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Author Topic: Don't know if i could handle it...
Krysti
Neophyte
Member # 73389

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I'm new to this site, so I don't even know if i'm asking on the right page or not, but I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this. I talked to my dad about it but It still hurts: Here's my problem right now:
I've been in a relationship for over a year, and the guy I'm with is really sweet. We did have intercourse and it was special, especially since I had promised myself I would wait until marriage. Now i did tell my dad and he wasn't mad, he just stayed chill about it, I just can never tell my mom about it.She just doesn't have as open as a mind as my dad does and would never understand and never trust me again, and I can never talk to her about anything that she doesn't agree with. Here's the main reason I'm writing though. Even though my bf has promised me before that he would always be with me, he's not sure now. He says that things happen and even though he promised me after we did it that night that he would never leave me since I was his first and he was mine, he's having second thoughts. I try not to tear up when he talks about the possibility of a break-up but it hurts because we were friends for three years before going out and I've always liked him as more than a friend. I really love him, and he says he loves me but yet how can he say that after telling me that he has problems with my body type? I'm thin, big hips, not bad but he keeps mentioning girls with bigger chests. And he says that he doesn't want to feel like he has to be with me. So i stopped talking about weddings even though he used to be happy talking about that, and I've stopped talking about apartment plans with him next year in college. I'm afraid of losing him, please tell me how i could handle it if he ever leaves me. I don't know how i'll be able to move on and give myself to another guy in the future if the one i trusted for so long leaves

[ 10-07-2011, 05:13 PM: Message edited by: Krysti ]

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KK

Posts: 2 | From: Easton | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I think one thing to always know is that while we can all certainly feel like we might WANT to be with someone forever and ever, and our feelings can feel eternal like that, in reality, relationships do tend to shift and change over time, and romantic or sexual relationships we have when we're young will most often -- not always, just most often -- not be lifelong as those kinds of relationships or anything close.

I know that can feel so scary and so rough and awful, especially if when someone voices those feelings, it's voiced or heard as a promise or commitment.

That all said, I'm not sure I'm understanding the connection to the possibility of not-forever with your boyfriend's critiques of your body or odes to other body types that aren't like yours. I'm also not sure I understand why this person has been critiquing your body to you in the first place. Can you perhaps give me a little more context?

And THAT all said, I can certainly understand why you're feeling so upset and insecure and scared right now. It sounds like there has been a fairly big shift in the dynamics of your relationship lately and the way your boyfriend talks about it, a shift away from what you felt comfortable and secure with.

Most of us do survive heartbreak, even the most awful, terrible kinds you can imagine. Our hearts do and often will get broken in our lives, and there's no sugarcoating that because when it happens, it hurts like hell. And if and when we never thought that could happen and then all of a sudden we realize it could, it's a very, very rude awakening.

I don't know how we can really talk soundly about how you'd cope with a breakup in the abstract. But it sounds like we can certainly talk about how you're feeling now, and should perhaps talk about how you can have a talk about this with your boyfriend. Have you voiced the kinds of feelings and fears you are here to him yet?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Krysti
Neophyte
Member # 73389

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Since my post, I talked with my boyfriend. He said he loves me and still wants to be together and see how things go. After talking to a friend, I guess this was coming for a while. I read what you wrote, and I guess I didn't pay attention to his comments about how I could improve my body because I thought maybe he would stop since I dont ask him to change himself at all. Then he told me himself I could find better, and I know there are decent guys out there, I'm just worried that i'll be thought less of since I gave myself to somebody else first. There are things I wish he would change, but i didn't think he would become so picky about how I look so I never asked, and he wants to stay friends if we were to break up but it would be hard to see him as that after so long of being romantically involved

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KK

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Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

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Hi Krysti,

I wouldn't worry about a future partner being unhappy that you have had sex before. Sex is something we do together, not something you can 'give' to somebody else. Here is a thread made by a guy who thinks like that, perhaps reading his thread would help if you wanted to think more about new partners and your history:

http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/3/t/001217/p/1.html#000015

A loving partner will respect that you have a past, and as we get older, we all make up our histories. A partner who cares for you will understand that relationships do end, especially when we're younger, and that the choice to have sex with a partner is an individual choice, even if it's not the choice that they would choose in that same situation. Everyone has the right to free choice with their bodies.

Remember that sex will always be a very unique experience depending on who we share it with, and furthermore with the ways in which we explore different kinds of sex. In that sense, sex we have any time is always the first time; our sexualities keep growing, shifting and developing as we progress through life. In terms of the emotional closeness that sex can bring; sometimes we can engage in sex that just doesn't do it for us emotionally. Sometimes a conversation with someone brings us more emotional closeness than sex would have done in that situation. It sounds like the sex you engaged in did bring you emotional closeness, but you will always have the capacity to love a partner and share sexual closeness with them, even if you have had some kind of sexual experience before. Sexuality and the capacity for sexual bonding cannot be given away or used up - it is infinate, continuous and ever-flowing. Masturbation is also a kind of sex, albeit one that brings comfort to only ourselves, so that can be another first time.

In your talk with your boyfriend, did you perhaps explain to him the insecurity you feel due to his critiques of your body and compassions to other body types? I hear that you don't want to be controlling and try to change him, but communicating your needs isn't doing that. You have the right to feel comfortable in your own body. [Smile]

[ 10-10-2011, 04:06 PM: Message edited by: RaeRay2112 ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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