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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Can't get over him

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Author Topic: Can't get over him
JiminyCrickets
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Hey everyone,

So this is kind of a long story, but I'll try and summarise as best I can.

I started going out with my first boyfriend at age 14 (he was two years older) and we fell instantly in love. He was my first everything, and we had a deep connection on all levels. We broke up when I was about 17 because he was going to college.

I am now 19 and for the past two years we have been keeping in contact. It was apparent to the both of us that we were definitely not over each other, but nothing was said until recently. I thought if we had a bit of a casual fling it might get him out of my system. It felt that way until he told me he was interested in another girl and it was basically like a punch in the gut.

I'm just afraid that this is the way it's going to be for the rest of my life - with him always on the back of my mind. I haven't had another boyfriend or love interest in the two years since we broke up and I think that's because I'm still hung up on him and comparing guys to him. It feels wrong to not be in contact with him because he is the only person that understands at times, but is this what I have to do?

I'm just sick of being like this with him. I would really appreciate any advice, if anyone can give it.

Thanks.

Posts: 6 | From: Ireland | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Djuna
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Hi there, JiminyCrickets! Welcome back to the boards. [Smile]

This sounds like a really sucky situation, and I'm sorry your feelings are getting hurt.

Could you explain why it feels wrong not to stay in touch with him? I'm hearing that you don't want to feel like this, so I don't understand completely why it is you want to keep contact.

[ 05-19-2011, 04:59 PM: Message edited by: patrickvienna ]

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

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JiminyCrickets
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Thanks for replying so quickly!

Why does it feel wrong...because he is my best friend. We know each other better than anyone else. He is the only person who truly gets me, and sometimes you need to talk to someone like that. I wouldn't say we're talking every day or even every week, but occasionally we will drop each other a text or a Facebook message to see how the other is getting on.

This should be healthy and normal, but it seems to be stopping me from moving on. I'm just afraid that even if we cease contact, I will still be hung up on him - that my feelings for him will never fade. It just doesn't make sense why I'm still so hung up on him.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Have you been able to talk these feelings out with him, or have you been keeping them all to yourself?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Djuna
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I totally get that if, post-breakup, your relationship has become a friendship, that can be positive and you may not want to give up a good friend. However, I'm hearing that overall this friendship is one that's hurting you - is that right? - because you're saying here that you want it to be a relationship again.

Too, if you were to cease contact (not that I'm saying necessarily to do that right now), it's unlikely that your feelings will never fade. Moving on is difficult, but it's a whole lot less difficult when the person we're hung up on isn't around. [Smile]

Am I getting what you're saying right, though?

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

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JiminyCrickets
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You sort of are. He doesn't intend to hurt me and never has, he's just living his life. I guess I'm not able to handle him moving on and me still stuck here, with no love interests to speak of.

I might write him an email, explain how I feel, as he would be hurt if I just ignored him.

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Heather
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So, you've never talked about your lingering feelings (romantic ones) for him with him since your breakup?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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JiminyCrickets
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Sorry Heather, I didn't see your earlier reply. Yes we have several times, and he reciprocates these feelings. Our lives at the moment wouldn't allow us to be together and we both agreed that it's best we just move on. And he has.
I would really like to do so, as I don't want to keep returning to him. I want to have new relationships and new experiences.

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Heather
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Sometimes when we bottle this stuff up instead of just talking about it, it can make those feelings stronger or keep us from getting past them. That's why I asked that.

If you've already done that, though, and it appears to have little impact, *have* you ever tried taking some time away? I don't know about you, but I know that with my very best friends, while I may miss them with time away, we can have weeks, months or even years away from each other and still come back to being friends as close as ever. In other words, distance or time away doesn't have to mean the end of our friendship, just some pauses.

If you haven't ever tried going you own way full-stop for a while, are you open to giving that a try, and when you do, working to develop both some other friendships as well as maybe just going on some dates/hangouts with folks? If you find you always compare, you can just be aware of when you're doing that, but remind yourself that we can have all kinds of great relationships with all kinds of people, not just one kind or with one person, even if it might feel like that for a while.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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