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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Relationship/Dating Help Needed

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Author Topic: Relationship/Dating Help Needed
PurpleShore9
Neophyte
Member # 83968

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I am having a lot of issues with dating. I have never been on a date, been kissed, or been in a relationship. And I don't know how or what to do to enter into a relationship.

And I seriously know absolutely nothing. How do I act in front of a girl? How do I know if a girl likes me? How can I gain self-confidence (I am very overweight)? How does the whole process go from friends to asking her on a date to the first date (and how the first date goes) to the first kiss to asking her to be my girlfriend?

If anyone can give me even a rough idea of how the process works (and reassurance as well - I feel like I'm damaged goods because no one will even go on a date with me), I would greatly appreciate it.

Posts: 12 | From: Florida | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

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There is only one thing to know. Respect the girl as an individual - someone who knows her own desires and wishes, and can be attracted to who you really are.

There are no processes, formulas or rules on how to act. Dating follows no patterns. Every person is different. Every experience will be different. One girl cannot represent her entire gender, she will be a individual. Be honest; it's honest to just act like yourself. Acting like someone you're not can make people feel that you aren't honest. In just being you, she can see for herself if she feels attracted to you without needing to be fooled into thinking you're someone you're not, which cannot last anyway, and may lead her to be disillusioned and angry when she finds you were actually putting on an act to trick her. It could also get in the way of you becoming involved with someone who likes the way you really are, who you click with better, who really cares for you - if you know what I mean?

I think a good plan here would be to ditch calling yourself 'damaged goods.' Not only is it pretty hard on yourself, which is never helpful, it's also inaccurate. In the media, we see an incredibly distorted version of sexual attraction. All the 'boys' depicted as 'desirable' (which always changes anyway, deending on who you ask) are muscular, slim; usually with gelled hair - all the 'girls' portrayed as 'desirable' are slim, have small facial features and wear make-up. This isn't how it works in real life. What we find attractive is a very individual thing, and covers a very wide range of personalities, looks, mannerisms, past experiences, belief systems, values, senses of humor, background, hopes and dreams, fears etc.

Many, many people prefer bigger sized people. Honestly, some people who meet our culture's weird beauty standards find they are only ever attracted to big people. Some people - whatever they're body size - just don't takle body size into consideration when they're desiring someone; just like some people only like dark haired people and not light haired (or the other way round), whereas others don't think or care about hair. Plus, looks in only one factor in sexual attraction - someone we just click with and cares for us might not look like what we tend to usually think of as attractive - but suddenly they're the sexiest person in the world in our eyes.

Experience doesn't make us good at relationships. Some people have been in loads and are disrespectful, deceptive, uncaring or abusive partners.

How do you know if a girl likes you? There is only one way to know. Ask her. She might even tell you she likes you first. [Smile] Dates will just happen, because if you both like each other, you'll want to hang out. As you for kisses; ask. She might ask you. If not, and you want to kiss her? Ask her; total honesty, full communication and seeking full consent are the founding parts of any relationship.

Is there someone you like?

[ 10-24-2011, 05:44 AM: Message edited by: RaeRay2112 ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
PurpleShore9
Neophyte
Member # 83968

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Well... kinda.

A couple of months ago, I began to have REALLY strong feelings for her. I'd never felt that way about anyone in my life. Whenever I saw her, I would chills, I would get butterflies in my stomach, my mouth would go dry. I don't know if those feelings mean love, but I know for darn sure that I had a huge crush on her.

But, just about a month or so ago, I found out that she's already in a relationship. I was (and, to some extent, still am) crushed and reeling from the news.

I still have some feelings for her so... yes, there is someone I like. But I'm still confused about the entire dating thing. For example, how do I know the difference between a crush and wanting to be in a relationship with someone.

Also, if I do like someone and we hang out a bit, how do I ask her out?

Posts: 12 | From: Florida | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

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Different people define love as different things. Here is an article on love if you would like to check it out:

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/boyfriend/love_letter

I'm sorry that you can't be in a relationship with her at present.

If you like someone and are hanging out with them, and want to change your friendship to a romantic and/or sexual relationship you would first have to have a think about what type of relationship you would like with that person.

Would you like to be in an exclusive relationship, or an open one? How much exclusivity would you like with a partner? Knowing this might make it easier for you to ask for what you want.

Just to make sure I'm not misunderstanding you; did you mean how do you know the difference between yourself having a crush on someone and wanting to build a romantic and/or sexual relationship with them, or how to understand someone else's feelings about whether they would like to enter a romantic/sexual relationship with you?

If you're hanging out as friends, it may be an idea to tell the person that you like them in a romantic way and find them attractive before asking them if they feel the same way about you. Open communication is your best bet here.

After you tell them the way you feel about them, and find out if they are attracted to you also, an idea would be to ask if the person would like to enter into the kind of romantic and/or sexual relationship that you would like to have with them. This would be a good time to be open about and discuss what kind of relationship you would like to have with them; whether that's 'friends with benefits' or a closed exclusive relationship, or a model in which you're exclusive for some things - like kissing for example - but not for others. That way, she will have access to information on your feelings as well as what you are looking for relationship-wise. This means that there will be less risk of the two of you not understanding what the other is asking or saying yes or no to.

Here is a about creating and nurturing the right relationship model for yourself:
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/boyfriend/supermodel_creating_nurturing_your_own_best_relationship_models

[ 10-25-2011, 06:18 AM: Message edited by: RaeRay2112 ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
PurpleShore9
Neophyte
Member # 83968

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"Just to make sure I'm not misunderstanding you; did you mean how do you know the difference between yourself having a crush on someone and wanting to build a romantic and/or sexual relationship with them, or how to understand someone else's feelings about whether they would like to enter a romantic/sexual relationship with you?"

That is exactly what I mean. I want to know what the differences are between being friends and wanting a romantic/sexual relationship.

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Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

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Well, first you would need to ask yourself whether you feel sexually attracted to the person. You've mentioned before that with the other person, you'd felt like you had butterflies in your stomach. That sounds like a crush to me. [Smile] If you don't feel sexually attracted to the person, but you do think they are a fun person to be around, it might be better to pursue a frienship instead.

If there's no sexual attraction, but you like the person; it would be an idea to enjoy spending time wioth this person as buddies without looking to her for romance or sex.

If, however, you find you are sexually attracted to this person, you would have to ask yourself if you want a sexual and/or romantic relationship right now in your life. Then a good idea would be to think about what kind of relationship; would you like to be exclusive - as in only share sexual and romantic times together - not with anyone else? If you aren't intrested in having any kind of romantic of sexual relationship at the time, it might be better to just enjoy having a crush and being your crush's friend without looking for a sexual/romantic relationship.

Thirdly, you would have to think about the person you have a crush on and what kind of relationship you want. Do you really want that kind of relationship with her? Would you feel secure? Would you feel happy? Does the idea make you feel excited? Does the idea make you feel nervous? If you feel safe and excited, but a little nervous - it sound like it could be a good thing for you. If, on the other hand, you feel scared or that would wouldn't feel comfortable with her, it might be best to leave it at a crush.

Then it would be a good time to ask her; find out what she wants, and whether it's similar to what you do. If it is, then you're good to go! If not, it is annoying not being able to have what we want, but it is a part of life.

[ 10-26-2011, 08:14 AM: Message edited by: RaeRay2112 ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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