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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Break Up

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Author Topic: Break Up
rldove13
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I tried to break up with my boyfriend yesterday, but then he said "I though you were going to be the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with," so I said "Let's try to work everything out."
The problem is I don't want to be with my boyfriend anymore because I do the feel the same way about him that I used to, but I felt so terrible when I tried to break up with him I don't want to do it because I was in that position before and I know how it feels. What should I do?

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Thanks so much!
Becca

Posts: 136 | From: Baltimore, MD | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Roxie102
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Did you give him reasons for the break up? If not, I'd suggest you try that.

I understand not wanting to hurt him, but if it's in your best interests to leave the relationship, you should. If he really cares, he'll understand. And maybe you two can still be friends even after a breakup.

Or If you're still not 100% sure you're ready to breakup, maybe talk to your boyfriend about taking a break. A week or two will no contact will really give you some perspective on your relationship. After that, you can talk together about how you feel and whether you want to continue the relationship or not.

[ 08-10-2011, 05:46 PM: Message edited by: marie293 ]

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SilverLining
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Hi RR.

Unfortunately I think the best way to deal with this is to just have a talk with him. Explain that you don't feel the same anymore about the relationship like you did at first. Explain that although you don't like hurting him in anyway, and you don't mean to hurt him, but the relationship isn't what you want anymore and you hope that he can understand.

Hopefully he understands but you shouldnt back down even if he does say something like that; it's a form of guilting you into staying I feel, and it seems pointless to stay in a relationship that your heart is no longer in.

I hope all goes well.

[ 08-10-2011, 06:44 PM: Message edited by: SilverLining ]

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SilverLining 2012

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rldove13
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Thank you very much SilverLining [Smile]

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Thanks so much!
Becca

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SilverLining
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I'm glad that I could help RR.

If anything comes up while both of you are talking and he says something that makes you feel guilty or bad, just remember to stick to what you want, and the current relationship isn't that. Just be strong.

I hope everything works out for you. Remember you can always post back here if it doesnt: I'll keep an eye out for replies here. [Smile]

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SilverLining 2012

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rldove13
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Thanks again [Smile]

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Thanks so much!
Becca

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SilverLining
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No problem. Anytime.

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SilverLining 2012

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rldove13
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I still haven't broken up with him. I don't have the heart to do it. Just thinking about it makes me feel terrible I keep saying that I'm going to do it a few days after his birthday, but I don't know if I will. Why can't I do it because I'm miserable in this relationship. [Frown]

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Thanks so much!
Becca

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Kachina
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Well, if you are dragging it out longer that might actually hurt everyone involved MORE than if you end it as soon as you know you don't want the relationship anymore. So I know you don't want to hurt him, but it might be unavoidable, staying with him could hurt him more than leaving. Being hurt is the risk people take when they get in relationships of all kinds, and I know it sucks to feel like you're the one causing that hurt, but you aren't really. Things just aren't working, you can't force yourself to have feelings you don't. You are just the messenger of bad news, you know how you feel, but he doesn't - and I think he deserves to know.

I know it's very hard. [Frown] But it is something you need to do, you're going to just have to take a deep breath and get it over with.

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~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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Heather
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It's also not up to you to parent a partner. I get it: he thought you were going to be his one and only, and that you felt the same way. You don't, and that's not going to be what happens here, so you feel crummy about that.

But when we go into intimate relationships, one of the things we choose to do is to take the risk of not having our expectations met or of being disappointed, as Kat explained, too. He's part of this relationship, too, hopefully an equal part, and the person who made the choices he did and who chose to take the risks he chose to take. It's not up to you to try and protect him from what's real: that's part of his own stuff as a whole person in his own right.

And if this is also about not wanting to be the bad guy, it might help to remember there aren't bad guys in these situations most of the time. Just people whose feelings are often not in alignment like this, especially over time. It's part of life: it happens. And just like he'll survive feeling disappointed here, so will you, including any disappointment you might feel that you're not someone this person is going to see as perfect or flawless or always wonderful. You know?

But if you want to talk about doing right by someone, I think you probably know that no one likely wants to be intimate with someone just sticking around out of guilt or pity. So, not doing that? That's being more kind than the alternative.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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rldove13
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Thank you Kat and Heather

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Thanks so much!
Becca

Posts: 136 | From: Baltimore, MD | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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