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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Help Please. :) Sex friend dramas

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Author Topic: Help Please. :) Sex friend dramas
Emmadilemna1989
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Im 20 and just moved into College for my second year of Uni. Its been a big adjustment and I have settled in, made friends and been doing my work.

In high school I struggled with a severe eating disorder (bulimia) and became quite overweight from binge eating. Since leaving highschool, I have worked, recovered from my ED completely and lost weight.

So now living in college I feel like I have this whole new world opened up. When I was sick dating and sex weren't on my radar so I only began kissing people and dating in the last year or so. I've reccently lost weight and I am so proud of how my body looks, healthy!! Reading scarleteen has been immensly helpful.

As part of the college experience I have kissed a couple of guys at parties. Because of everything I have experienced I am usually quite different to most people and stand out as a little odd. I don't mind and just stay true to myself. The issue is that I hooked up with a guy at party. I really liked him and ended up making out with him for ages at the party. I really tipsy and then we ended up pulling each others clothes off in the bathroom while he invited me back to his room.

I panicked at this point and felt in over my head. So started babbling and asked if he wanted to be just sex friends. In that moment it seemed like a fantastic idea because no one could like me for me or some other silly idea and I'd still be pleasing him. (im a people pleaser but trying to stop.)

So a few days later he comes back to my room and we end up making out which was fun. Then we tried to have sex and couldn't because I was too tight and nervous. He took it really well and we just cuddled and talked and I explained that I was nervous and inexperienced. He then invited me to a party in a few weeks.

He hasn't spoken to me since and Im really confused. I texted him because we had arranged to meet up at somepoint. No reply. I realised that I do really like him and not as a sexual only friend. I don't want to continue a relationship on false pretences. I'm not sure how to tell him that I want to just try taking things slower, going to parties, making out and seeing where things go as a posed to the other options.

Im feeling terrified that I have presented myself as a slut. I don't judge other people if sleeping around is right for them but Im realising its not for me. i like emotional connections and i like him. if he doesn't like me thats fine. i just feel confused and anxious because I want to clarify either way. I realised that sex is a much slower thing for me than I originally realised and thats okay.

Im just so worried because I feel manipulative seeing him under the pretense of **** buddy, its not me at all. and I want to clear the air and ask for a second chance.

Posts: 6 | From: New Zealand | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Let's not call anyone sluts here, okay? Not anyone else, not yourself, unless you feel like reclaiming that word and giving it a positive meaning.

You seem to have a clear sense of what you want and what you don't. That's awesome. You also seem to have clarified that by doing or saying some things that didn't work for you, and weren't in alignment with what you want. That happens sometimes.

So now, what you can do is just make that clear to this person directly. There's no perfect way to communicate this stuff or any other, we just all do the best we can to be clear, straightforward and real.

So, you can say that you realize now you both moved this way faster than you wanted to and felt ready for, and that you also suggested a relationship model that you know is not at all what you want and won't work for you. Then you can tell him what you do want and what you think will work for you.

Then he gets to decide if that's also what he wants and what will work for him. If he's not on board, he's not on board: he goes his way, you go yours. If he is on board, then you two can talk some more to figure out how you want to go about this.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67955 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Emmadilemna1989
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Thanks for your reply Heather. [Smile]

I sent him a short email to clarify things, sayign exactly what you suggested and now i feel much better. Im a bit embarassed at the whole thing but I'm sure that will pass.

I feel better knowing at least I was upfront, and whatever happens I gave it my best shot. theres always a next time. [Smile]

Its been a great learning curve, I now know I can communicate directly, what I want for the moment and what doesn't work for me. All very positive things to know.

Posts: 6 | From: New Zealand | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Emmadilemna1989
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Member # 59392

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Hi Heather.

Fabulous news!! He replied to my message and he was really lovely. We are now on the same page and going to a party this week.

No terms and conditions, not sex friends, just taking things slowly and communicating openly as we go.

I am really proud of myself for being so upfront, even if things had gone another way, its great to know that I was upfront and honest.

Scarleteen has been invaluable in showing me how to communicate. [Smile]

Posts: 6 | From: New Zealand | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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quote:

I am really proud of myself for being so upfront, even if things had gone another way, its great to know that I was upfront and honest.

Ditto! Seriously, that's fantastic that you stepped up and advocated for yourself and what you wanted and had the confidence to do so. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67955 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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