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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I don't know what to do anymore

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Author Topic: I don't know what to do anymore
Member # 81817

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I was invloved with a boy for 3 years, I waited and didnt push him to try for me like I sacrificed for him. Things got worse we fought he would tell me I'm wrong and I need to apologize. He would tell me to watch my weight 'cause I'm working at fast food. He would check my phone for texts to other guys, but I could never look at his. I would have to beg him to take me on a date, then I'd have to pay for myself. He would get angry and leave me if I feel asleep during a movie. It was so hard 'cause I loved him and I thought he felt the same. He told me on Monday through a text that he's found another girl, he got mad at me when I said I couldn't be friends with him at all now that he's found someone new, and he told me I just want someone to kiss my butt and that I'm controlling and jealous. I feel so broken and I don't know how to get over it. But then yesterday, there was a guy that told me I was sexy and an amazing girl I had sex with him, just to feel close to somebody who I thought actually wanted me, I was hurting and he just held me close all night. Then I found out today, he has a girlfriend and even though she doesn't know, I know he won't ever see me again. I started out broken and used and it spiraled even more out of control and I can't handle it. What is my next step? What can I do to just stop hurting? When will I find someone who won't hurt me? Whne will I be good enough for someone, just the way I am? [Frown]
Posts: 3 | From: Arizona | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
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I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way.

I think one of the first steps is to make sure you recognize that it seems clear your relationship of three years wasn't healthy. In other words, you're much more likely to find someone who will value you, love you and treat you well if you have a sense of what can show you someone isn't doing that or isn't likely to. Do you feel like you get that that relationship appears not to have been healthy? Can you see that some of the things you've mentioned here are things to know, in the future, that if they're happening -- like controlling behavior (his, which makes his claim of you being controlling pretty ironic) and you having to beg for time -- you want to get out, rather than stick around?

With what just happened, something you can do is maybe try and be more aware of when you are just feeling really low about yourself and in need of validation: those don't tend to be times when any of us will make sound judgments. Sometimes we learn that a hard way: it happens.

I think you're good enough for someone just as you are right now, by the way. What it's sounding like to me isn't that that isn't true, but that what might be happening is that a) you're not setting a limit on only getting intimate with people who recognize that you are good enough and b) that you might be looking for love, to coin a phrase, in the wrong places. Quick casual sex with someone who flatters us isn't somewhere where we can have any sound expectation of a bigger relationship that's about much more than our surfaces, since it takes way longer than that to know someone more deeply.

[ 10-05-2011, 03:14 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 81817

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Yes I see that the relationship wasnt right now that ive calmed down a little bit.And I want to protect myself from that and just move on from the pain of it. I don't have sex with random people, but i did and it felt so good for someone to just be nice to me, compliment me and hold me. Then he ends up having a girlfriend. I'm pretty scared of it all and hurt, and most definitely, I dont want to go through this again.
Posts: 3 | From: Arizona | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 81817

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Youre right with both a and b and, it makes me confused why i chose to, but it's true i have some work to do.
Posts: 3 | From: Arizona | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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