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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Being flattered

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Author Topic: Being flattered
Vallina
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Member # 52204

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Hey Scarletteen. I seem to post a bit too much on here. Sorry.
But anyway, I am 16 and me and my boyfriend have been dating for 1/2 months. It was going fine although it became very intense. [I.e. seeing each other all weekend, every weekend, for a month]
A week ago, we stepped back a little, for a kind of... breather, I suppose. Which is all fair and dandy. It really has made me appriciate him more. However, I have two guy friends who are slightly flirtatious around me, despite knowing I have a boyfriend.
Unfortunately, I am rather flattered about them showing some form of affection towards me, however, should I feel guilty for feeling flattered? On top of that, I have no interest in dating them, and feel very very bad for even considering this. Is this normal? I do not wish to break up with my boyfriend, nor make him feel bad... I just don't know how to deal with the flirting and all the emotions running through my head at the same time.
Help, anyone?

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Vallina
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Sorry, me and my boyfriend have been dating for six and a half months, not two weeks. My apologies ^^;
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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We're happy to have everyone who is a part of our community here. No worries!

Are you saying that you think it's not okay for you to appreciate -- just appreciate, nothing more -- someone's romantic or sexual interest because you're in a relationship?

If so, do you have the idea that once people are in a romantic relationship, they either don't appreciate that anymore, or that being in a romantic relationship makes someone just stop appreciating others...well, appreciating them?

Let's maybe try this on, too: assuming, as we probably can, your boyfriend also feels flattered when people find him attractive or interesting, do you think that means he wants to break up with you, wants to make you feel bad, or that his feeling good about other people thinking there's something cool about him is something he should feel bad about? If so, why?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Vallina
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No when my boyfriend feels flattered, or is flirted with, he tells me the next day and feels more confident in, well, many things.
and I possibly have that idea... Like I feel as if I am leading a guy on [which I am not doing in any way, simply talking to them, no flirting or anything]
I have told my boyfriend that these guys have shown forms of affection too though, keep in mind

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Heather
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How can you be leading someone on just by being there? We can't control who feels attracted to us.

You know, too, sometimes we're going to feel flattered or appreciated by others a lot even in just a day, whether that's about romance or sexual feelings or something else. I think an expectation partners should or always will try and recount all of those times is not just an unrealistic expectation, it also isn't needed.

Can I ask, out of curiosity, why it sounds like you two think it's important to try and recount all of these incidences to each other, assuming it's about more than just having a nice thing happen and wanting to share because it was nice?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Vallina
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Yeahh I guess. I might just be thinking too much. But thank you very much.

and I am not too sure. We seem to talk about a lot of things and if something nice or happened to one another, we would share it.
Of course, too, it could be more than that, kind of like a trust thing, possibly. Not too sure, nothing serious, but more like how it's something we should share, to ensure no bad feelings at a later date or something. I'm not too sure why... Although, these incidents have only happened like twice in our relationship so it's not like it's a big topic or something that comes up often.

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Heather
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So, on the trust thing, are you saying that you think perhaps one reason you two always try and share this is that you don't trust each other yet, and letting each other know about this.....well, what do you think that accomplishes with building trust?

(I'm sorry if I sound daft here, I'm just feeling a little lost around why you would feel you should feel guilty about people's behavior you can't control in the first place, or why other people feeling attraction towards either of you would be about the two of you at all, rather than about those other people. Know what I mean?)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Vallina
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Erm, I think we're close to building complete trust. We don't suspect one another of cheating, let's say. But yes, it is something to be built up upon. I am not too sure what it accomplishes though.

and I think that I only feel this way as if I am leading on other guys unintentionally, which, makes me feel like a bad girlfriend of sorts..? I know I am just being silly, I just wanted to know how ridiculous it all sounded

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Heather
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Can we talk about how anyone can lead someone on unintentionally?

Leading someone on says you are purposefully doing something: you are putting something out there that promises something to someone you don't deliver on and don't intend to deliver on. For instance, while I think "leading on" is an iffy phrase to begin with, I think it's fair to say that someone who says, "I want to go on a date with you," knowing she doesn't want to, then blows that person off was leading them on. That person gave someone every reason to think they'd go on a date with them, knowing they did not want to and would not.

Does that sound like you around whatever other guys might be expressing interest in you or flirting with you?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Vallina
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Ah ok.
Sorry, I am really thinking too much xD
but thank you [Smile] but no no, I don't want to date them and have shown no interest towards them and they know I like my boyfriend very much.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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So, there you go.

It's sound and sage for us to take responsibility for things in life we are actually responsible for. But it's not sound, nor fair, to take it for things in which we bear no responsibility.

Mind, if you ever find that the way someone is flirting with you makes you feel uncomfortable, you always have the right to tell them to back off, a right you'd have even if you didn't have a boyfriend, and even if you liked someone, but just didn't like the way they were giving you attention, okay?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Janet R 1974
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Flirting is both normal and healthy. It doesn't mean you are or will cheat on him. Take the flirting as a compliment.
Posts: 6 | From: Tenn | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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