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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » dating a girl whos abstinent

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Author Topic: dating a girl whos abstinent
Evan
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okay, this is the last thread im posting i promise
i know a girl who wont have sex (vaginal and anal) until marriage, i like her in the sense that shes pretty, sweet and a lot of fun to be around and i think she likes me, partly because im quite a sweet guy and shes used to guys trying to use her for sex etc. i dont know whether to ask this girl out or not, because she doesnt smoke weed or have sex or drink, and im not sure if i would get bored, and i certaily wouldnt want to be another arsehole who pressures her into sex (and im afraid i might). the last thing i want to do is upset her and she deserves a lot better than me, and as lovely as she is im not sure i could handle a sexless relationship

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Heather
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I think you're saying this girl has made clear there are certain kinds of sex she does not want to have right now.

You also seem to have made clear in many posts today that you very much want a sexual relationship right now, and have also expressed some ideas about people who choose not to be sexual that make it sound like you're not really accepting of that choice.

You're also voicing here that you're not 100% sure you could keep from pressuring her into sex, and anytime someone says something like that about anyone, they're making clear they're not sure they'd be safe for another person, period. That alone is a very, very good reason to keep your distance.

So, it seems pretty clear to me that someone like this is probably not going to be a good fit with you, nor you with them, at this time in your lives when you both clearly want and value such different things, and when you seem to be voicing a feeling that you'd be unable to behave in sound and healthy ways with this person.

[ 05-15-2011, 07:09 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Evan
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im very accepting of her choice and i respect her for it. youre right, we have different beliefs and it wouldnt work, but i want it to wor because aside from the sexual issue shes perfect for me
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Heather
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I said what I did about being unaccepting because in another post, you called people "goody-goodies" who were not interested in having sex, which sounds very unaccepting of those choices to me. usually when people accept other people's values and choices, they don't call them derogatory names.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Evan
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i didnt mean that in a derogitory sense, its just a way of describing them and quicker than writing out all of their personality traits. how they live is up to them and many of my friends are quite 'goody goody'
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Heather
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So, how about this? How about you ditch trying to use shorthand to put people in easy categories, especially when that shorthand is likely to insult others who may be members of the groups you're summing up or feel unaccepting to them and others?

I'm quite sure that no one here would need a list of everyone's personality traits in order to avoid not using terms to describe people which aren't kind, okay?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Evan
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okay. i honestly had no idea i might cause offence like that. i could ramble for hours and post paragraph after paragraph but i thought it would be easer to generalise. the problem is, if im describing a person whos a particular type of person, why should i not refer to them as being that type of person? why is it worse for me to a say a girl is slutty than to say shes promiscuous or sexual liberal when they all mean th sae thing?
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Heather
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The thing is, it's not like it's that simple to say someone is a "particular type of person."

Slut is a derogatory term that besides being derogatory, doesn't actually mean anything. Promiscuous is equally meaningless, usually just meaning, to those who use it, something like "someone who has more sexual partners than I or others think they should." "Sexual liberal" also is pretty meaningless, since lord knows what that could mean. same goes for terms like prude or goody-goody. All of these terms and those like them are words some people use to try and put sexual value judgments on someone else, judgments which often have no bearing on who THAT person is or what their experiences have been or been like for them.

So, ultimately, one just wants to avoid doing that at all. When you don't know someone very well, ideally you want to avoid trying to make generalizations at all, since they are rarely useful and often false, only being a projection of what YOU think about them.

I'm absolutely sure we can talk about some of the things you want to here without using any words to put sexual value judgments or labels on other people. In fact, I think if you could swing that, these conversations would probably be a lot more productive. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Evan
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yeah i can see were youre coming from there. does this site have private messaging or anything? anyway once again im very thankful for your help as i do need it [Smile]
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Evan
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yeah i can see were youre coming from there. does this site have private messaging or anything? anyway once again im very thankful for your help as i do need it [Smile]
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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We don't enable PMs here for users, mostly to best protect everyone's privacy and make it impossible for people to harass users.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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