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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Effect of Abuse into Relationship with other close members

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Author Topic: Effect of Abuse into Relationship with other close members
breath
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I am beginning to realize the subtle effect my mother's abusive arranged marriage had on my childhood, upbringing, issues of validation and self-confidence, etc.

My mother is South Asian and was married in arrange marriage toa man her parents picked out for her. She didn't / hasn't really talked about the abuse clearly with us but it was very likely that she met him on the first time the day of the wedding, or with every little one-on-one prior contact. Maybe she saw a picture of him before getting married. Who knows.


All I do know that since I was 2 -2.5 years old and since my earliest memories, I was raised in my maternal grandparetns house with my younger brother and Mom.

I was an angry child, with frequent tandrums and difficult connecting with Mom or grandparents ( kept myself isolated) starting at age 6+ on wards.

As 23 years old now, i realize even going through teenagers how little validation for ME as a person I received from these people I grew up around.

My mom worked to get me into good schools/good education, but not because "I WAS SMART ENOUGH or I deserve to" but because it was a way for her to stand up and assert herself in that abuse history that she found herself in.

I realize that i WAS also not validation as PERSON/Human being because in that culture, children are validated by the MAN. Without a man, I think unconsiously, my grandparents/mom stil had soaked up the attitude of their culture/society and despite the material things they provided to keep their guilt down, they could never validate me FOR being ME. I have no memories of them playing happily with me, giving me attention like mom playing with the kids or baking cake or making cookies together.


I don't feel bad towards them: my mom is probabably in many ways recovering from the emotional, and other kind of abuse that altered her life. Even today, me and my accomplishments just serve to support/validate her bad situation/history. The aunts/grandsparents when they talk about me and my future, it's always linked up back to her and SHE is Validated.

I can understand how hard it was for my mom etc, and but it's time for me to also recognize that these people would not be able to provide validation to me and I got to find my own POWER and voice

[ 04-20-2011, 01:14 PM: Message edited by: breath ]

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Heather
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Is this something you've ever talked directly with your mother about, breath?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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breath
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No, not in a complete hour long detail conversation about how things like for her back then when I was born etc. She has never told the whole story. Reasons:

1) She got little emotional /pyschological support and didnt' really talk about it openly to even her parents, likely due to cultural notions of keeping such things 'hush hush' and just the general unacceptance/taboo nature of abuse.

2) She likely does not really understand how bad/abuse/wrong it was and was under a lot of social pressure so that's why after the brief marriage thing at 27 where she tried to be abused and mak things work for 3 years, she was so confused and unclear in new circumstances that she again tried to GIVE him another chance at age 39. She clearly didn't understand abuse and probably still has limited knowledge of it, despite being competend in other areas. Clearly her bad judgement/lack of knowledge there made me endure 3 months of HIM which made me discredit her/create distance between us more.


3) As stated before, given such circumstances, as a kid, I put up a lot of emotional barriers btw myself and my care-takes including Mom. As a kid when I use to ask her about it, she just kept silent , ignorned my questions and didnt' even make eye contact. It all left me with very diffcult feelings to deal with as a kid. Even to this date, I dont' feel OK with opening up , don't want to be vunerable about this issue around her, in some ways don't really connect her / or deeply like her company.

I have a therapist, but its a slow things, but I think understanding all this context around abuse, and how the family treats it etc has helped me put a word/context to WHY such need weren't met.

[ 04-20-2011, 05:05 PM: Message edited by: breath ]

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breath
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I think I'm too old to post here, it's called ScarleTEEN for a reason and taking away time/energy that can be used to help other younger people that are less experienced and less self-protecting mechanisms in many more confusing difficult situations.
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Heather
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We intend to serve users ages 13-25.

Please don't mistake not getting an immediate response for it not being okay for you to post here, okay?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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breath
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Ok. [Smile]


this is the site that showed me the right term to use and to describe "abuse/abusive interactions" to me in a non-judgemental, non-blaming way, and also affirmed me how healthy relationships SHOULD be the 'standard mode of operation', not something out of reach.

That has immense value/ impact on me , my self-esteem and quality of life, so forever grateful fo that.

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Heather
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I think the tough thing with an issue like this is that ultimately, this is really about you and your mother, and likely about communication around this that is probably just going to be a longtime process.

For example, while my issues with my own mother's life experiences and baggage around some of this stuff were not the same, I too -- like all of us with our parents -- was impacted by some of her life experiences, and impacted in ways that had a lot to do with a lack of her own awareness and healing around them.

But both of those things take time, often a lot of it, so with every five years or so, we've gotten a little further, bit by bit, in better communication with this, more awareness and honesty on her part, less projection of her stuff unto me, etc. because she, like me, like you, like your mother, is just another human being in her own process of growth and awareness.

That's not to say we can't do our own work with this stuff while our parents are doing theirs: by all means, I think we can and need to. But I suspect the kind of resolution you want around this is something you and your Mom are going to have to come to together, and is just going to take a lot more time, especially when you consider that you have access to things and an awareness of things early in your life that she didn't have.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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breath
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thanks Heather. Certainly it will take a long time for us to ever talk about (if ever), and it may not / never happen that kind of a frank resolution.

My work is to recognize as truth/understand how all of this has really impact her and her own healing /awareness and her treatment of me and myself. And affirm my self in a loving caring way.


It has been very nice to talk to someone about it before atleast a long time in my life, I never discussed it with anyone close or trustworthy.

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