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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » dating a 'damaged' boy

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Author Topic: dating a 'damaged' boy
Betty C.
Member # 39240

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I've been dating this guy for about six months and it has been great: we have great communication, respect and love for each other. We've fallen silly in love with each other and everyone around us sees that and tells us we have an amazing glow about us.
All of which I know are healthy signs.

It hasn't been easy though: he's an ex addict, coming from a troubled and abusive past, and he's got his problems, although he is one of the kindest men I've met; recently I found out he was raped by another man, whilst he was still an addict. He didn't tell me anything else and told me we could never bring it up again. The only thing I know is that he probably was half conscious and says he put himself in such a situation by being high. There seems to be a very strong sense of guilt connected to his past.
I love him so much and it breaks my heart to even think about something so horrible happening to him. The only problem is I feel like he needs counselling because he was never counselled for it and he just locked it in the back of his brain. How do I go about advising him to check in?

I feel utterly terrified of saying the wrong thing because I am scared about hurting him by bringing it up, hurting his pride and him seeing me as pushy. He's been clean for about 9 months, and recently has been drinking a lot and been worried about relapse. I have been sexually molested myself and I know how hard it can be talking about it, I just don't know how to help him in particular.

Posts: 18 | From: Europe | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 36725

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You know, one of the toughest parts of helping someone work through something that's happened in the past is knowing that the person has to want that help and be ready to work through everything first. You can certainly let him know that you see this hurting him, and that you're concerned for him and from there suggest he maybe talk with someone. t can even be helpful to let him know you remember a time when you needed help working through your own past, and that you'll be there for him in any way you can. But ultimately the decision has to be his own.

"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

Posts: 3429 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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