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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Confused,

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Author Topic: Confused,
Serenaa
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well, im here to talk about my ex..
few months ago we had an argument then solved it, then later on he decides to ignore me, and tells me he was drunk and kissed this girl. I was happy because he told me himself but kissing a girl when he was drunk right after he saw me? im not okay with that at all, so we broke up for awhile so he showed me he changed, or atleast i thought he did, we were happy he said how much he loved me, how now he realizes what he did wrong and if i did that he would go mad.. anyway at one point he wanted to have sex but i didnt mind until it came to that moment i froze, i just couldnt do it, i still love him then he started to act weird with me, he started to leave me hanging, so i told him i think its better if we break up, sometimes i say things i dont mean, and i said that because he wouldnt talk to me at all, i tried too. he started to say '' we're finished '' well then, i thought it would be okay afterwards, until it really wasnt. I saw him at a party two days ago, and he came up to me, hugged me danced with me, he kept saying how much he missed me, and everything he was so sweet, i got my hopes up oviously, we started to talk about the relationship i said that what if it could be the last time? he said dont say that, its just that we never see each other and stuff like that.. anyway next day i spoke to him he was being pretty cold with me, so i asked him whats wrong? he started to tell me '' im going out with the girl '' basically, the girl he cheated on me with, i felt so broken, so down, why lead me on? he said his love for me would never changed he just likes her and they got together that same week that we broke up and at the party i told him i wouldnt find anyone else since i love him. He started to say he likes her, its easy being with her no problems, she can go out anytime. It just kills me because if your in a relationship you just have to make it work no matter how hard it is, he has known me for so long and just pushes me away over this girl, he said he knows how hurt i am, hes sad that hes made this descision although he just doesnt know what to do either me or her, i havent been so hurt in my life. I dont know what to do.. please help me
thank you so much

Posts: 43 | From: KW. | Registered: Dec 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Anyone who tells someone their love for someone will never change or that they will only ever want to be with them, or anything like that is not being truthful, even if, at the time, that feels truthful to them. People change, our feelings change, what we want...it all changes through life. No one can make those kinds of promises and keep them.

I disagree that in a relationship you have to stick with it and struggle no matter how hard it is. When relationships are clearly of great benefit to people on the whole, and people want similar things and want to be together, then for sure, sometimes there will be conflicts we have to work through. But not all relationships are the right ones to stick with or are relationships we want to stick with, and relationships that feel like way more work than play usually aren't ones that are a good fit for people. In other words, that's usually a clear signal a relationship just isn't the right one for one or both people.

I'm really sorry that you're hurting so much and that this is so painful for you. I'm also always sorry anytime someone starts the learning process of finding out some of the things I just talked about: it's painful, especially if we didn't have any expectation of the reality of these things being what it is.

That said, as we've talked about in the past, this relationship has sounded pretty problematic and unhealthy the whole time. Remember this? http://www.scarleteen.com/cgi-bin/forum/ultimatebb.cgi?/ubb/get_topic/f/3/t/010590/p/1.html#000000 Is that the kind of person you earnestly want to be with? For real? If so, why?

Can you maybe -- and I know it's hard to do when you're hurting, but try -- recognize that part of why this is and has been so painful is that this hasn't, maybe ever, been a good relationship or the right one for you? That the problem may in part be trying to continue something you've been shown in a lot of ways is going to be painful no matter what, and not letting go of that to seek out other relationships and other parts of your life that aren't like this?

[ 02-26-2011, 11:26 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Serenaa
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thank you for your reply back, but i do agree that people change, feelings change etc, it just seems so real when he says his love for me wont change and that he meant it, that shouldnt mean him finding some other girl.. she kept sending me mean messages, which i find very immature of her.

i clicked on the link, and i completely forgot about that, i dont know how but it just slipped my mind, well honestly i dont know, i feel like hes the only one that's there for me, its the memories for me the good ones that follow, i keep looking back at the good times, he also says when hes mad he's out of control, i also told him once that im not going to be with him anymore until he controls his anger and learns to respect me, he listend then later on does this? I've been the best girlfriend to him, it just hurts now.. it'll take time for me to recover, but ill get through it. I just keep picturing them holding hands,kissing and that if i ever saw them i'd look back and say to myself '' that used to be me ''

well yes, i know there are so many other people out there that will treat me so much better, that i'd be in a happier relationship.. but usually i find it hard looking for someone, but in some ways i felt like he was the right one for me..

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Heather
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A comic artist and writer I really love, Lynda Barry, when once asked what advice she'd give young people, said this:

quote:
There are rotten people in the world that cannot be cured by magical hippy love. They will always be the way they are and if they are friends/ romantic partners/ parents/ co-workers/ dude who just cut you off in his Acura/ GET AWAY FROM THEM! DO NOT LINGER! You cannot fix Dracula by trying to convince him to just party in the sun with you.

This is what I wish I knew earlier. Bad people, jerks, sociopaths and narcissts are always among us. Do not try and help them with your loyal love. RUN! NOW! GO!

Do you get what she was saying with that? This person has a long history of being crappy to you. This relationship has a long history of being crappy. It's clearly not going to change, and now matter how awesome you are, you can't change someone else with the sheer power of your awesomeness.

Sure, he's holding this girl's hand now. Jealous? Even if he's holding her hand and calling her names minutes later like he called you? From what I can see, she's just someone else who's going to be feeling the way you felt soon enough.

This couldn't possibly have been the right person for you because the right person for you won't act like this or make you feel like this, I promise.

[ 02-27-2011, 08:19 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Serenaa
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thank you so much for helping me to understand, thank you for helping me get through this heather, it really means alot to me...
and thank you for replying to all the posts that i have made on scarleteen, [Smile]

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Heather
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Of course.

Want to keep talking about this? If so, I'm around all day today.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Serenaa
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thank you!
yes, infact i do want to talk about it, im slowly healing, your advice just helps me get through this. His new girlfriend just keeps sending me mean messages saying '' hes done the right thing in ending it wih you '' and all this crap, and he keeps saying hes sorry.. i stuck to my promise that i wouldnt find someone else, he let go that easily? i dont know why he says that we '' never '' see each other, i keep giving him excuses, freak out or whatever, that girl can go out whenever she can and that shes '' scottish '' which i dont get since it doesnt justify anything. I do go out, i try my hardest. It's just that i have my parents that care about me, i have a curfew, i have to let them know where im going and all that stuff, i just feel like if he loved me then it doesnt matter if i can or cant go out? also, when i saw him on thursday.. why did he come up to me and hugged me? talking to me the whole time, flirtingg saying he loves and misses me, dancing with me.. it's all just so confusing, he said he was sorry for leading me on that night but he couldnt help himself because he cant be without me? i dont get what his game is, the only thing ive ever done for him was be the best girlfriend ever, treating him right, he said i've changed. that im not the same girl he fell '' inlove with '' and i still am the same, i told him that everytime we talk to each other on the phone, texting seeing each other all we do is laugh and have fun so why are you saying this? and he just went quiet...

[ 02-27-2011, 05:18 PM: Message edited by: Serenaa ]

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Heather
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Okay, so first things first: you need to block the ways this girl is contacting you. I'd suggest you block the ways they're both contacting you, actually. What are they sending these messages through?

Again, I'd try not to focus on this girl. You have no reason to envy her: she's likely just going to be the next person this guy treats badly, so if anything, she's someone to feel sorry for (even though I recognize that if she's harassing you, right now you're probably just going to be validly irritated with her).

I haven't gotten the impression that this person is someone yet capable of love, given how you've described his behavior in the past and present. So, I think one thing you may need to come to terms with in time -- and I know, it sucks -- is that this person didn't love you. They may have thought they did because they don't understand love, but someone who earnestly loves someone does not do things like call them sexist names. It also sounds like he's being manipulative now, still.

Once more: you can't fix people. You can be the best girlfriend in the world, but that's not going to change who the other person is or make them magically go from being someone incapable of love and a healthy relationship to someone capable of those things. You don't have that power because no one has that power.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Serenaa
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well, she's sending me messages through facebook and i messaged back then blocked her because i've had enough and i'd rather be the mature one and not reply back..

yes your right, ill find the right person, right now i'll just sit back, have fun with my friends and family, no need to worry.. im finally letting go, and if he does come back, i'll say no.

also, there was another reason for me not to have sex with him, i wanted to see if he would stick with me or not, and guess what? he didnt.

thank you so much for your help heather! [Smile] xxx

Posts: 43 | From: KW. | Registered: Dec 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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