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Author Topic: He won't say the proper words...
Saffron Raymie
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I've been sleeping with a partner for
two years, but he has trouble saying things. He isn't comfortable saying:

- Vulva (because it sounds like Volvo (car) and Vulpix (a character from a video game)

- He's okay with the word breasts now, but for a long time he couldn't say it because it was like 'chicken breasts'.

- Labia (sounds like ladybug/ladybird and laybye (part of a road) (Sorry, I don't mean to sound patronising, but I know there are different US words!)

- He's never said vagina.

However, he does say clitoris. I really do prefer the proper words, strongly so, from a feminist perspective. However, maybe we should hold off on sex for a while, because he doesn't seem comfortable with my body?

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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coralee
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Well I don't think that the fact he doesn't use these words necessarily means he is uncomfortable with your body. However I also like when people use the proper words for body parts so I understand what you mean.

A lot of people are brought up to think that you need to use euphemisms when talking about sex or genitals, so maybe he is just not used to using the words you prefer. Some people also don't find it "sexy" to use the proper words for genitals. Obviously you do (and actually so do I).

If you are uncomfortable having sex with him because he doesn't use the words you like, that makes perfect sense, but I don't think you should hold off on sex just because you disagree with his word choice.

The fact that he is willing to discuss what he finds weird about words like "vulva" and "labia" makes me think that he does has a certain level of comfort with your body, even if it's not the level you want.

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Saffron Raymie
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It's just that he uses 'penis' as the preffered term for his genitals, I think that's what really makes me angry.

I think I also quite strongly believe that as it's my body, I get to decide the name, think that's another reason it gets to me.

[ 04-19-2011, 03:41 PM: Message edited by: RaeRay2112 ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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coralee
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Hmmm yeah if he uses "penis" but not "vulva" or "labia", it makes sense that it bothers you so much. Maybe if you brought that up to him, that he uses the word penis, but not words for female genitals, he would understand why it's so important to you.
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Stephanie_1
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You might also remember, sometimes when growing up in an age when sex is still such a taboo subject, it's certainly not always comfortable to discuss things like this. So maybe having a little understanding to that and just continuing to work with him about it. But also remember how he speaks IS up to him.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Saffron Raymie
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But that doesn't explain why he uses 'penis' every other word. Surely 'vulva' can't be more taboo than 'pussy'. Nobody even uses vulva. He can also say 'clitoris' quite easily. He's also 23 years old.

Also, I believe how my body parts are named in the sex I have is up to me, not him. A lot of women see 'pussy' as a derogatory term. He can name his own parts and ask me to call them what he wants. I used to say 'willy' and he corrected me to 'penis' because he didn't want words that sound silly. We've been together for years, surely I can name my own parts with him. Communication is the most important thing in sex, he's going to need to talk about the parts involved. A lot of people would be offended by 'pussy'.

I don't think I have his full consent (he's been uncomfortable with all my parts and has forced himself into sex before) so it's probably best I stop sharing sex with him.

[ 04-20-2011, 06:07 AM: Message edited by: RaeRay2112 ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Heather
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Well, I think if your partner has forced him to have sex he's not comfortable with (without disclosing he was doing so to you at the time, I assume), you certainly know that this is someone showing you he's not ready in some way to have fully consensual sex.

With the words, I think the golden rule here is that everyone has a right to be identified in the ways we want to be identified and are comfortable being identified. Your body and its parts are a part of you just like your gender identity or your name. What words someone else uses for your body need to be okay with you, and a partner needs to be respectful of any preferences you have about language, just like I'd assume you'd be with their own.

If, for whatever reason, someone isn't comfortable with those words, and you can't find other words you're both comfortable with that work for both of you, then I agree, you've got a problem. I also agree that from the sounds of things, some of this is symptomatic of what sound like larger issues.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Saffron Raymie
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The 'forcing himself into sex' thing was bad phrasing from me, sorry.

It happened with me. and this is what happened with that: He basically slept with me (penis in vagina intercourse) for the first time because he felt obliged to. He said 'So you wanna have sex, yeah?' so I said: 'yeah okay then', but I found out two years later (two years of regular sex) that he was ready at all the first time and didn't know how to say so and thought that I expected it because he was my boyfriend and that was 'how relationships naturally progress'.

I only found this out a little while ago, and now I really do think we should stop doing anything. The words thing just alerted me to this even more.

I think I need to show him that I love him without sex. He doesn't think that 'healthy relationships' can without it. I came up with the idea of only doing what he liked, like, sex involving his body but not mine, and I'm trying to get across that I enjoy doing what he likes, like oral sex with his penis, and I'm not doing to 'get' something 'in return'.

[ 04-20-2011, 09:54 AM: Message edited by: RaeRay2112 ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Heather
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Rae, it sounds to me like you're really thinking about all of this and trying to make some adaptations around it based on the bigger picture that are very sensitive and sound.

My hat's off to you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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