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Author Topic: break up
whatrhymeswithpurple?
Neophyte
Member # 50346

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I feel so hurt and betrayed right now. my boyfriend and i broke up yesterday. i had been with him for 2 1/2 years. he has herpes, which he told me about around 8 months into our relationship about. at the time it really upset me, but i still wanted to be with him because i really loved him and at that time i was still a virgin, and since we werent having sex, i just kinda accepted it. eventually i did lose my virginity to him. it sounds stupid, but he promised that night he would never hurt me. he would always tell me he would never leave. which i was stupid enough to believe. I really trusted him.
what is really bothering me is he said he had been thinking about breaking up for about a month before all of this happened. during this time we had been having unprotected sex. and as bad as this sounds i dont remember the last time we used a condom. i let him decide if he wanted to use one or not. and he knew while he was doing this he was having doubts. he had not had an outbreak in a really long time, but it still posed a risk to me. every time we had sex unprotected i would kind of convince myself we were going to stay together, and he was the "one" so this was ok. and he always would talk about our future and he would tell me he would never leave me.
now i am going to have to go to planned parenthood at some time to get a blood test to see if i have gotten it. i dont have a job so its going to be awhile. when i brought up how we had been having unprotected sex, and i had trusted him enough to choose condom or no, he just kind of brushed off at first saying "oh you dont have it, i havent had an outbreak in forever," and then just said "yeah its kinda f--cked up." thats it.
it really hurts right now that he doesnt feel bad. i know that this is my fault, i should have looked out for myself and not worried about him, but i didnt. he doesnt feel bad at all about it. i feel so hurt and so betrayed and so stupid that i trusted him.
he says he still wants to be friends, and says that he doesnt even think this will be "the end" of us completely cause he says he still loves me and that im the only girl he wants to be in a relationship right now. i cant even talk to him at the moment. i have a hard time believing him anymore when he says he still cares and still loves me. i feel so hurt, and just like complete crap. the whole break up he just kept saying how he needs to do this for himself. ive told him i will not wait around. this experience has been so awful.

i know i put myself in this situation, but i still feel terrible.

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If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them.

Posts: 6 | From: texas | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
turtle_lady
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The first thing I will say to you is this: do not beat yourself up, none of this is your fault. You never would have known that he was going to break up with you and he probably didn't at the time either.

But that doesn't excuse his behaviour in this. If he was not sure about whether he was staying with you or not, he was having sex with you and that is no okay, especially if he has herpes. You could potentially catch herpes even if he has not had a break out and so condoms would have been wise, but you do not need to beat yourself up about this. It would have been best that you suggested to use condoms every time instead of askng him what he wanted because believe it or not girl, having sex without a condom feels better and therefore, your ex would probably rather not use a condom.

2.5 years is a big deal because I had been in a relationship for 5 years when my ex and I broke up and believe me hun, it really does hurt and I know what it's like to feel betrayed so do not feel alone. You have great support. I would continuously have sex with him, convincing myself that he was the "one" when I wasn't even sure because it didn't always feel right. If you have to convince yourself that he's the one...he probably isn't especially if there are too many risks involved. Good thing you guys split apart before anything worse happened...better to have figured this out now rather than to realize it's too late.

As far as "staying friends" goes, I would advise to scrap that idea. If you have created a deep bond with this man, it is very difficult to look at him any other way than a past lover. I tried to remain friends with my ex, but it was way too difficult and way too awkward. Breaking from him all together would be best and you're right, you cannot just wait around for him while he's off doing his own thing. It's time to get a move on and work on healing your heart. Easier said than done, believe me, but you will feel much better once you have your footing back.

Get a couple of girlfriends together or spend some time with you mom and have a good cry. Watch some movies and get lots of hugs and support from your friends and family. You are not in this alone [Smile]

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~Kayla Christine~

Posts: 51 | From: Ontario | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
whatrhymeswithpurple?
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Thank you so much, youve helped me feel better [Smile] ive been hanging out with friends a lot now, so i dont think about it as much. i dont know if i really miss him anymore after all he has done. Im just trying to get over it.

its hard i feel for some of my friends and even my mother to know what this is really like for me right now, because only my best friend knows about the whole herpes problem. i shouldnt have told anyone but i did freak out at first and i knew she would keep her mouth shut. i dont want everyone knowing about his business, i even felt bad that i had told her after, but now im kind of glad. she is very supportive, and has said she will even go with me to be tested. i cant ever tell my parents. they will think i am stupid.

ive had anxiety and depression issues and i really think this whole situation has made them worse. my self esteem was sucky to begin with, and now its worse. im just trying to love myself more now, cause i think that was part of the problem with this break up too... i had depended on him a lot to make me feel good. my parents havent always been too supportive. In high school my mother said i was too skinny, didnt eat enough, called me anorexic and sent me to a nutritionist. then when i went to college i gained some weight, and my dad told me i had gotten fat (btw, i was 98 lbs in hs, and im 5'3". now im like 110-15). My boyfriend was always there to tell me i was beautiful and smart, even when my parents were being critical. my parents and i are one better terms now.

on the friends thing, i dont know if i can do it either. i also feel like he is trying to keep me around in a way if he wants, after he does his own thing, we can be together again. he says he doesnt expect me to wait, but i dont know if hes just saying that. i just know that i cant deal with seeing him with another girl. right now he has my dog. im home for the summer and my parents wont let anything with fur and four legs in the house. Im trying to find another place for my dog, but i know that he is taking good care of him there, so i dont want to put him somewhere he may not get as much attention. but i also dont want to have any connection to my ex at all right now. i know i need to my dogs needs first, i dont want to be spiteful and put him anywhere.

i just dont understand how he cannot feel bad. i felt bad about how i had treated him at times, and i had apologized. he doesnt feel bad at all, or at least he doesnt act like it. i dont know how he makes what he did to me ok in his mind.

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If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them.

Posts: 6 | From: texas | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
whatrhymeswithpurple?
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also, i feel like there is a good chance he will want to get back together. i didnt want us to break up, but, i dont think i can do it right now. I dont think i can trust him the way i did ever again. I feel like i gave him everything, and he just kind of threw it in my face. he was so kind and caring when we were together, and now sometimes he just seems cold.

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If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them.

Posts: 6 | From: texas | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Djuna
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Hi there whatrhymeswithpurple? Welcome to the forums. [Smile]

I don't really have much experience with dealing with breakups, so I've asked one of the other volunteers to give you some advice, okay?

Kayla, it's really important that you don't hold other users here to your set of values, okay? For example, not everyone agrees that a person having sex with someone they don't intend to stay in a long-term relationship is wrong. Too, it's not true for everyone that sex without condoms feels better. It's not true that it's impossible to be friends with an ex. Please bear in mind that this needs to be a safe space for people with all different ways of living their lives. [Smile]

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Alice
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Hey there,

I just read through your posts. It looks like you're going through a tough time right now. Break ups are often very hard for most people, you are definitely not alone.

So, one thing I want to point out quickly is that we recommend having safe sex with people regardless of how long you'll be together. While it's always possible you'll be with someone forever, it's also possible that you won't and it's just wise to take care of YOU first. If you're in a monogamous relationship for 6 months and you both get tested and are clear of STI's - at that point you make the decision to go without barriers, if that's what you choose.

2.5 years is a long to be with someone, it's no surprise that you feel hurt and sad. I'm glad to hear you're hanging out with friends - that's a great way to pull yourself out of breakup sadness. [Smile] Also, just feel free to let yourself feel sad for awhile. It's a tough thing, and we, as humans, feel things like sadness and anger for a reason. You just don't ant to curl up in it and stay there forever, know what I mean?

Personally, I recommend taking a break from this guy for awhile. Doesn't mean that you can't be friends at some point in the future - but, with a break up, it's best to have some space for awhile afterward. Because when you don't - sometimes you have this thing happen where the lines get blurry between the past relationship and what's going on now, sometimes it's too easy for a sexual relationship to continue and then one or more of the people feel very hurt when the relationship doesn't pick up where it left off.

And also, just for your mental health, it's best to have a break. I do hear you on the dog thing, though, made any progress in finding a new place him?

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The beautiful thing about learning is nobody can take it away from you. - B.B. King

Posts: 1180 | From: WA | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
whatrhymeswithpurple?
Neophyte
Member # 50346

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i talked to him last night. he talks to me like none of this all just happened, just about normal stuff... my dog learned a new trick etc. he says he still loves me and cares about me. he just doesnt want a relationship now. i dont know if i can be just friends with him. i had never been intimate in any way, with anyone else before, so hes in a category of his own i guess.

as for the dog... i feel bad taking him and putting him somewhere else right now. i know he is being taken care of well there. i dont want to be spiteful and not think of my dogs needs. thats why i have been trying to stay on good terms with him like he wants. i have one place that may be good for him, im just trying to figure out what is best.

i just really dont know if i can be friends with him right now especially. i feel like he is just almost stringing me along. hes said he doesnt expect me to wait around, but he hopes that when he does want to be together ill be there. i just keep hoping that maybe he will change his mind, and we can kind of start over again, but i know that it is very unlikely.

we had never gotten to this point before. if we had i think it would be way easier to be ok with.

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If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them.

Posts: 6 | From: texas | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Alice
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Okay, I'm hearing you say that you're just not comfortable with even the thought of being friends with him right now. And that's okay, fine, normal healthy... you definitely should not feel bad about that, at all.

I hear you on the dog stuff. You love your dog, and you want what's best for him. However, you also need to do what's best for you - and it sounds like, for your healing process, that not having to communicate with your ex on a regular basis may be best for YOUR mental health. So, again, I know it's not easy (any of this) but I do encourage you to find another safe, good place for your dog to be.

And please don't feel bad for your dog. I know it's corny, but your dog loves you and probably would like your happiness to count, too, you know?

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The beautiful thing about learning is nobody can take it away from you. - B.B. King

Posts: 1180 | From: WA | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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