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Author Topic: single and lonely
Evan
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im 17 years old and id quite like a girlfriend, someone to care for, spend time with, date, sleep with etc etc
i go to a 6th form college with a few friends but its primarily full of bastards. if youve ever seen an american high school comedy, youll know the type. the blonde cheerleader whos an absolute bitch. most girls there are like that except not as hot. the rest are either taken, or a bit goody goody. most of my friends go to a private school and they have many many friends. the people they hang out with are bit slutty and stoners, and thats the type of girl id want to date. the thing is, what with them going to a different educational establishment i only get to see them on weekends, and i never get to meet any of their friends from their school. im certain among their social circle id find at least one girl. the other problem is im not very attractive, and although i have a nice personality and im very funny, im ugly as **** and pretty shy. what should i do? i hate being single.

Posts: 82 | From: UK | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Evan, I need to ask you to please stop name-calling people here, okay? It's just not what makes for a comfortable environment for all of our users. So, things like calling people bastards, bitches, sluts and goody-goodys, can you please stop with all of that?

In all frankness, THAT kind of thing is what I consider pretty ugly. not how people look. And with those kinds of attitudes, it does tend to turn other people off, and that kind of stuff tends to more often be what other folks find unappealing and unattractive in a person. While tastes vary a lot with how people look, they vary a lot less with how people behave and conceptualize themselves and others.

I'm willing to bet that if you could ditch some of these attitudes, as well as what sounds like seeing some women as low-hanging fruit -- as sexually or romantically attainable to you because you think they're indiscriminate -- you might not only feel a lot better about yourself, you'd be having a bit more social success. Catch my drift?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Evan
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i do get what youre saying, sorry for any offence ive caused. i think youve got the wrong idea about me, while i appreciate your help and advice i think youve got the wrong impressio of what sort of person i am. i dont see women at all like that, quite the opposite,i see women as quite unassainable to me.
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Heather
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I'm not making any assumptions about what kind of person you are, Evan. What I'm responding to is the way you've been talking about women and the words you're choosing to use. And feeling like women are unattainable doesn't actually negate a negative attitude, because even that can reflect seeing women as something to have, if you catch my drift.

Do you think it's possible that the words you use and the way you're talking and framing some of this might not be reflective of how you actually think and feel? If so, can you perhaps see some of why I'm suggesting you think about choosing different ways of framing all of this and talking about it, including trying to adjust seeing sex as something like a conquest or way to validate yourself?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Evan
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i think youre right there. would it help if i was to describe myself, personality and attitudes so you get a better idea of who i am, because you certainly seem to have the wrong ida about me
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Heather
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I really need you to understand that what I'm reflecting back to you is about what you've said, not about who you are. I don't know who you are, and don't imagine I could even with a bio (and I don't think it matters, either: after all, you don't know me and I'm here to try and help folks regardless of who they are).

All I can know is what you've said here, and that's what I'm responding to. Whether the words you are using do or don't reflect you well, I can't know.

But what I can also know is that you, like the rest of us, get to choose the words you use and how you frame things in your posts, so if you feel like your words and framing aren't reflecting how you really think and feel, how about maybe ditching them and trying to choose words and frameworks that do?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Evan
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well i dont really know how to phrase what im trying to say, im very conscious of causing offence now
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Maybe try thinking of it less as causing offense, and more as choosing words where you are really saying what you actually feel and mean?

In other words, for example, if you don't think of women you know who have sex as sluts, which is a derogatory and sexist term that reflects feeling those ways about them, then don't call them sluts. A replacement for that could be as simple as "women I know who have sex." [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Evan
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okay ill try and do that in future, once again i havent come here to upset anyone ive come here to get some answers but it seems to me like ive dug myself in a bit of a hole and it might be wise of me to find somewhere else to seek help with my problems
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Heather
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By all means, you should choose to seek help wherever yo are most comfortable.

But if you want to keep doing that here, I'm fine with you doing so, and don't see the conversation we've had or the words/framing you have used as being unsurmountable or something anyone helping can't get past.

I'm not upset with you, I'm just asking you to try and choose words and framing that don't put other people down or pigeonhole people in ways that don't tend to feel good for them or are likely to help you with the kinds of things you're asking for help with. Please know that you're hardly the first user we've talked this sort of thing through with, and it's okay. Plenty of people get reared with problematic framings of sex and other people they need to work through to get to more positive frameworks.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Evan
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Member # 54451

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okay im sorry, i wont be like that anymore
Posts: 82 | From: UK | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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