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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » My Sexual Desire is Ruining my Relationship

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Author Topic: My Sexual Desire is Ruining my Relationship
neoed23
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I have been with my girlfriend for 4 and a half years now, and we still both live apart due to university.

Recently I find myself even deeper in a pressing issue that is going to ruin my relationship with the person i love the most in the world.

I feel i may be, not abnormal, but different to other men my age. I'm 21, and generally have many sexual urges which sometimes i find hard to control. I admit this is a poor excuse, and my girlfriend and I have had arguments about this many times. I know that different individuals have different levels of desire, but either mine is much higher than usual, or hers is lower than mine and it's causing issues. Please note I am not being a sexist pig and blaming her for this. I just need help.

I feel that it probably is my fault. I push her into talking about sex, or even having sex a lot. Not because i need to but because i want to. just with her. It's not an addiction per se (or maybe it is?) but i know it hurts her. She feels used and I don't want her to ever feel like that.

I generally feel the urge to masturbate about once a day. But sometimes i feel that my girlfriend could engage with me more sexually, especially as we are separated geographically, and the odd dirty message or even naughty skype would be plesant. Am I unusual in wanting this? I feel that it's causing such an issue, i don't know where to begin to address it.

For the moment, the most obvious way of starting it to learn to hide my desires from her, but i know there will always be the issue, and for the sake of us, i need help sorting it.

I would be very grateful for all the advice you can give.

Thank you

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Heather
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Just to make sure I am not misunderstanding, are you saying that you talk about sex when your partner has made clear she doesn't want to, and that you also have coerced her into sexual activity when that's not what she has wanted?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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neoed23
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not entirely no. I have spoken about it and she has seemed to talk to a point, then she suddenly snaps and says that's "all you ever talk about".

I perhaps try to initiate sexual intimacy, but not after she has told me to top. I just feel i do it more often than she would obviously perhaps like

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neoed23
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not entirely no. I have spoken about it and she has seemed to talk to a point, then she suddenly snaps and says that's "all you ever talk about".

I perhaps try to initiate sexual intimacy, but not after she has told me to stop. I just feel i do it more often than she would obviously perhaps like.

It's not a case that i pursue sexual acts continuously once she has said no. It's just i perhaps initiate them more frequently.

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Heather
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Okay.

I still want to make sure I'm coming at this the right way: am I getting that you feel you are thinking about sex, wanting to talk about it, and inviting your partner to engage in sex with you more than you should based on what YOU think is normal or sound or common for others? Or is it -- or also -- that your partner is expressing all of this is happening more often than she feels comfortable with?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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neoed23
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It's both.

I feel that i think and lust for it more than 'Normal' (although i know there is no real way to define normal) and also that she feels it's happening more than often.

For example, we won't see each other for around 4 weeks, and when we do, we get only 2-3 nights together. She will maybe only want to make love once over those few days. I suppose i feel we should do it more often and that's where the problems lie?

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Heather
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All I'm seeing in that example is a difference in desire. I'm not seeing hers or yours as normal or abnormal.

The only place, so far, in any of this where I see a cause for concern is a) the way you're feeling about this, and b) you expressing that you feel you cannot control acting on your desires, even though it's sounding like you have, in fact, been able to have self-control with them.

It's fairly common for couples to be different with how often they want to be sexual together, or how large a part they want sex to be in their relationship. That doesn't mean the "higher" or "lower" person has anything wrong with them, just that those two people are dissimilar in that respect, be that altogether, or at a give time.

Can you maybe tell me why it feels like what sounds like just a difference is ruining your relationship?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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neoed23
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I think it's because she feels i want it too much. I admit there have been times when i've pushed it more than i should and have hurt/upset her at the same time. But these times are rare, and i do everything i can to control it.

The reason it feels it may ruin us is because i dont think perhaps that she fully understand that we have different desires. I have tried explaining that to her and she says it's an excuse that i have, and i think she just views me as a sexual predator or something. Or at least that's how i'm meant to feel. She over reacts. Says "why can't i just cuddle". I can try, but sometimes i feel i want more. I say i do, and then she snaps, gets cold and we have arguments.

The arguments can be so intense that she is very vicious and says i will lose her if this continues. I don't see how i can cut back any more than i already do to prevent hurting her.

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Heather
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Again, I'm feeling confused by what you mean when you say "pushed."

Unless you are being predatory and are forcing or coercing her around sex, then it sounds like the problem here isn't your desires, or anything being abnormal about the level of them, but that there isn't room right now in your relationship for you two to be different in this respect.

Now, if she makes clear she just wants to cuddle at a given time and that's all, then yeah, you need to stick to cuddling and not ask for more, since she's set a limit. But her saying things like you're making excuses when you want to work through the ways you two are different and find ways to make that work for both of you is something else.

I'm afraid I have to head off to go give a medical student training, and then I'm out all day tomorrow giving a training to another group. But I'll be back Thursday, and we can talk more then if you want, or you can keep talking with anyone else who is around, too.

But I think as a next step it might help me understand a bit more if I knew more about if this has always been an issue, how the rest of your relationship is as a whole, and if you two have ever been able to have good talks about any ways you are different around something big, not just sex. I'm wondering if the way things are going around this is a) new or a constant and b) like other parts of your relationship or very different from how the rest of your relationship is going.

I'm sorry to have to run off right as we're getting started. [Frown]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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