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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Emotional Wreck in front of Boyfried

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Author Topic: Emotional Wreck in front of Boyfried
BustaEve
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Hi all,

Background info: my boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about 5 months, although it's only recently that we've actually started using the term "girlfriend" and "boyfriend". Perhaps, because I was worried if it became 'official' then it would end.
Also, next week he is going overseas for 3 months and I'm feeling upset about that.

Anyway, approximately 3 times now I have got really emotional in front of him, and I feel awful about it. Awful because I don't want him to see me like that, with my flaws exposed, and often because indirectly it's because of him that I feel that way. (i'll explain in further paragraphs).

Last night I went to his house to help him prepare for an exam this morning. Although, we nearly always have some kind of sex when we meet I assumed we wouldn't last night as he was concentrating on his exam and I knew it was important for him to get a good night's sleep.

We were in bed and after about 5 minutes he cuddled up close to me, which was nice, and then he was touching my body. I do enjoy this, but it may have been nice for him to say something, such as a compliment about me or just something like "do you want to play around for a while?"

So things progressed, and he was touching me in the "right" areas (as in the spots which he usually does that gets me aroused) but I wasn't really feeling it, which is unusual because I nearly always want to be physical with him. I feel that if he initiates anything then I should go with it, because they'll be other times when I'll want to do something and he want, so I should take the opportunity while it's there.

Sometimes I find it difficult to express how I'm feeling when we are engaging in sexual activities. So instead of saying that I wasn't feeling it and could we maybe try something else or just stop altogether, I performed oral sex on him knowing that he would orgasm and soon it (sexual activity) would be over.

However, and this has happened a couple of times before, whenever I feel that it's mainly me doing the work and he's experiencing most of the pleasure I usually feel a mixture of sadness/anger/resentment. Therefore, as soon as he came, I quickly went to the bathroom (to wash my face) and then I went to his pantry and started eating (I binge eat when I can't deal with emotions etc). I was trying really hard to keep it together, stuffing my face with food so I wouldn't cry, but then everything just got too much and I collapsed on him and started crying.

My boyfriend was pretty good about it, and he asked me why I felt that way. I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I felt "used" after performing oral on him with little pleasure in it for me (I'd also done this on Saturday and Tuesday of this week), and also because he had tried to get me aroused: it's just my body wouldn't respond. I was able to explain that I sometimes I felt like he was just with me because of the things I do for him, ie. helping him with uni assignments and giving him oral.
I felt really bad though, because I don't think he consciously does this and he has told me before that if I ever need help with anything I should just ask.

I'm worried that if I keep getting emotional in front of him, then he'll see me as emotionally unstable and he'll end the relationship.

I really wish I had just kept it together and I so regret eating and getting upset.

I'm not really sure what, if any advice, the Scarleteen team can give me, but any thoughts would be appreciated.

I don't want to lose him.

Posts: 77 | From: Australia | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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I actually happen to think that it's not that bad to allow your partner to see you when you are down. After all, part of being in a relationship is being able to share yourself with your partner, and that includes the good as well as the bad. Sometimes, we are having a bad day, or we're not feeling well, or we're upset, and a good partner will be able to handle that and be there for you.

But I do see a couple of things were you could try to make a change. The first one would be the level of communication in the relationship. It sounds to me like you did not feel comfortable, or able to, tell your partner that you were not interested in sex. We're not always going to be up for sex: sometimes we're tired, or not feeling well, or just not in the mood. Humans aren't machines, and they're certainly not sex machines. So it should be perfectly fine to just speak up when that's the case. Do you have any sense for why you could not do that?

Secondly, and in connection with that, it's rarely a good idea to perform sexual acts on someone else to keep them happy if you're not into it. If you're not into any stimulation yourself for the moment, but are more than happy to do something for your partner because that is something you want and get something out of, as well, that's one thing. But doing it simply out of a sense of duty or obligation is pretty much guaranteed to leave you feeling crappy. And, well, that's what happened to you, and that's hardly surprising. So, to keep from feeling regretful and used, you'll want to talk to your partner next time and let him know what's up beforehand. Any caring, respectful partner would rather go without sex for a night, than have sex that the other person isn't into at all.

For both of those points, it may be helpful for you to take a look at this article: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

And lastly, have you ever had any help around your binge eating? Not only us that a potentially unhealthy eating habit, but it also means that you would benefit greatly from learning how to process and express your emotions better. It might be a good idea to see a counselor who could, first of all, show you some alternative tools for coping with intense emotions, and then work with you to develop better communication skills.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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BustaEve
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Thanks for the reply September.

I didn't want to say 'no' to sex because it is something I enjoy and I thought it might be okay. Also, as mentioned there are times when I want to do things and he doesn't, so I feel if he's willing, then I should be to.

Thank-you for the link, it's a great article.

Re the binge eating: I've seen numerous professionals, self-help groups etc and it is getting better but lapses still occur.

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Saffron Raymie
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Hi BustaEve, can I just check in with you: those times you mentioned where your partner does not want to have any kind of sex - do you think he would say no to engaging in those activities?

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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BustaEve
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I think he would say no.
We had a conversation once before, it was after we had had sex, and to be frank the sex wasn't very good at all. I wanted to have sex but in hindsight he wasn't really up for it (he was stressed about uni and other things).
We agreed that we should only engage in sexual activities when we both really want to. And in theory that's a great agreement, but I still find myself doing stuff for him when I don't feel 100% comfortable doing it.

It's mainly that I feel "used" if I perform oral on him and he doesn't do as much as I'd like for me to feel good.

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Saffron Raymie
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Sex isn't something we do 'for' someone else; it's something we share together. Consent is important - not just seeking it out from our partners but also from ourselves. That's a big part of getting consent right. Have you had a look at these links?

Navigating Consent

Safer Sex - For Your Heart

When we talk about being ready for sex, we don't just mean that first time you have any kind of sex. Sex readiness is something we assess very often, and sometime we will be ready, and sometimes not. Here's our checklist for you to have a look over to see if sex is the right thing for you right now, or sometimes it, and sometimes isn't: Sex Readiness.

On top of that, there's also the option of slowing down and taking sex at a more gentler pace while you discover what you like sexually, via masturbation or feeling more able to say 'no' or 'not now' or 'I don't feeling like doing oral sex right now' or 'I'm not sure if oral sex with a penis is my thing.' Here's a link for How to Slow Down.

Have you had a think about what you would like to do together so that you feel good? Also, is oral sex with his penis something you really enjoy doing in general? Or do you really dislike it?

[ 11-21-2011, 04:56 AM: Message edited by: RaeRay2112 ]

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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BustaEve
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Hi RaeRay2112/Chellie Rae,

Thank-you for the links. I've looked around the website quite a bit, but somehow have missed the Safer Sex - For Your Heart and Navigating Consent. (I've just skimmed them for now, but I am going to closely read them again when I have some time).

In all honesty I am not a fan of performing oral. Sometimes I don't mind it when if I feel really aroused and good and I want my boyfriend to feel the same. It's also better if he puts his hands or my back or arms, or touches me in someway so I feel we're still connected, as opposed to me just 'servicing' him.

But in general if I'm with a guy I perform oral because they want it/expect it.

At the beginning of the relationship the sex was gnerally really good, but the relationship was based primarily on sex. Now that we know each other better, have more emotional attachments and intimacy, I somehow feel the sex maybe isn't as good, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Maybe it's because initially I thought this guy and I would just see each other for a short time and I wouldn't let myself get too emotionally involved. Or maybe, we've just become bored with what we are doing.

Another thing, looking at what Consent Is and Isn't, I guess I feel like sometimes he doesn't pick up on my non-verbal cues.
To clarify, if whatever he is doing makes me feel good/turned on etc, then generally speaking I'm pretty vocal about it and it's clear I'm having fun. SOmetimes though, when whatever we are doing is not as much fun, and I dont' feel able to say something specific like 'stop' or 'let's do something else' etc, then I feel like he doesn't realise that I'm not enyoing myself.
But maybe I'm expecting too much from him, as in I can't expect him to be a mindreader.

I worry also, that because we've done things in the past that perhaps I wasn't enjoying all that much, but did anyway because I wanted him to like me, that if now I say I don't really want to do X or Y, then it will be awkward.

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Saffron Raymie
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Hi BustaEve; just thinking, have you taken a look at this one? Reciprocity, Reloaded. It talks a lot about how nobody really is ever 'performing' or 'giving' oral sex to their partner; it's a shared experience in which both people are very much enjoying what they are doing. For sure, sometimes making a partner feel good is a big turn on for us, but sometimes, with any given activity or any given time or mood; it's just not doing anything for us - whether that's for now of for always. That's when we need to communicate that there is a problem.

There's an awful lot of myths that fellato 'needs' to be part of sexual activity - most of which comes from pornography. It's just not true. Not all people with a penis find it to be their most favourite thing about sex, and not all folks like to enage in fellato. Have you and your partner ever talked about how he feels about it, and just as importantly, how you do? If you don't want to completely take that activity off the table, which would be perfectly okay and sound, but instead what to change the circumstances under which you both engage in the activity, that would be anither good thing to talk about with him. Maybe work out a situation in which if fellato occurs, he hugs or caresses you during; or does something you like doing sexually at the smae time?

One of the things we know for certain about human sexuality is that what is most common is diversity. We are all very complex individual people with very own unique sexualities. We all like and dislkike different things; for a whole host of reasons. Another thing we know for certain is that sexuality is fluid and flexible; it can change. Sometimes we really love doing a certain activity with a certain person - then all of a sudden, we just don't find it interseting anymore. And that's okay; sexuality is a lifelong learning process, ever changing and shifting. Simply becasue you've had a little trouble communicating about sex at first, doesn't mean that that cannot, or should not, be fixed. Consent is an ongoing process, we can't give consent to something once and then have it take as a given that we'll always say yes to that activity, just because we said yes in the past. Sexuality and consent are too fluid to work like that. Do you understand what I mean there?

My best advice to you would be to talk to your boyfriend. Communication is an extremely important part of sex and of healthy relationships. Do you think you'd be able to speak to your boyfriend about not being that turned on by fellato, and about it not working for you as a shared sexual activity? Do you think you can be open and honest about how that particular activity has been leading you to feel lately, and how you'd like to talk about either stopping it and doing other things you both enjoy - or finding a way to make it pleasurable for you both? Or both: taking it off the table and doing other things until you can work together to make it mutually enjoyable?

[ 11-23-2011, 08:01 AM: Message edited by: RaeRay2112 ]

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Saffron Raymie
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5 months might not be long enough to start using non-verbal methods of consent. Non-verbal methods can work for some people who are used to communicating in non-verbal ways when the situation isn't sexual. Some poeple have been sexual partners for decades and still cannot rely on non-verbal consent; usually because one or both people have difficulty reading signs like that. Again, that's down to peoples' huge diversity, not about expecting someone to be a mindreader; some people are awesome at reading body language, some not so much, some are in non-sexual situations but not sexual or other sistuations where they can get caught up in excitement.

It might be time to move on to soley using words for your ongoing, shared sexual consent. Something else to help this are consent check-ins. As it's both partner's responsibilty to ensure that the sex they having is fully consensual, it's a good idea for you both to be checking in with questions like: 'How does this feel? Are you still liking this? Are you comfortable? Is there anything you need or want right now? You seem quiet: are you okay? Anything I should stop doing or do that I’m not doing? I feel good: are you feeling good?'

If words seem a little difficult at first, how about maybe creating some kind of system together? Perhaps come up with a safeword or a stopword; one word that you can agree means 'stop' or one that means 'slow down'? For instance, some people use the traffic light system, in which 'red' means immediately stop, 'yellow' means 'slow down' or 'I'd like something different.' Another form of consent some people use is to use a gesture that means 'stop' or one that means 'slow down' such as holding our their hands or tapping on the bed posts or bed frame.

So, if he asked for fellato after you'd talked about not being so keen on it, you could use your safeword.

[ 11-23-2011, 07:53 AM: Message edited by: RaeRay2112 ]

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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BustaEve
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Thanks so much for your reply [Smile]

I definately agree communication is important and I will bring up the issue of fellatio with him. I will explain how I feel and the circumstances under which I'd be happy to engage in oral sex. For the record he has explained he really enjoys oral (receiving) and I think if I establish some boundaries surrounding it, I would feel more comfortable, and enjoy it more.

Thanks for your input on consent and non-verbal cues. The concept of the traffic light system seems helpful and something that could be used by us.

Again, thanks Scarleteen!

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Saffron Raymie
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You're very welcome, and those sound like great ideas. [Smile]

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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