My name is jack. I have been with my g/f for 3 years. We have a problem in our relationship, which i am to blame for, and I was hoping someone could give me advice on how to fix it? I love my girlfriend very much, and we have a profound bond. I admire her for the person she is, and we're the best of friends, as well as lovers. I feel like she's my match, in everyway. Yet - I'm so ashamed to say it... I've stopped being physically attracted to her. I can't put it any other way, but she was a slim girl when we met, and she's put on a lot of weight in the time we've been together. [she's put on about 56lbs] I didn't think I was a shallow person, but apparently I am. I look at her and I see the same lovely girl I care about. I love her laugh and smile and personality... i love being with her, and i trust her completely, but when we're intimate, I just can't function properly. She hasn't addressed any change in my behaviour, and neither have i, but basically as she's got bigger and bigger, we've had less and less sex. at first I made excuses, like the usual 'too tired' or 'headache', but then i told myself I wasbeing ridiculous, and that I love her no matter what size she is, but I was unable to get an erection with her, when we tried to have sex. It's now become an elephant in the room, we are both deadly aware of,but don't address. Even though we haven't spoken about it, i can tell she knows what it's about. she keeps trying faddy diets, and loses a pound or two, and then just piles it back on again. I try and be supportive and tell her she's doing well with a diet, but I feel like such a horrible person, because why should she lose weight??? I think she's meant to be bigger... she was slim when we first got together because she was more active in her job and worked hard for her body, but quit and the weight started creeping on. currently, We haven't had sex, or been more intimate than kissing for about 6 months,and we're both so depressed about it. I don't want to crush her and admit I can't make love to her because I don't fancy her anymore. I'm not going to ask her to change either, because she shouldn't have to, I should love her how she is. I am already really hurting her, so please could someone advise me on how to sort this mess out. How do I deal with the problem? I mean, it's clearly me, not her, that's changed. Why can't I find her attractive physically, when in every other respect I'm head over heels in love with her and would do anything for her? I can't tell her she's turning me off -so what can i do? I'm desperate to sort it out and be the best boyfriend I can.
Posts: 1 | From: uk | Registered: Feb 2011
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It sounds like you really care about your girlfriend and are worried about hurting her. It also sounds like you want to still find her attractive but are finding that hard to do.
One place to start with this is whether you actually no longer find her attractive or whether society has told you that you aren't supposed to find her attractive because of her weight – society says “overweight people are ugly” and you think “well, my girlfriend gained some weight, so she must be ugly.” There's a big difference there, so it might be worth it to figure out exactly what is going on.
Also, your girlfriend doesn't have a new body, it's just a little different looking than when you first met. All the parts you love are still there, and that's important to remember. Almost nobody stays looking the same for years in a row – weight fluctuates, hair cuts happen, sometimes people end up with injuries, and people just age. Look at a picture of yourself from 4 or 5 or 10 years ago – you probably have changed quite a bit.
Are you not feeling anything sexual right now? Even on your own? Or is it just around her? Because yet another thing is that... sometimes who we are sexually attracted to changes. Even if the person hasn't changed at all sometimes WE change, and the person is just not sexually compatible any longer. And it's not a value judgment or a bad thing; it's just something that happens.
So take a couple deep breaths, maybe think about what I said, don't beat yourself up or feeling how you feel, and then we can talk some more?
-------------------- Hey folks, my name is Andrew and I was a mod here for awhile a couple years ago. I'll be here for a couple weeks while Heather is out and the site is even more short-staffed than usual Posts: 441 | From: Boston, MA | Registered: Dec 2010
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