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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I really need some advice

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Author Topic: I really need some advice
guitarguy89
Neophyte
Member # 57208

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Okay this might be long, but i really need some advice.

Me and my girlfriend just broke up last week and i am crushed over it, we had been living together for a few months and things just started
to fall apart and we didnt get along, i wanted to make things work and she just seemed like she didnt care anymore and eventually
she moved out and is living with her aunt right now. I want her to come home more then anything but she acts like she doesnt want
anything to do with me. She deleted me off facebook and we havent talked on the phone since she left and im really hurt over the whole
thing. Ive been talking with her mom and shes been keeping me updated on how she is doing and everything and it just seems like she is
getting better and better and im not getting any better at all. Is there no hope? should i just give up on her and accept the fact that
she is never comming back home? Or is there a chance that she will change her mind and come back and try to work things out because
3 years is a long time to just throw it all away. Any advice would help out alot.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'm sorry you're hurting so bad and had this happen.

I obviously can't know what exactly facilitated her moving out and basically totally blowing you off after making such a big commitment like moving in. Only you can have ideas about that, but if she didn't communicate well with you, you may not be able to know much about that yourself.

But I do think she's made pretty clear she's done with this relationship, and also made clear that she isn't someone you could count on to handle a relationship or care well for you in crisis even if you did get back together, so that's something I'd think seriously about. I'd suggest you start to just let go of this, and also figure that even if it was possible to get back together, you'd have very good reasons to steer clear of that to take good care of yourself, given how she handled this. I'd also suggest you stop talking with her Mom about her the way you have been: that doesn't seem so sound to me. Are there people in your own life you can talk to for support?

You're right, three years is a long-term relationship, but at the same time, there are a lot of relationships that only last that long, especially when you're younger. While moving on from one kind of relationship doesn't have to mean throwing everything away, I can certainly understand why in this situation, it feels like that and that seems very much like what she's done.

I think the reason it seems like your ex is getting better and you're stuck in pain is that she's clearly moving on but you're not. want to talk about what you feel like you need in order to do that yourself?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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guitarguy89
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Thank you for resonding so fast, I just feel so lost, I love this girl more then anyone and I just dont know how to move on. Im miserable right now and I feel like its never gonna get better, I cant get her off my mind and i miss so much of the little things like just seeing her walk through the house or just talking to her and looking forawrd to seeing her when i get home from work. I just dont know how to deal with this whole situation, I want her back more then anything and now that i see thats more then likely not gonna happen i dont know how to deal with it and I just fell like im not gonna find anyone that will love me like she did and know me the way she knew me, i just feel like I have nothing to look forward too.
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Heather
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It might help to really try and look at how badly she treated you in this, and realize that not only can and will you likely find someone you care for as much in the future, you can and will likely find and choose someone who cares for YOU better. In other words, there are benefits to not staying with a relationship like this, and those include having the possibility of better ones. You know? I don't know the whole of the relationship, but it sounds like she didn't love you very well at all, that she wasn't treating you in a loving way, recently.

I know how tough it is to see that stuff, though, when you're so deep just in hurting. But I do think you're not going to start to feel better until you start to let go, which certainly includes things like not calling in for reports on her from her mother.

The place you're in right now: how long is your lease? can you potentially sublet it out or otherwise move soon? I ask because it probably would be helpful not to stay living in the place you shared. If you have no other option, you can at least mix it up by getting a housemate or getting friends to do something lie help you repaint it so it feels more like YOUR place, like a new place.

How about what kind of support you're getting moving on? Do you have friends and family who you're talking to, and asking for help like getting you out to do things that are fun now and then?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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guitarguy89
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Well the house is my gradparents and i've already been staying somewhere else for awhile until things start to get better and yes i have been talking to friends and they make me feel better when they are around, its just when i dont have anyone to talk too and im left alone is when everything just starts falling apart expecially at night because thats when we would just lay in bed and cuddle and everything like that, it really hurts to know that she is out of my life after everything for the past 3 years we have done together.
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Heather
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I totally understand: breaks can be so, so painful. [Frown]

How about asking a friend or two if they can be who you call at night when you're feeling really low?

can I also ask what you've been doing for yourself after all of this? Being out of a long-term and live-in relationship usually means we have way more time for ourselves and parts of our lives and interests we likely had less time for. Have you been using that extra time for things you had less time for before, or for goals or interests you couldn't give as much time to in the past?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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This might also help you out some: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/boyfriend/boys_do_cry_how_to_deal_with_a_breakup_like_a_man

(Just FYI, I'm heading off for a while, probably the rest of the day, as Saturday is the day I try and take off. But I'll be back around tomorrow, and there are other folks here you can keep talking with too, if you like.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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guitarguy89
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Honestly ive not felt like doing much, i plan on doing some stuff today, but for the past week ive not been doing much of anything. Ive just not felt like doing anything, i always find myself not having fun doing something because i just start to think about everything and it brings me down, i try to block it all out but its impossible. I just feel like i dont wanna start all over with someone new because i alreay know everything about my ex, all of her good and bad and i just feel like i'll never find anyone that will be that way with me agian and that really brings me down =/
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Karybu
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Hey guitarguy89. I'm so sorry you're hurting so much - breakups can be so incredibly painful. I hear you that getting up and going out and doing something can be tough, but distracting yourself can also be really helpful if you can manage it. It's good that you're planning something for today - is it going to be something you enjoy, that gives you a chance to spend time with other people? Is there something you really love to do but maybe haven't had a chance to do recently?

I also know what it's like to feel like an ex is the only person who you'll ever know like that, that you'll never find anyone again. It can be a really awful feeling, but it also isn't true. I'm not of the mind that there is only one person each of us will truly connect with in our lives; given the number of people on the planet, that would be a little bit nonsensical. [Smile] I realize that right now it feels like you'll never find anyone ever again, but I can pretty much guarantee that that isn't the case.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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guitarguy89
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I went out tonight just to try to get my mind off things but everything i did reminded me of things we use to do, just the drive home was lonley because she was always with me to keep me company. I feel like this is never gonna change and im just gonna be stuck like this forever, it hurts so bad to know that she is gone forever and we shared so much and was my best friend. I just dont know how i can ever move on, it hurts so much. This is the first time ive ever felt like this about anyone =(
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Heather
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This just happened last week and you were together for three years. You are going to feel like this for a while.

I know it sucks: we've all been there, usually more than once and it always, always sucks and hurts like hell. This will change, you won't feel like this forever, and you will love on, but you feel like this now. So, while you want to make some efforts to let go and move forward, you also just want to be in your feelings for a little while and process through them, letting yourself feel them.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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guitarguy89
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Yeah, i guess its just time too try to get over it and move on, its gonna be really hard to deal with because of how much time we haved shared with each other, i miss her with everything in me, but i guess life will just go on..
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Heather
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I'd say it's time for two things: to take some baby steps towards moving forward (like cutting contact with her mother, for instance), but also to just let yourself feel what you're feeling.

Think about it like an injury: if you broke your leg last week, it wouldn't make sense to expect you to be able to run a marathon today. You'd need time to rest and heal, and then you'd use it again gradually, building back up to how you used it before you broke it. Getting over heartbreak is pretty similar.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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guitarguy89
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Yeah i know what you're saying, its gonna take alot of time and getting use too, but i guess there is just no hope that she is gonna come back so i need to just try to get on with things no matter how hard its going to be.
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Heather
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And again, I'd really think about if you would even be wise to get involved with her again if she DID come back.

Would you want to go through this again, maybe more than one time? Would you want to be very involved with someone who you couldn't count on to not just skip out when she was unhappy with something, leaving you holding the bag?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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guitarguy89
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Well its been a few more days. And i dont seem too be feeling any better, we talked a few times, and she is still being really mean about everything, its like i was never anything to her and thats what hurts the most. I feel like im not ever gonna find the one for me, I dont wanna be single i just wanna be with someone that will treat me how i wanna be treated =(
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