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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Is my ex acting out of order here?

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Author Topic: Is my ex acting out of order here?
Burdened with glorious booty
Member # 93241

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Okay, so my dating history with this guy is a bit weird. We've known each other since we were 13/14 (I'm nearly 19 and he's 20), and he fancied me back then, but we never dated because I was unsure of myself. Over the years, I've had real on-off feelings for him - it's like he's my friend first and foremost, but I find it very easy to fall in love with him. Late February of this year, I decided to bite the bullet and ask him out, and in early March, we started dating long distance. This was a big deal for me - he was my first ever boyfriend, and he's the first person I've ever been sexually attracted to. He seemed to adore me just as much then as he did when he first confessed that he liked me when we were younger, so it wasn't so one-sided. However, mid-July time, a week before I was going to visit his house for the first time to celebrate his birthday, he tells me that he was uncertain of the relationship and he was considering going on a break. Now, the second he said this, I KNEW we were done, because even if he'd decided not to go on the break, the doubt would still be there. I went to his house still, and despite the plans I'd had before he announced his doubts, we didn't have sex. His reasons for the break were that he missed me too much when I was away, and that me visiting him (or, as it usually was, him visiting me) once or twice a month wasn't enough to keep him happy, and that he was too emotionally immature (his words, not mine) to handle a long distance relationship. I was upset at first, but I figured that some people just can't do those kinds of relationships, and so I went back to being "just friends" with him with no hard feelings.

Fast forward to now, and I'm getting kind of tired of his behaviour. We've only talked a few times since the break, and I've gotten over the upset of it all, but in all those conversations since, he's been subtly (and not so subtly) flirting with me and using cute pet names for me (he still greets me with "Hi, gorgeous!" and "Hi, Sweetie!" a lot of the time). I didn't really mind this - I thought it was odd that he kept doing it when we weren't together, but I figured that it was just how he talked to girls that he liked, and I like flirting with him because we're both quite witty and the banter that I end up with is usually very funny and sweet. Yesterday, however, I had a conversation with him where I felt he crossed the line.

Immediately after saying hello, he asked if he could visit me. This is fine - I like seeing him, he can come over if he wants. I'm at uni now, so we could have more leeway about what times he arrives and leaves and more space to hang out and chat. However, as we discussed him staying overnight, he started saying things like "Sleeping on the floor would be impossible for me, because I'd just end up sneaking into bed with you for a cuddle," and discussing possible outings kind of felt like we were organising a date (he was disputing who should pay for dinner while he was round and stuff), and at one point he explicitly told me that "Just cause we ain't together don't mean I don't love you or fancy the pants off you." (his typing is awful, by the way, but I let it slide).

I went along with this, again because it's fun and sweet and it's VERY easy for me to fall back in love with this guy. But when the talking was done with, I started to feel angry. First, I was angry at myself for going along with all of it when we weren't together, but now I'm angry at him. Because I don't know what the hell he wants. He's sending me real mixed messages here - so he can't have a relationship with me, but he's perfectly happy to flirt with me and act like we never broke up? Sounds kind of like bullshit to me. But usually when I mention it to people, they're either agreeing that it's out of order, or they ask me why it's such a problem.

So I'm going to discuss this with him tonight, but I honestly don't know what to do. He's a lovely guy, a real gentleman and sweetheart, so I hate having to paint him in a bad light here, especially since he was REALLY respectful about my...quirks, shall we say. Should we just cut the crap and get back together? Should I perhaps discuss some variation of commitment with him, where we could both date other people but still be kind of together? I mean, he did mention when I was like "I kind of don't understand what I'm meant to do with all of this", that it should be less about dating and more about just spending time together. I don't want to kick him to the kerb or stop being his friend, and again, I kind of like the flirting, so I don't know how I'd feel if it were absent.

So yeah, I'm a little bit confuzzled.


Posts: 130 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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It sounds like in order to get un-confused, it's really him you need to talk to first, asking and saying pretty much all that you have right here.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 51221

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It sounds to me like you guys had two differing ideas about what "taking a break" meant. I definitely agree that talking to him is the best way forward here.
Posts: 27 | From: US | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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