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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I have something personal to confess.

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Author Topic: I have something personal to confess.
Kimmi
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I know it's long, but if you read it, please don't judge me.

My friends and family think I'm an innocent girl- as in, no experience with guys- which is true. I'm 19 and in my last semester of my freshman year at college, and have never been kissed. I've been on a total of 3 dates. My friends don't believe me when I say that. they think I'm too pretty, outgoing, blah blah. I used to be really shy in high school though and that's partially the reason why. the other is because my standards are high- no smoking, drugs, and preferably no drinking. in college, that's kinda rare. It's gotten bad, though, because I catch myself feeling jealous of anyone in a relationship, or who has been in one, since they know what it feels like to be someone's "special person" (cheesy but true) and have been held and kissed before and all that.

but, there's more of an issue: I have something to confess, that I've never told anyone before and it's kinda hard for me to post since it's embarrassing, but I need to say it. everyone thinks I'm an innocent-sacrificial-virgin-girl, but I watch porn on almost a daily basis. and the worst thing? I've been "touching myself" since I was in 3rd grade, even though I didn't know what I was doing, I just knew it felt nice.

So basically, I'm saying I've never been touched (ANYWHERE aside from hugs) by a guy, and I'm kind of getting sexually frustrated, I guess. I just want to make out with someone already so I can stop saying I've never been kissed. but I know I'll regret it so I won't. I just want to be in a relationship but it just seems so difficult to find a guy I like who meets my standards. what am I supposed to do? I've been hoping to meet a guy for 19 years, and I haven't met one. I'm lost and frustrated and just... ughhhh! I just need some consolation since I've never said this to anyone before. has anyone else been in my position?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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We're not in the business of making judgments here.

I haven't been in your position, so I can't pitch in in that way, but if you feel like there is feedback you want/could have from someone not in your spot and you want some, just let me know.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kimmi
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Yes please! I was just wondering if anyone else is in my spot because I certainly haven't met anyone like me. But any feedback at all would be great.
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Heather
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Well, I guess the first thing I'd ask is this: you say you "just want to make out with someone already so I can stop saying I've never been kissed."

Is that really the deal? In other words, is that what you want JUST for that reason? If so, how about you stop saying that if it isn't something you feel good about sharing? After all, we don't have to tell other people what our sexual experiences, or lack of them, have been, ever.

At the same time, you say you want to be in a relationship, and it sounds like that isn't about reactions from other people, but about you. If that's the case, and the issue is that you can't find anyone to date who does not smoke, drink or do drugs, can I ask if you've really mixed things up in your social circle? Because while sure, those things can be common, there's also an awful lot of people who don't do any of those things.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kimmi
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Well, I want to be kissed already not because I'm ashamed of saying I've never been kissed, but just so that I can finally be kissed. I want to know what it's like.

And yes, I want to be in a relationship because I'm tired of being alone for so long (being a huge romantic doesn't help, haha) and my social circle isn't mixed up- a lot of my friends don't smoke or do drugs but do drink occasionally- but they're mostly girls and gay guys, and the guys who are straight, I am not attracted to or already have girlfriends.

I've had lots of crushes on guys, but those crushes never get reciprocated no matter how hard I tried- which I guess for another person isn't really that hard at all, haha. I just don't want to beat around the bush or play games anymore. I want a relationship. I considered joining a site like eHarmony. I always thought it was for older people, but my friend joined it and it's worked amazingly for her so far. But I don't want to have to resort to that quite yet... isn't there something more I can do? I'm tired of waiting.

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Heather
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I think we're at the point in culture where very few people under the age of 60 see online dating as "resorting" to anything. It's just one more tool we have to meet people with, that's all. So, why not try it out?

Can I also ask about something else? You say that there are guys in your circle who do meet your standards, but you don't feel attracted to them. The guys that you do feel attracted to, but you say they're not attracted to you back: who are these guys? Do you have a lot in common with them?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kimmi
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Before I talk some more I'd just like to say thanks for conversing with me [Smile]

But that's a good point about online dating. And as for the guys I'm attracted to, there's usually a reason why they're not attracted back, and that's because they're usually shy guys who are no more than acquaintances who I have a kind of school-girl crush on. I'm extremely shy when it comes to guys myself, so the shy guys probably didn't even know I was interested even if I tried to make it obvious. And as for the things in common, it seems we did- through facebook, at least. That makes me sound like a stalker hahaha but we did have things in common, I just didn't know how (or have the time) to bring them up in the brief meetings we had. Timing and luck just usually aren't on my side, to say the least.

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Heather
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My experiences with shy people -- I often tend to find that's who is drawn to me and vice-versa, which always amuses me since I'm very gregarious -- is that a lot of the time, they just have a slower pace than we'd expect in general, and can tend to need us to kind of revisit what we're asking of them a few times (not in a row, as in, we need to express our interest over time, usually more than once so they can feel more comfortable and secure in it).

And yes: trying to go for subtle cues with shy people? Not usually such a workable strategy, so you may simply need to step it up and be a lot more direct.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kimmi
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Then I'll try my best to be outgoing around the guys I like. I'm an outgoing person but I always get tongue-tied :/

One more question: A few not-so-close guy friends from high school keep asking me to hang out, and I know they just want to watch a movie at their place and hook up or something along those lines, but that's not what I want to happen since it seems like if they'd do that so easily with me, they'd do that with a lot of girls, and that thought makes me uncomfortable, like if I were to hang out with them I'd be just another girl. But I told my mom about them asking to hang out and she's encouraging it, even though I told her they want to hook up. She told me to just refuse to hook up but still hang out. What is your take on this kind of situation?

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Heather
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In terms of that situation, I think it depends on what you realistically think the situation is. If you're pretty sure that's what they want -- and if not, you can always just ask -- then I agree with you that you probably want to opt out. Putting yourself somewhere where you know what other people want wouldn't be what you do, and thus, where you'd validly feel pressured and uncomfortable, doesn't sound beneficial to me, personally.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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celeste
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I think I've been in that situation, just a few years ago. I was 19, I masturbated regularly, and I was frustrated because I'd never experienced anything sexual (and consensual)... while most of my friends had had some experience.

I think you should go with whatever feels right to you. If you're having doubts, don't go ahead.

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Kimmi
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Thanks celeste, it's reassuring to know someone else was in my position. It just feels isolating sometimes.

And Heather, I also don't think I should pursue it... I just wasn't sure if it was me being realistic, or as in my mom's perspective, shutting out opportunities. Regardless, thanks for talking with me [Smile]

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eryn_smiles
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Hi Kimmi,

I've been in a similar situation to you as well, and I wouldn't think it's that uncommon. I didn't date or kiss anyone all through high school and until the end of my university life. Sometimes it felt like my friends had a whole lot more experience than me, but when I think about it now, I may not have had much sexual experience but I have plenty of life experience to share. I was also involved in a very busy course. I'm not sure why but once I started working, it became a lot easier to meet people and date them. Maybe also because I worked in an area where I just couldn't be shy anymore and needed to be confident.

I think that masturbating and watching porn are things that many people do and that as long as you feel comfortable and enjoy what you're doing, it can be a good way to use your sexual energy.

I can also relate to sometimes feeling jealous and hurt when I saw other people in happy relationships. When I start to feel more secure about my own ability to find someone, usually those feelings go away.

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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celeste
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Also, I often felt insecure that I wasn't 'good enough' for anyone to ever want to date me. It got to the point where I was ready to be in a "no strings attached" relationship just so that I could get some experience with someone I was attracted to, but didn't really like. It didn't end too well, and in retrospect I realize that it was a bad idea, and not only because of the ending. I thought that since nobody would ever want to date me seriously, the only way I could get any intimacy would have to be through a relationship which was something like 'friends with benefits'.

A year later, however, I was in a much better place with my self esteem back in position. [Smile]

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Jill2000Plus
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If it helps, I didn't kiss anyone until I was 21, when I started going out with my first boyfriend (who I'm still with), who had been a friend for years. I've masturbated since I was about 12 (and also when I was a little kid/baby), and it took a while to start overcoming the shame I'd had instilled in me, there is nothing wrong with it, if you enjoy it then don't think you have to stop to be a good person or to be doing the right thing, because it's your body and it's your choice. I think people tend to assume I'm very "innocent", because I have ADHD and aspergers syndrome and I tend to dress in a way that comes off as sexually conservative though that's not why I dress that way and because I have a bit of a babyface, and because I'm fat and possibly because of various other illogical stereotypes and prejudices, I understand how irritating feeling like you're expected or assumed to fit that mould can be, though our situations aren't exactly the same, I actually liked being single, though I certainly was interested in kissing and partnered sex. If you think that these people want to hook up and you don't, then I agree it's probably best to opt out, you don't have to do anything sexual that you don't want to do.

[ 03-29-2011, 06:37 AM: Message edited by: Jill2000Plus ]

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Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

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