there who know what you're going through because it happened to them.

I do know, however, that your sex life is between you and your partner, and it's really not okay for someone to condemn you as a person or otherwise because of it. It's no one's else's business if you are having sex with your boyfriend or not- both of you doing so doesn't affect them.

Also, it's really great that you had a wonderful experience! On the subject of your friend Kate, do you think she is/was mad at you because you had sex, or because you didn't tell her? Or something else entirely?

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LivingLife1StepAtATime
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Thank you so much.

And Kate isn't even talking to me at this point. She told me that she was mad because I didn't tell her, then she called me a whore, told the whole school and now I have the worst time getting through school. I'm sick of people asking me is the sex is good and now everyone thinks I'm "easy". And my boyfriend is extremely uncomfortable too as he didn't want people knowing about it either. Sex is something that is deeply emotional for the two of us and I dont want to be called a whore for that. Everyone just thinks its impossible to actually make love, when all people think we are doing is f*cking. Those a two totally differant things and =/ I dont know. Its just been hard

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Violet1234
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That sounds really rough!

I personally don't think words like "whore" and such- you know, ones that degrade people based on what kind/how much sex that are having (and almost exclusively women, urrg)- are ever okay to call someone. As I mentioned before, I think that a person's sex choices are their business and their business alone. And anyway, it's not like our sex lives are our entire identity!

On the subject of both you and your boyfriend being basically harassed by a large number of people (if you wouldn't call it harassment, please say), do you think that it will die down quickly, or do you think it will stay the same or get worse?

Because either way, reporting those who are harassing you guys to the administration might be a course of action you could consider here. You should not have to go to school feeling uncomfortable and threatened.

Also, if you do think that's what you want to do, would either you or your boyfriend be able to get support from your respective parents?

[ 12-12-2011, 08:52 PM: Message edited by: Violet1234 ]

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LivingLife1StepAtATime
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I mean, Ive been teased about it from the whole school (well more like my grade) for about... 3 days but my high school is huge so it quickly blew over. There is this one group of people that never liked me very much because I a have a very... honest personality. Those 15 or so people have been harassing me and my boyfriend for a while now. And Kates the one leading them.

I really dont wana talk to the school admin because my guidance counselor is out for the rest of the year because her son resently was killed in a car accident. I dont feel comfortable taking about something like this with the other one for my grade.

I could tell my mom, but she is the only one of my parents or my boyfriend's parents to know I'm sexually active. And she isn't exactly fond of that either.

I think I just need some help being able to stand up for myself and my boyfriend. Any advice? This is just wayyy tooo much stress, and with midterms coming up I'm just at my limit

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Violet1234
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Sorry it took a while to get back to you, I've been sick [Frown]

So, for starters, lets state your goal: to not be harassed about your sex life anymore, right? (If you would word it differently, please say so).

Now, other people are entirely responsible for their actions, but setting your boundaries clearly can be helpful. In addition, if you write down what the people say to you (no matter how offensive) and then show that to, say, a teacher, not necessarily a guidance counselor, then you have proof, and can demand that that person in particular does something about it, or advise you on handling it.

If one of them says something harassing, you can say in return something like, "What me and my boyfriend do is none of your business. Stop harassing me." It's clear, and it gets the point across. (I don't know if you've done this or not yet, sorry if the assumption that you haven't is false)

If they continue harassing you, then you could again report it to a teacher, who should stop it in their classroom at least.

Also, have you talked with your boyfriend about this? It sounds like it's upset you a lot, and so it probably has been hard for him too. He might have some ideas for a course of action.

What I'm basically trying to say is that the admin at your school's job is to keep their students in a safe environment for learning.

Harassment stops this from happening, and so it's totally reasonable to expect them to do something about it. (Again, probably the best way to push the situation in the admins faces is to write down what the people say, because recorded evidence = louder yell.)

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LivingLife1StepAtATime
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Ive never addressed the group of people that are harassing me. In the past after a while, if I ignored them they would stop. Normally what people say to me doesn't bother me in the least. But this time it is bothering me a lot. I'll be sure to say something like that.

I do have one teacher I could talk to about something like this, he would understand and help me. But if I don't have to I really dont want to talk to him about this.

I have talked to my boyfriend and he is really upset about it. At first he was really mad at Kate, but now the only thing that is bother him is how bad I feel about everything, and the guys that try to get me to sleep with them.

I used to be a very self conscious person with a really low self esteem, however since my boyfriend and I got together my self esteem has shot through the roof, and I can look in the mirror and feel good about myself. But.. I feel like Im slipping back into the old me because of this.

Tomorrow I am going to stand up for myself. I am going to tell them what they are doing is not ok. I am not going to allow them to make my life miserable. I am going to be free of that. I am. Even if I have to get help from a teacher. I am going to do this. =) I'll let you know how this goes after school tomorrow. I'm kinda nervous

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Violet1234
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Good for you! To me, you sound strong and capable [Smile]

And remember, this is by no means the end-all course of action. If it doesn't turn out how you want it to, there are lots of other things you can do.

You might want to have your boyfriend with you when you say your piece, and also tell him how you want to handle this. That way, you have back up. You can also hear his opinion on who might be the best person to report the harassment to.

So just to summarize what I said earlier in a hopefully less garbled way (idk if you find it garbled, cause I sure do):

1. Make sure to write down what they say to you (harassment wise, throughout all the steps). Super important.

2. Tell them to back off.

3. If they do, great! If they don't, report them with the proof of what they said to back you up.

May the force be with you [Smile]

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WesLuck
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My best wishes to you too. [Smile]
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LivingLife1StepAtATime
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So I was in the bathroom before school to get myself a quick pep-talk. And I had a little note book with me so I could write down that they all were saying to me.

But in the bathroom was one of the girls that has been harassing me, lets call her Dalia. She was crying and I asked her what was wrong and shes pregnant, and her boyfriend left her.

I kinda chickened out standing up to them before school had started, but at lunch when the group started to say things to me Dalia stood up for me. =) She told them to chill out and that they were all hypocrites because their all having sex with their boyfriends too. They stopped =) I dont know if they will start back up tomorrow but for the rest of they day they ignored me =) Thank you so much, for once... I'm getting home in a good mood

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Violet1234
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That's great! It's good that you're happy. I'd keep the notebook with you, just so you always have a back up plan if something similar happens again.

It's sounds to me like all these people (the ones who are harassing you) have a really negative view of sex. They see it as a bad thing, at least judging from how they treated you, which must be really confusing for them, and hurtful for you and others they take it out on.

The sad thing about that is that as you know, sex isn't a inherently a bad thing at all! It can be a really fun and awesome thing.

And the problem with people thinking that sex is bad, period, or that a person is never supposed to enjoy it, is that if it does roll along in their life, they are completely unprepared to deal with a the way that they might want to (like making sure to use condoms or birth control- sometimes people don't know anything about contraceptives, but if they did would definitely have used them).

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Violet1234
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Speaking of which, how happy are you and your boyfriend in the contraceptives department? There's a lot of of really great articles on Scarleteen that go in depth into pregnancy and STD prevention, if you have any questions or anything. I don't know if you've seen them.

You guys might want to take a look at some of the articles together, so if you ever want to switch methods or something like that both if you have lots of information to do so [Smile]

[ 12-15-2011, 04:11 PM: Message edited by: Violet1234 ]

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LivingLife1StepAtATime
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Yeah I know what you mean Violet =( Sex is physically fun and yeah it feels good but sex emotionally, for me and my boyfriend, is just amazing. Its the best thing on earth for the two of us! I just wish people would understand we have sex for the emotional aspect of it, not the physical.

And we used the pill (Beyaz) and condoms as contraceptives =) I take my pill perfectly and we only have sex when my pills are at full strength. Just in case one breakes =)

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Violet1234
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I'm glad you guys have it all figured out [Smile] I just wanted to make sure, just in case.

quote:
Its the best thing on earth for the two of us! I just wish people would understand we have sex for the emotional aspect of it, not the physical.
I just wanted to bring up something I thought about when I read this. You know, it's totally okay for people to have sex for the physical aspect too.

It sounds like an emotional connection is something you really value and think is crucial to have in a sexual partner. And that's fine, because it's what you want. And your wants and needs are the most important things to consider in choices about your sex life (and your partner's too, but I'm talking more about choosing a partner-type things).

But not having an emotional connection with a sexual partner doesn't makes someone a bad person, or excuse people harassing them. Nothing you did could justify being harassed, and other people having lots of casual sex don't deserve to be harassed either. Make sense?

[ 12-16-2011, 11:48 AM: Message edited by: Violet1234 ]

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Kachina
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quote:
I take my pill perfectly and we only have sex when my pills are at full strength.
I just wanted to let you know that your pill is "full strength" the entire time you are taking it. There is no time it is more or less effective than another, if you are taking it correctly it keeps you from ovulating for the entire pack. So if the condom breaks the pill will still cover you. [Smile]

How do birth control pills really work, even during the placebo period?

--------------------
~Kat
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Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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LivingLife1StepAtATime
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I know that Violet, there is nothing wrong with haing sex just for the physical part but I do feel offened when I tell people "When I have sex its because of the emotions I feel during it" and people are like, "BS" is when I get upset.

And KatWA, what I mean is like... I was on antibiotics this month for a sinus infection (I hate them SO MUCH >=K) and I was told the antibiotic would affect my pills. So, I am not having sex this month, but next month I will because the antibiotics won't affect my next pill pack correct? Thats what I mean by "full strength"

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Violet1234
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Oh, okay, I just wanted to make sure that you knew that there's never a situation where harassment is justified, but it sounds like you've got that figured out yourself [Smile] !

So, it appears as though the situation is resolved, right? Is there anything else you want to talk about?

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Kachina
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Oh, that makes sense, LivingLife. Yes, some antibiotics DO affect the pill. Sounds like you are being very careful then [Smile]

Thank you Violet for helping LivingLife! It looks like you really helped sort it all out.

--------------------
~Kat
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Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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LivingLife1StepAtATime
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Yes I'm not having any issues with school any more =)

There isn't anything I think I need help with anymore. I'm using good contraceptives, I'm in a good stable relationship. =)

I do want to thank you all for being so kinda and helpful. This site has helped me so much, and it is just plain interesting to read too =)

God (or Allah, or Yahweh, or Vishnu, or Buddha, or the lucky stars if your not into religion, whatever floats your boat) bless you all =)

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Violet1234
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Wonderful! And I'm glad to help [Smile] .
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