Donate Now
Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Could you ever date an effeminate man?

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Could you ever date an effeminate man?
pinkveins
Activist
Member # 33993

Icon 5 posted      Profile for pinkveins     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I recently met a guy and went out on a date with him, and then a few days after spent the day hanging out with him and his friends. He has expressed that he's very into me and would like to hang out more. He's fairly attractive, has a nice body, and does "manly" things that usually turn me on like the fact that he's a mechanic, he likes to shoot guns, he drinks beer and smokes cigarettes, has dirty fingernails, is really into camping and roughing it in the outdoors (he even went to survival camp just because he wanted to do it to test himself),etc. BUT, the more I was hanging out with him, and it was esp prominent around his friends which was odd, I noticed that he has this certain flair about him. He's concerned with dressing very nice, nicer than any of the guys I have dated before, he has told me he really enjoys dancing, he sometimes will talk with delicate little flairs of his hands or point to things with his fingers very daintily, he puts on a "gay voice" just a little too well and too often, and has a very expressive face (if that makes sense).
I'm attracted to this guy's personality, I like what he does and what he's into, and we get along well. He's fun to hang out with, and I find him fairly attractive. I'll give him all of that.
The point is, I just don't know if I can get over those mannerisms that make me slightly uneasy. After our first date I didn't really think too much of it, but during the other day that I spent with him it was very noticeable.
I usually only go for "manly" men, and if they're not manly in just their actions or things that they do, I'm attracted to the whole brooding, aloof, "I'll just sit here and stroke my facial hair" kind of thing. It's really kind of difficult to describe in words but hopefully some of you know what I'm talking about.
So the question is, have you ever dated a guy like this, or a guy that was noticeably effeminate? Would you ever date a guy like what I've described? Are you usually turned on or off by men that act just slightly effeminate? Should I give this guy a chance and hang out with him more, see if I can get past my stigmas about the way he acts, or if I should just accept that this is not what I'm 100% attracted to, as superficial as it seems, and move on?

--------------------
you promised me heaven but put me through hell...
</3

Posts: 72 | From: illinois | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Personally, I have a hard time making distinctions between who is feminine and masculine this way. So, because those things are so, so arbitrary (and often personal. but also often cultural), but also because personally, I grew up around very diverse representations of gender that just kind of make those distinctions not make sense for me, I have a hard time approaching this with the notion that there are things that are "manly" and things that aren't.

I figure that if someone who identifies as a man is doing them, they must be manly in some way; if someone identifying as a woman is doing them, they must be womanly in some way. But mostly I figure attributing things to gender is a very sticky wicket. [Smile] After all, I've known a lot of women who are like what you describe as manly, and a lot of men who are like what you're describing as effeminate, and of those folks, some WOULD attribute those gendered qualities to themselves and those things, while others would not (in other words, I have known women who identified their gender as women and femme, but who shoot guns and drink beer; women who identify their gender as men and themselves as very masculine who are dancers).

I also don't know what on earth a gay voice is, or a straight voice, or a bi voice. Everyone I know has a diverse array of voices that don't seem to have anything to do with their orientation.

But I hear you saying that you can clearly make these distinctions for yourself, and about others, and that with this person, you feel you enjoy what there is about him you find manly, but feel uncomfortable with the things you find/classify as feminine. Do I have that right?

I also hear you just asking yourself if you're attracted to this person or not, and no matter what your criteria, that's also very personal, and I don't think there are right or wrong answers there, just what you do and don't find attractive and are and are not looking for in someone you're dating. So, I think you get to do what you want here, you know?

That said, do you feel like these classifications you're making, which you express, for some, being stigmas, are serving you in how you relate to people? If not, then if you really like this person, perhaps this might be a good opportunity for you to kind of broaden how you think about gender in your life?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68164 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
blush
Activist
Member # 69019

Icon 1 posted      Profile for blush     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by pinkveins:
I recently met a guy and went out on a date with him, and then a few days after spent the day hanging out with him and his friends. He has expressed that he's very into me and would like to hang out more. He's fairly attractive, has a nice body, and does "manly" things that usually turn me on like the fact that he's a mechanic, he likes to shoot guns, he drinks beer and smokes cigarettes, has dirty fingernails, is really into camping and roughing it in the outdoors (he even went to survival camp just because he wanted to do it to test himself),etc. BUT, the more I was hanging out with him, and it was esp prominent around his friends which was odd, I noticed that he has this certain flair about him. He's concerned with dressing very nice, nicer than any of the guys I have dated before, he has told me he really enjoys dancing, he sometimes will talk with delicate little flairs of his hands or point to things with his fingers very daintily, he puts on a "gay voice" just a little too well and too often, and has a very expressive face (if that makes sense).
I'm attracted to this guy's personality, I like what he does and what he's into, and we get along well. He's fun to hang out with, and I find him fairly attractive. I'll give him all of that.
The point is, I just don't know if I can get over those mannerisms that make me slightly uneasy. After our first date I didn't really think too much of it, but during the other day that I spent with him it was very noticeable.
I usually only go for "manly" men, and if they're not manly in just their actions or things that they do, I'm attracted to the whole brooding, aloof, "I'll just sit here and stroke my facial hair" kind of thing. It's really kind of difficult to describe in words but hopefully some of you know what I'm talking about.
So the question is, have you ever dated a guy like this, or a guy that was noticeably effeminate? Would you ever date a guy like what I've described? Are you usually turned on or off by men that act just slightly effeminate? Should I give this guy a chance and hang out with him more, see if I can get past my stigmas about the way he acts, or if I should just accept that this is not what I'm 100% attracted to, as superficial as it seems, and move on?

My boyfriend is a bit like that. Well not the clothes part...I would LOVE a man who cared a lot about how he dressed. It shows maturity in my opinion. But besides that he does have effeminate moments that turn me off a bit. I know he is straight but still (Maybe thats your issue to? Do you feel he might be gay or something? Thats what some of the girls I know get worried over when dating effeminate men.) I like my bf but I like it if he was a bit more rouged. To me the guy your describing sounds awesome because he has all those manly qualities I like but its softened and balanced out by also being into other things (I'm Not sure why you think dancing is effeminate though. It could be due to his family or culture. My male cousins know how to dance and like it because of how they were brought up.)

But I don't think your being all that superficial. Attraction varies from person to person and if you like your men very manly than its up to you:)

Posts: 60 | From: Windy LittleTown | Registered: Jun 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
(I'm Not sure why you think dancing is effeminate though. It could be due to his family or culture. My male cousins know how to dance and like it because of how they were brought up.)
That's the thing about assigning masculine/feminine to things, though. A lot of people like to think their ideas, or the ideas of their peers or their culture, about those things are universal.

But they're not. They're very arbitrary, they often change and shift, and that's not even getting to the more important part where externally assigning those things to people rather than finding out how (and if) a given person experiences their own gender themselves is a pretty big problem/error.

For example, there are some women who identify as high-femme and see things like shooting guns as kind of femme fatale behaviour: as super feminine in their eyes and experience, dangerously so, basically. There are men who like camping but see their role in it as being the people to nurture others while camping, doing all that cooking and cleaning... which they or others might not view or experience as masculine at all.

And of course, for plenty of people everything on this list in the first post may be things they just don't experience as having anything to do with their gender at all. For instance, I'm someone who loves to be outside, loves to camp so much that I finally moved rurally so I could basically do it full-time. But I have never thought of my love of being deep in the outdoors as having anything to do with my gender identity at all, so if someone described that as masculine or feminine about me, they'd be putting something on me I simply would not think was true or real, because I'm the one who really experiences my gender the most and I don't experience that as gendered. Make sense?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68164 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
blush
Activist
Member # 69019

Icon 1 posted      Profile for blush     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
quote:
(I'm Not sure why you think dancing is effeminate though. It could be due to his family or culture. My male cousins know how to dance and like it because of how they were brought up.)
That's the thing about assigning masculine/feminine to things, though. A lot of people like to think their ideas, or the ideas of their peers or their culture, about those things are universal.

But they're not. They're very arbitrary, they often change and shift, and that's not even getting to the more important part where externally assigning those things to people rather than finding out how (and if) a given person experiences their own gender themselves is a pretty big problem/error.

For example, there are some women who identify as high-femme and see things like shooting guns as kind of femme fatale behaviour: as super feminine in their eyes and experience, dangerously so, basically. There are men who like camping but see their role in it as being the people to nurture others while camping, doing all that cooking and cleaning... which they or others might not view or experience as masculine at all.

And of course, for plenty of people everything on this list in the first post may be things they just don't experience as having anything to do with their gender at all. For instance, I'm someone who loves to be outside, loves to camp so much that I finally moved rurally so I could basically do it full-time. But I have never thought of my love of being deep in the outdoors as having anything to do with my gender identity at all, so if someone described that as masculine or feminine about me, they'd be putting something on me I simply would not think was true or real, because I'm the one who really experiences my gender the most and I don't experience that as gendered. Make sense?

Wait were you writing this to me (because my words are on top) or the poster or both or something else?? Sorry ^^ I'm a bit mixed up. But ya I get were your coming from. I wasn't saying that everyone in a certain culture was like that, sorry for making it seem so. I was just trying to say that maybe some things that seem effeminate to the OP don't seem effeminate to her boyfriend because he was brought up not thinking that they were.
Posts: 60 | From: Windy LittleTown | Registered: Jun 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.

Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3