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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Not exactly "asexual," but there's a catch ..

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Author Topic: Not exactly "asexual," but there's a catch ..
Member # 69812

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It would be rude to start without some background, so here you go:

My partner and I both met at an afterschooling writing club: we both have a love for music and writing. He's extremely brilliant and literate, and supportive of my hobbies (DJ-ing, mostly).

He told me that he suffers from Aspergers Syndrome. Not that bad, but enough to stand out a tad bit in general (hard to to register simple humor and facial expressions).

Taking you to know, our relationship has never been stronger. We met in November of last year, so our "anniversary" of being together is coming up fast.

Speaking of stronger, I'm talking about advances. It used to be handshakes: now it has progressed as far as cuddling/snuggling with clothes on. I decided that I would take responsibility by saying that if he ever needed to talk about "those things" (aka sex) that I'm perfectly okay with it. And I also started trying to open up subjects such as his stance of sex and what arouses him. No response.

He mentioned that he isn't completely asexual, but he brings it up a lot. Whenever I ask him a question of sexual nature, he usually responds with "I don't want to talk about that" or "can we please change the subject?" I've also tried to bring this subject up online via chat (his favorite form of communication), but still .. the same results.

I've researched about people with Aspergers and relationships, and it seems like sexual nature is something he needs to become interested in or comfortable with .. but is varies by person. If we've gone from handshakes to hugs to making out, I'm thinking that it indeed IS possible, but I might have approached that subject too fast or not in a manner that he might be comfortable with?

Another thing: I told him that I was sexually abused when I was younger, and yet I've made it very clear that I've gained control over thoughts about that trauma, that I trust him if we ever "get intimate," etc.

Posts: 5 | From: Midwest | Registered: Jun 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 69812

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*Taking you to now

Posts: 5 | From: Midwest | Registered: Jun 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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The first thing I want to do is make sure we're on the same page in understanding that someone's sexuality and sexual identity may or may not be related to being on the sutistic spectrum. In the ways it is or can be related, how much it is is variable.

So, in other words, if this person is/feels asexual, that may or may not have anything to do with his having Aspergers.

However, one big thing I hear, and something to really bear in mind with his Aspergers and being mindful about it, is that it sounds like he's tried to create boundaries around talking about sex that it seems you may keep overstepping. Now, that would be an issue with anyone, but for a lot of people who are autistic spectrum, boundaries being overstepped, even with words like this, can be a pretty huge deal and feel very, very uncomfortable.

We can't possibly know what he may or may not want or be comfortable with sexually down the road, but I agree, I think you might be pushing here. I also think if he's expressed feelings and thoughts about asexuality, you need to take those seriously and consider, for yourself, that this person may be asexual and thus, not interested in sex beyond where things stand right now.

My best advice with all of this would be to a) make your own choices about this relationship in terms of assuming it might not ever become more sexual than this, and b) drop the sex talk like he seems to be trying very hard to ask you too, leaving that ball in his court. In other words, if he wants to bring it up, let him have some turns to do that. You've taken yours, it's made him uncomfortable, so I'd say it's time to step way back.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 69812

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Thanks. I think I already had it down, just checking. ^^
Posts: 5 | From: Midwest | Registered: Jun 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Loving With Lust
Member # 72574

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My brother has Asperger's syndrome.
He is straight and leads a healthy sex life.
Of course every human with Asperger's syndrome is different. My advice to you since I have lived in the same household with a person that has it is to give him time. When he is ready he will tell you everything you want to know and will eventually open up. Create a trust circle.. You have to be patient with them in everything. [Smile]

Wish you the best,
Loving With Lust

Δεν γίνεται ζωή χωρίς άνδρες. ~Χάρις Αλεξίου

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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