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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Epiphany. Any thoughts?

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Author Topic: Epiphany. Any thoughts?
dtfan
Neophyte
Member # 70490

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So my (now ex) girlfriend of 1 1/2 years cheated on me. But nothing is ever that simple. After we've been dating for about 8 or 9 months she cheated on me but accused him of rape. He was my best friend. For about 7 months I totally thought she was just raped. But I was talking to her recently, after we broke up, and I figured out that she wanted it. Yea. Yea. Screw you.

Anyway, I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts, because I need to vent and if anyone wanted to give me any of their input. Just tell me what you're thinking.

Thank you

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Just to make sure I understand what you're saying: are you saying that your ex-girlfriend made knowingly false accusations of rape against your best friend? That she's made clear to you they were false, and that there was not any kind of sexual assault at all, but only consensual sex she wanted to be having?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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dtfan
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Ok well she told me he assaulted her and totally accused him of it for months. She then, almost a year later, told me that she actually consented to it. And I just found out that she consented to it. They were absolutely false. She wanted it. Between her lying, and her cheating, thats what pissed me off.
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Heather
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Can I check in first and make sure she did also say she wanted to be sexual with him?

I say that because people consent to things sometimes they don't want sexually, or under duress, like via coercion. It's also not uncommon for victims of assault to recent what they reported when having reported (if she did) or disclosed turns out to result in having to have others kind of in your business around a rape in a way that's painful.

If that's not what happened, if this person completely fabricated a story of rape via your best friend to lie about cheating, by all means, I'd say that's about as huge a bunch of awful as it gets. Not being honest about going outside a relationship sexually, saying she was victimized when she wasn't, and putting an extra wedge between you and your best friend (mind, there will be one if he chose to be sexual with her regardless, but still) is all a lot of really awful betrayal and deception. I think it's an understatement to say you've every right to feel very angry and upset about that.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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dtfan
Neophyte
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Yea Heather, the last paragraph, that's exactly what happened. I just don't know where to go from here. I'm afraid of relationships. All I've been doing is hooking up and I don't think I would ever want a real relationship again. It sucks.
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Heather
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That's really awful. And as a survivor and an advocate for survivors, there's another level of awful with that, to boot. I don't know this girl or what her motives were, but the rare people who do fabricate stories of assault really make it harder for people who really have been and will be assaulted. [Frown]

I can certainly understand why you feel afraid of getting involved because of that.

Mind, "nevers" and "evers" can feel really big at a certain time, but they rarely stick for even close to as long as they feel like they will, you know? Not having sexual or romantic relationships in life is absolutely a choice people can make if that's what they want, but a) it sounds like that doesn't sound good to you and b) making choices based in fear is rarely empowering.

You probably don't need me to tell you that one person can't represent all people. or that one relationship can't represent all relationships. And knowingly, logically, this girl isn't every girl, this relationship isn't all relationships can be something you know in your head, but are just not feeling in your heart right now.

How fresh is this news? It sounds like it's very fresh, and if so, of course you're going to need some time to process it. And it might be that you need a little more time out of intimate relationships before you feel safe exploring them again. It might be that when you do, it's going to be important to you to take extra time to build trust, which is always something everyone can do, and it's not like taking that time isn't often a good idea, anyway.

What do you feel like you need right now to process this and to start to gradually feel okay?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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dtfan
Neophyte
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Thank you so much for your help. It really is appreciated.

Well I dont really know what to do, as of right now all I've been doing is being in purely sexual relationships with friends and stuff, I just really don't want to have a girlfriend or anything like that. It just sounds like no fun and too committing. This may be a result of our long relationship, not the actual events that took place though.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You know, whatever your motives to sticking to what's casual for now, it's not like there's anything more or less wrong or right about being casual than there is in being serious. It's just about what you want, can handle and feel good about, and what any partners also want and feel good about.

Are you feeling pretty emotionally safe in those relationships so far? You feeling okay around trust? Able to voice some of what you need around trust? After all,it's not like these things are non-issues with casual relationships.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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dtfan
Neophyte
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Yea I've been trying to put myself around people that I can talk to about personal things. So I do feel comfortable.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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So, it sounds to me like it's possible that what you're doing right now could be exactly what you need!

By all means, none of us are always in the right space in our heads and hearts or times in our lives for a serious relationship. As well, it's actually much more sound to not just go RIGHT into a serious relationship before we've even dated or gotten to know someone otherwise. So, it could very well be that what you're doing now is a very healthy and useful way for you to both get the time you need out of a serious relationship to emotionally heal and reevaluate what you want and need as well as a way to find someone to have a more serious relationship if and when you are in a space where that feels right.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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dtfan
Neophyte
Member # 70490

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Heather - by the way, thank you so much.
Posts: 7 | From: Massachusetts | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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